Paula,
You stated about the cause or reason for your kids addiction was b/c
"I was often short tempered & I yelled too often." If your yelling and impatience
caused addiction that would be a dream come true for the Dr's and therapists who treat it , b/c it would mean a simple fix... ie dont yell at your kids. But its not about what we do or dont do as parents. Its much more complex than that.
You dont have the power to
cause addiction no more than you have the power to cause cancer by yelling at your kids. You may laugh but its the same thing. Your behaviors can not
cause a medical condition such as addiction (yes smoking can
cause cancer but not if you dont already have the cancer gene in your body. I'm referring to behaviors such as not hugging your kids enough could cause something medical, etc) Addiction is a medical biological and genetic disease . It is not situational. 3/4 children are addictics b/c 3/4 children got that nasty gene not b/c mom yelled more at 3/4 children.
Somewhere in your family or husbands family there is a strong addiction gene. Trace it back 5 generations. The more addiction in those 5 generations, the higher the probability that your kids would get it. The difficult thing about tracing it back that far is that oftentimes addiction is swept under the rug and half truths are told in our families, especially way back then down on the prairie. You may say that you never saw uncle Joe take a drink. But what you may not have been told is that uncle Joe may not drink b/c he spent yrs in rehab. Or maybe Aunt Sally only drank at Christmas. But what you didnt see is that she may have drank for 3 days streight until she passed out b/c she couldnt stop. What I am saying is that you probably dont know
the rest of the story. in your family tree.
There is alot of shame that does with being an addict. To have something take control of your life to the point you cant stop would be embarrassing... but they may not feel that shame until they are sober, at which point they go get high again to mask that pain. Its a vicious cycle.
Have you ever seen a person drink like a fish and then stop cold turkey? This is the guy who would drink at home, drink at the game, drink in the fishing boat... but one day the wife or Dr says you need to stop b/c its affecting your life/health, etc. And so he does. Cold turkey. Right from day one.
Thats not an addict. That was a guy who liked his beer, (much like I like my diet pepsi every day). That is not a guy consumed with the disease of alcoholism. But he may chose to continue drinking his beer or drug of choice. but hes still not an addict. Sometimes its hard to know for sure who is and who is just chosing that lifestyle.
My dad was a binge drinker. He was the best dad for 4 mos, never touching a drop but then would routinely fall off the wagon for 2 solid weeks of drinking. It happened every 4 mos. And he would get sloppy drunk, pass out for days and not know where he was. He wouldnt be able to walk or talk or anything. There are all styles and patterns and types of addicts.
Your kids are addicts. They have the
disease of addiction. They CANT STOP cold turkey. They need AA for life, and all the other support systems, maybe even meds to help them stop. And they wont succeed the first time, or even the 2nd time. The
avg time an addict is in rehab before it "sticks" is 11 times. Thats the statistics. 11. And some more, and some a little less, and some not at all. But they wont stop til they are ready. Its too much work. Like me and dieting. Its too much work. I try. I want to. You cant make me. And if you take away my chocolate someones gonna get hurt. real bad.
So I wish it were that simple. But as Im sure you already know, there is nothing simple about addiction.
There is a good book called "Getting them sober". I highly recommend it. its a simple little easy read but its got some good stuff in it. Check it out on amazon or the local library.
You stated:
I often wonder if this is something like that, my destiny to have this happen. And then on the other hand I hope that destiny's are not set in stone and can be altered and altered for the good. My understanding is that God made us to make our own choices. Therefore people will make really stupid choices that will affect others, such as my mother beating me for 18 yrs, or the sexual abuse that occured. God never chose that for me. He created us all to be in His image but when Adam and Eve ate the apple, the perfect world that God created went to crap. And so did we as humans. The garden of Eden never needed rain until the moment Adam ate that damn apple. Thats the moment behaviors changed and diseases entered the world and stupid people got stupider. Pisses me off. I sometimes wish that we were made like robots so that someone could have programmed my mother to be June Cleaver, baking me cookies and giving me hugs every day. But then if we are programmed to love (ie forced to love) , is that truely love? No. And so God didnt want to force anyone to love Him, so he gave us free will. And some people, like most of my family, just cant handle that freedom.
I say all of this to say, your destiny is not to be punished for the rest of your life for something you think you failed at. Your children are
chosing to act upon thier genetic addictions. And your children
chose to return back to their friends and suppliers whenever they crave again, instead of leaning upon the coping skills that they have learned in rehab. This isnt about you. The world does not respond to your lack of whatever it is you think you lack at or failed at as a mother. By taking on the guilt and responsibility, you are inadvertantly making this all about you. Its about them, and thier lack of self control. And as long as they hear you say in one way or another, something to the affect of, "oh sweetie, Im so sorry I yelled at you too much when you were 2", or just simply the words " I'm so sorry" they dont have to take on the responsibilty of their actions and of their disease b/c you;re doing it for them. And as long as you carry that burden for them, why should they? I certainly wouldnt. If my hubby is mopping the floor, I dont jump up and say "oh no hon, let me". pfft, lol not gonna happen.
So what I am saying is, as long as you carry the guilt for them, you take away part of what they need in order to heal. They need that guilt in order to help them hit rock bottem b/c they arent gonna really overcome this addiction until they do hit the bottem.
So let go of
your shame and
your false guilt and let them carry thier own, so that you can continue to help them in thier fight over this addiction with a clearer focus than ever before and so that they can get to the point where they actually feel they Want and need help.. truely deep down want it and need it and own it.
I hope I dont sound harsh. I honestly dont intend to. Im not yelling at you. Its hard to write serious when I cant use my voice intonations to relay the message in the way that I want it relayed. If you could hear me, my voice would sound no different than if we were reviewing the latest movie.
So please listen to what I say, mull it over, and even do some research on addictions and genetics. I used to think it was a cop out excuse until I took classes in addiction and worked with a psychiatrist who specialzied in it.
Anyone with addiction in their family history is a walking time bomb. We never know if we will get hooked and lose control of our drinking the very first time we take a drink or the 10th, or the 100th. Ive seen a 50 yr old woman who never was an addict become one at her age for the first time. The general rule of thumb is, if you know you have a family history, dont even drink at all. B.c you just never know if or when its gonna get ya. So I dont.
lauren