Paula,
It sounds like you are doing some good stuff to help your daughter and yourself. You have alot to be proud of in your battle with this drug addiction. Good job!
A couple of things I would suggest is to get a restraining order on her so that when she does come home strung out, or breaks into your home, you can call the police and she will be arrested for breaking and entering and for disobeying the restraining order. It sounds cruel but really its not. Jail or prison is one of the safest places for her, b/c they eventually keep her if they have to keep re-arresting her again and again. In jail at least she is away from her suppliers, and away from many of the dangers of the street, such as guns, thugs, etc . I realize jail or prison is full of its dangers but at least its somewhat controlled...hopefully.
Anyway, by having her arrested you very well may save her life.
I would also suggest getting an alarm system for your house. YOU have to be safe and the one person you need to look out for right now is yourself.
Tough love is tough stuff! In this case you have to be willing to lose your daughter in order to save her. And who knows, in the end she may clean up and welcome you back into a heathy relationship again.
If you let her live with you when she is sober. Stop. Dont let her live with you anymore. If she is homeless, send her to the Salvation Army/homeless shelter. As long as you keep letting her back in, she has no reason to stay. If you put your foot down and say no more, then where else is she going to go? Trust me, shelter is one of our basic needs on Maslows heiarchy so one way or another we will find shelter for ouselves, whereever that may be. It can not be your house any longer. Like I said, if she thinks she can get back into your house, she wont try hard to find a place to stay somewhere else. Or if she does find some place, she will find all kinds of things wrong with it if she thinks she can get back to you. No place will be good enough if she thinks she can run back home to momma.
It may take several attempts for her to get the message across so be strong when she manipulates and whines and tries everything possible to get back in the door. All the promises in the world should not be good enough until she can prove good clean behavior for at least a yr... a solid yr of sobriety and clean living/job stability/ etc.
This is more on the extreme side but the other option is to move out of town and not tell her where you are. Then she is forced to stand on her own. As a mom you can not rescue her anymore. Its killing her. And you.
It sounds as if you are getting your own help. Thats awesome! There is so much stress in dealing with an addict that counseling can be a great support system, especially if you are not getting it from your spouse. I also highly recommend
al anon as well as your individual therapy.
You are definately not alone in your battle. I know a couple of people who have used both of the above suggestions and have finally gotten their life back b/c of their strength to walk away. Yes, you may lose your daughters relationship if you walk away but 1) you may lose her anway to her drug/lifestyle and 2) what you are doing now isnt working for either of you. So its definately worth a try.
There is a great book on how to spot manipulators called "Whos Pulling Your Strings" by Harriet Braiker. There are times when we dont realize we are being manipulated and so we need to educate ourselves on what to look for. I know it helped me tremedously!
cheering for you in this major battle.
lauren