Author Topic: My Hellish Life  (Read 25073 times)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #30 on: June 22, 2009, 04:36:14 AM »
Lauren: I appreciate all the tough love ideas that you have presented to me. Craig & I have over the years with Adam & Kate have done many of them.
I understand when you back down there is a cyclic action to their actions-someone has to get off the merry-go-round and finally put an end to it.
We chose to have Adam leave the house and not be able to return to it. He died. Would he have died anyway, since no one has those answers we don't know. We live in additional heartache as a result of it.
We chose to have Kaitlin arrested and jailed at least 4 different times, hospitalized for almost a month, court involvement (restraining orders) etc. It has not made a difference that I can see her life turning positively around.
I won't pick up and leave. I do not feel that is an option for me. I feel that I have multiple obligations here and would feel uncomfortable exercising that thought, although it has crossed my mind.
We may be faced with some very tough decisions to make some of these tough love options a reality sooner vs later if she does not comply with the rehab.
It's all very overwhelming when you have to make these sort of decisions that not only impact you, but your spouse, your other children, your job etc. I can only do the best that I can in the moment that I am in and be brave as I know that for some hitting rockbottom is not the rock to step upon to get help it is the rock that covers the grave of your child.





 
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

laurenE

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #31 on: June 22, 2009, 06:59:55 PM »
Paula,

I cant even imagine.  I truely am so sorry that you have to face this situation.  I hope you will find peace in the good choices that you have made over the years.  You've been a great mom to be able to do these things.  I'm just so sorry that it hasnt worked .  But thats not your fault.   Be at peace with that.  Go to sleep at night knowing you've tried to save them,  tried to help them,  tried to ...well,  tried everything.   

My father was a  raging alcoholic.  We never knew when he would come home drunk.  We never knew if he would come home at all.   Sometimes we never knew where he was.   Oftentimes we would find him in a flop house or in jail.  It was worse when we couldnt find him at all.   

As a little blonde haired blue eyed girl  I would watch him beat my mother,   hide from him as he chased me with a hammer to try to kill me,   watch the cops come arrest him time and time again,  pray for the cops when he kidnapped me when I was in kindergarden,   go with mom to get the wrecked car out of the pound several times a yr,   wait for daddy to come home to take me to see santa...only to cry myself to sleep when he didnt show up, us knowing that he stopped off at the bar again on his way home to our special family day out,   and beg him never to drink again.   And of course he would promise.  And of course he would break that promise.   

But in spite of it all,   I loved that man.   My Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.  And I was heart broken when he finally died  from his drinking when I was 12.   But when I look back on it, 30 yrs later,  I know his death was for the best.  He was miserable.  He wasnt happy.  He hated his alcoholism but he just couldnt beat it.  I tend to blame it on WWII and all the injuries and battles he endured back then.  But I guess it doesnt matter whose to blame.  It happened,  and I am a stronger person because of it. 

  I'm also a firm believer in the verse in the bible that says the day of our death was written down in Gods big book before we were even born.  Thats found in Psalm  139:16.  It helps me to know that there is someone bigger than myself,  who sees the bigger picture of life.   

Because of my childhood with my dad,  I refused to date (or marry) a guy who did any drinking, drugs,  smoking, etc.  And I am so glad that I did.   I honestly can not imagine the hell that you have had to endure over the yrs.   Again I am so so sorry.

