Author Topic: Couples & Loneliness .........  (Read 6848 times)

Jap Jr

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Couples & Loneliness .........
« on: June 19, 2009, 07:17:04 AM »
Have been feeling so lost and alone, and seeing couples out there everywhere just hurts more. It doesn't seem fair. It will be 7 months on Sunday and I feel like it's just yesterday. Thought I was doing somewhat better as far as the emotions and crying. Miss Jim and US so much more. This morning I just could not stop crying; screamed several times in my house -  haven't done that for a couple months, and usually only at the cemetery. It scared me. Prayed to God to watch over me and get me through the day. I want to keep asking WHY, but what good does it do? I will never get an answer anyway. Time, time, time - I hear that's what it takes, but how much time; again, who knows. This grief is so exhausting and painful.

Couples - notice them doing everything together. In a car, in the grocery store, at church, walking, in the mall stores; just doing their thing together. It just gets to me and I think why can they have this happiness and my life was stolen from me. I read "socially you feel like an outcast. You go into a group you used to be a part of as a couple, and all of a sudden you feel so all alone; this feeling of loneliness and not a part of a couple may cause you to avoid going into group situations where most of the other people are couples". Hell yes I do!!!!!  Who wants to be the 3rd wheel!

Was hard to go my nieces wedding a couple weekends ago; going alone, even tho it is family - the emptiness and loneliness of going alone. Everyone else had their spouse or significant other with them; I just went from table to table and never fit in anywhere; felt so lost.

People, including family, were calling alot those 1st few months, now it is "back to normal" and hardly ever hear unless I call them. All would say, when you are ready to do this or that, let me know. OK, I am ready and I make the calls, but now they "don't have the time".

Along with hurting and feeling the pain, the sense of being totally alone is getting to me. Facing life alone. Yet, I can't imagine anyone else. After all Jim & I had been through and to finally decide to marry, and now that future is gone. God had other plans for us, than we did.

Got to get it out somewhere ............

Jim I Love You and Miss Us ...
Kay

sevenofwands

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2009, 08:52:05 AM »
Hello Kay:

So sorry you are going through these miserable times.  And yes, it is time, time, time.  Speaking of which I found this on "widownet".  Maybe it will help.

"""Some responses to the prompt "You know you're getting better when..."
You know you're getting better when....

Your memories make you smile instead of break into tears.

When someone else's pain hurts you more than your own.

When you can tell someone else life really DOES go on.

one day you wake up and you don't have to remind yourself to breathe.

you want to find a way to leave your grief in the past.

you find you are actually enjoying living.

you can come home and be content in an empty house. """

All the best
Seven

Sad Eyes

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2009, 10:00:10 AM »
Kay,

Even though I have lost both parents, my brother and my sister I can't begin to imagine what you have been going through. What you are going through is my biggest fear. I just can't imagine what I would do without my hubby.  So many of the things you wrote in your post hit home with me about some of the feelings I have over the loss of my family.  I feel that most people just can't comprehend what it's like to have lost a loved one until they actually go through it.  Kay, I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, so I will just give you a ((((((BIG HUG)))))).  Hope better days come your way soon.

Seven,

So many " truths" in your post with the "you know you're getting better when...."
thanks for sharing this with all of us. 


sevenofwands

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2009, 01:37:54 PM »
I thought this article on widowhood quite poignant, and also gentle and insightful. 
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/175116/widowhood_surviving_grief.html?cat=34
Here are a couple of excerpts.


""Everyone is unique in the way they deal with grief. Some people feel the need to go immediately and find another life partner. Others ....need time and growth before even beginning to contemplate sharing life with another man. Don't let anyone push you in either case. There are no wrongs or rights, no etiquette to the grieving process. The only caveat I have is when children are involved. Death, especially the death of a parent is extremely traumatic to young children. And it's in the area of new beginnings that huge resentments and irreperable harm can be done. If possible allow all of you at least a year to work through the worst of the hurt and pain."""

that helps create a bridge between your old life and your new one. Try not to create a living shrine to your dead spouse. Not only is it unhealthy, if you're inclined to remarry, no person coming to your home is wanting to be haunted by a ghost in your bed, nor compete with his memory. Choose one or two photographs that represent the best of that beloved soul, and tuck the rest away in a private family album

"""Take the time to mourn your loved one thoroughly. Only then can he or she be placed safely in the quiet places of your hearts, and free you to move on with a brand new life. Can you survive grieving? Yes you can. Given time and lots of tears and laughter, one day you waken and realize it's time to move forward and let the past go. It takes courage, it takes self honesty and yes gratitude. Gratitude? Yes, gratitude for having had all the years you had together. Life is a gift, not a promise."""

MISSINGYOU

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2009, 02:09:33 PM »
well said. well said. Big hugs Kay I amso so sorry

georgiapeaches

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2009, 05:29:16 PM »
So sorry you are feeling this way Kay, I hope you can find some peace here.

