Judy, I DID LOSE THE BATTLE. Adam died. I tried everything, I explored everything. I always feared that he could die but truly didn't expect it to happen. I know first hand that all the love in the world for my child, all the interventions, sometimes sadly do not work. What sort of answers am I supposed to have for myself? I think that I do everything humanly possible to hold my family together and be the optomistic backbone to them all. I am the sole person in my family who goes to the meetings, the doctors, seeks answers. Now I have Kate using H again. F*ck me, this time I am angry. She does this with her eyes wide open. She saw how H destroyed our family her brother and she willingly goes and says I want to do this. She is not addicted to H, she is addicted to poor choices. She is complicated by many factors but she can see with her own eyes what this has done to our family. She sees how much Craig & I hurt and she goes hellbent on her own destructive behaviors. Her addiction is different than Adam's. Josh is putting us through the wringer too. Craig is right when he says that the good times in life, such as the simplilciity of smelling a beautiful flower does not even come close to balancing out all the heartache we go through. It just doesn't seem worth it. I wish I had not tried to kill myself before and look at it differently now, I miss that it is no longer a choice for myself. I want this pain to stop, this endless heartache. I cannot even grieve for Adam, I have non-stop, ongoing, major league serious issues from Craig's emotional state, to G-d knows what Josh is doing to Kaitlin. It doesn't end.