Seven, I do love those quotes, there so so true, I just found out that My husbands cousins son commited suiside, he was 27 , didnt think anyone wanted him around anymore, it felt like a punch in the gut, and I looked at his grandmother and actually felt her grief was worse than mine, that I was able to put mine aside for awhile to listen to her, so yes the quotes are very true.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Jap Jr

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2009, 01:08:17 PM »
It is another Holiday coming up that Jim and I loved! I am finding that being alone is awful, just hellish; especially when you are used to your Loved one being here with you. In just about everything. I am trying to get out more, mostly with family tho. Going to the movies tonight with a lady friend to see UP; have heard it is supposed to be good and handles grief, too. I am taking her for her birthday - that's a switch!

Will be nice when I can do so many of the "you know you are getting better when" quotes; some day.

It's like the song says "one is the lonliest number".

I have such mixed emotions at this 7 months mark. Not the awful roller coaster, but it's still rolling, just not as bad. Never thought I'd be saying that. Only how I feel today, and tomorrow may be hell on earth day again.

I miss Jim and US ...............

Kay
« Last Edit: June 30, 2009, 01:09:59 PM by Jap Jr »

sevenofwands

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2009, 04:28:10 AM »
Hello Georgia:

That is a lovely thought, and to reach out to someone who is going through grief and trauma too. I am so sorry to hear of that young man's death.  So futile, and so sad that he felt unwanted.  What words can one find to comfort a family in that situation.....

Best wishes
Seven

Juanita

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2009, 05:41:35 PM »
Oh, Kay, your post touched my heart at its deepest depth.  Your words could be mine. Sunday will be 3 weeks since I lost my Ken.  It's just been so horrific.  I could never have imagined how awful this empty, lost, lonely, sad, and deparate life could be.  I too, see those couples and I want to run up to them and say, "Treasure your time together. Never take it for granted".  I think I thought it would always be "us.

Autumn Leaves

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2009, 11:40:58 AM »
The movie "UP" was good, and very sad. I'd read how they treated it, a three minute montage of the life of the couple. It was sad and I heard a lot of sniffles in the theater. I liked how it was handled and it treated life & love & death respectfully. The old guy mourned his wife and became a recluse but the boy and the adventure changed his life so he could live again. It was good - love & companionship can take many forms and people who are grieving & hurting can reach out and help others and end up helping themselves.
RJ

Jap Jr

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2009, 08:36:26 PM »
Autumn

I liked the movie UP; there were more adults than children at it; the girlfriend and I that went, both cried through alot of it; it has a great message; made me think of Jim and miss him, but that was OK. That sometimes helping others and forgetting your own "misery, loss, pain" for a moment, can actually bring some happiness to another. Gave me some food for thought.

Kay

Jap Jr

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2009, 09:49:55 PM »
Went to a wedding today and was not going to stay at the reception, but knew a few people, so did.

All I saw was the couples there - I hated to see that .............. made me feel so all alone again

I miss Jim

Kay

teppuM999

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2009, 08:38:32 AM »
can really relate to this post.

one chick in my troupe is now suddenly trying to have a baby, and whenever she talks about it or makes a big deal otu of her prenatal vitamins, it makes me sad and angry.
then i rmember that i don't have to listen to her, so i'm just going to start walking away now.

what makes me esp. angry i guess is seeing people together, but listening to one or both of them talk about the other behind their back. it's like... how can you be that ungrateful -- s/he could be DEAD tomorrow. and if you don't like each other so much, why wasn't it one of you who died in june, and not matthew?

and being left alone... i don't hear from anyone these days unless i call. and people don't answer their phones and it goes straight to voicemail. and in a caller-id world, people know who's calling or who to call back, and yet, it's always the same. and i'm not very close to these people anyway. i'm not veryclose to ANYONE. matthew was my grounder. so i imagine that has something to do with it. matthew's brother and friend have known each other for decades. the rest of them are relatives. i'm just "the girlfriend."

blah...

i'm thinking about leaving town.

"Donít say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again. And youíll be here in my arms, just sleeping."

SoCal2010

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2009, 10:53:45 AM »
and being left alone... i don't hear from anyone these days unless i call. and people don't answer their phones and it goes straight to voicemail. and in a caller-id world, people know who's calling or who to call back, and yet, it's always the same.

One of my friends was acting strange because I was depressing her when we talked on the phone and I apparently was calling over there too much. She thinks I "focus on the negative" (which puzzles me because there's nothing "positive" about my Mom dying so of course I focus on the negative!) I reached out to her because she's the only one I know who has lost both parents as well. So she started answering the phone in kind of a rude was...like *sigh* it's her again. So I stopped calling and I didn't answer when she called me. Then she kept calling me compulsively and begging me to answer. So it's weird how people want to talk but only when it's convienent for them.

sevenofwands

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Re: Couples & Loneliness .........
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2009, 01:39:24 PM »
I just want to say something, which I hope will not be taken amiss.  You see most, indeed probably all, "laypersons" (i.e. non-professionals) do truly not have the training to take on board the pain and grief of others, particularly long-term.  This is not due to unfeelingness, or lack of empathy.  It is very very difficult to know where to start to help a grieving person, mainly because a) one does not know what to say, really, and b) because one fears saying something which may be taken up wrongly, even if meant well.   People DO want to help, and want to help in practical ways, because that way they feel they are doing something for you.  But non-professionals are simply not able to listen, listen and listen. 

Best to you all
Seven