Big big hug,
lauren

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #32 on: June 23, 2009, 01:18:24 AM »
Lauren, Thank you for opening up and sharing your history with me. I cannot even possibly being to imagine and fathom what your early formative years were like living under those conditions.
You are not the first one to say that the situations my children are in are not my fault, that I am a great parent.....I cannot accept that. I know that I loved them deeply and truly wanted things to work out differently but know that for certain if I was the great parent that I would not have 3 out of 4 children in the situations that they are in. I accept the fact that they are individuals capable of making their own choices especially now that they are emerging adults, but this all started in their early years, so like your Dad impacted you I certainly impacted them with enough negativity to scar them. I never did anything that I thought would have resulted in this, but I guess I must have. It's all in the perception. I was frustrated, my husband was working 80 hours a week and I found it difficult to take care of 4 little ones myself. I was often short tempered & I yelled too often. I didnt chase anyone around with a physical hammer such as your Dad did to you, but perhaps my lack of patience was their hammer. I am in therapy trying to come to terms with it. I know the therapy adage of you did the best that you could with the tools you had at the time and I try very hard at accepting that as not to attempt suicide again in my guilt. In my own bereavement therapy session tonight I brought up the question of whether or not my spouse and myself should have been parents. I grew up with emotional baggage of my own. I was an infant when my middle brother was diagnosed with leukemia and died soon after. Obviously I grew up before I was even aware of it in a very sad household. My early memories include molestation from an uncle and older brother exposing themselves to me. While sexual intercourse never happened none of what did should have ever happend to a young child either. I never sought assistance for any of this until Adam passed. My husband grew up in a far lesser degree than you in a house rife with acoholism and occasional violence. We were very young, 15 & 17 years old when we came together. I guess two needy souls recognized one another but perhaps it wasn't wise for us to have children together because look at the outcome. We both walk around heartsick, carrying guilt. To say that our emotions are draining us would be quite the understatement. My husband refuses therapy as I think that he fears exposing all his emotional wounds and like me feel very deserving of the guilt due to the outcomes we face. I hope for him one day he will and find someone that he can work with to help him release the deamons that can keep him trapped in his own private hell. I don't feel great, but I am hoping with my own therapy that someone I can come to terms better than I am now and for at least at the present time it is keeping me from trying to kill myself again even when I feel like I truly want to. I just want this searing pain to stop.
I can see how you can think that your Father's death was for the best. It released him from his hellish life and it made you all safer as a result of it. I can never say that Adam's demise was for the best. He was my child-this fact kills me. In fact, it seems to be getting worse as the time goes on. I imagine that the pain of coping with his death is truly excerbated by his siblings issues as I have no emotional peace. Rest is so restorative and I find very little at nightime since I can barely sleep and my worries for my children are with me at all times.
Kaiti had her 1st session today at the out patient treatment center. She is so childlike at times and I think that this place for a very short time will fill a void for her-a place of acceptance. I imagine that if past history repeats itself she will soon find fault and tire of it and stop. But that is just my pessimissim rearing it's ugly head at 4:10 a.m. On the other hand I genuinly hope for the best results possible, for her and for us.
You wrote of your belief that our timeline is foretold. I often wonder if this is something like that, my destiny to have this happen. And then on the other hand I hope that destiny's are not set in stone and can be altered and altered for the good. I think that perhaps that thought may be the only driving force in keeping me going each day. I need and want to believe that something good can come for my children and as a result if it does, then Craig & I can live with some peace in our lives.
I don't know how people go on after losing their only child. Craig & I are in agreement that we would have killed ourselves immediately if it wasn't for the others. He told me after my attempt that he knew what I was doing and felt ashamed that he couldn't bring himself to do it. I didn't want to live with the pain and I wanted to catch up to Adam and to continue to mother and love him in his new life.
Now we both live, suffering greatly, trying so hard to do good for our suriving children and to show them that life can go on, but we are so sad that we are not a shining example. I fear that someday soon Craig will lose the ability to go on and take his life. I know for a fact that if I lose Kate and or Josh I would probably not be able to hang on for any other surviving children.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #33 on: June 23, 2009, 08:23:07 AM »
Paula, Al Anon has helped many of the friends I watched suffer due to their child's addictions, for whatever reason they were addicted. Regardless of the outcome, they all became stronger and gained more understanding, and by helping themselves, they were able to 'live' with their choices. They all became 'consistent' and saw through, and until the end, the ground rules.

You and your family remain in my prayers for strength. I'm so sorry, Paula.

Love,
Terry

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #34 on: June 23, 2009, 09:24:57 AM »
Terry, thank you. Craig & I have been through the support groups and feel like we could write the book and all it does it makes us feel uncomfortable now. Maybe it'll change in the future.

laurenE

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #35 on: June 23, 2009, 06:16:25 PM »
Paula,

You stated   about the cause or reason for your kids addiction was b/c "I was often short tempered & I yelled too often."

If your yelling and impatience caused addiction that would be a dream come true for the  Dr's and therapists who treat it , b/c it would mean a simple fix... ie dont yell at your kids.    But its not about what we do or dont do as parents.   Its much more complex than that.

 You dont have the power to cause addiction no more than you have the power to cause cancer by yelling at your kids. You may laugh but its the same thing.  Your behaviors can not cause a medical condition such as addiction (yes smoking can cause cancer but not if you dont already have the cancer gene in your body.  I'm referring to behaviors such as not hugging your kids enough could cause something medical, etc)     Addiction is  a medical biological and genetic  disease .  It is not situational.     3/4 children are addictics b/c 3/4 children got that nasty gene not b/c mom yelled more at 3/4 children.

 Somewhere in your family or husbands family there is a strong addiction gene.   Trace it back 5 generations.  The more addiction in those 5 generations,  the higher the probability that your kids would get it.   The difficult thing about tracing it back that far is that oftentimes addiction is swept under the rug and half truths are told in our families, especially way back then down on the prairie.   You may say that  you never saw uncle Joe take a drink.  But what you may not have been told  is that uncle Joe may not drink b/c he spent yrs in rehab.   Or maybe Aunt Sally only drank at Christmas.  But what you didnt see is that she may have drank for 3 days streight until she passed out b/c she couldnt stop.   What I am saying is that  you probably dont know  the rest of the story. in your family tree.

There is alot of shame that does with being an addict.  To have something take control of your life to the point you cant stop would be embarrassing... but they may not feel that shame until they are sober,  at which point they go get high again to mask that pain.   Its a vicious cycle.  

Have you ever seen a person drink like a fish and then stop cold turkey?  This is the guy who would drink at home,  drink at the game,  drink in the fishing boat... but one day the wife or Dr says  you need to stop b/c its affecting your life/health, etc.    And so he does.  Cold turkey. Right from day one.    ???    Thats not an addict.   That was a guy who liked his beer, (much like I like my diet pepsi every day).  That is  not a guy consumed with the disease of alcoholism.   But he may chose to continue drinking his beer or drug of choice.  but hes still not an addict.  Sometimes its hard to know for sure who is and who is just chosing that lifestyle.  

My dad was a binge drinker.  He was the best dad for 4 mos, never touching a drop but   then would routinely fall off the wagon for 2 solid weeks of drinking.   It happened every 4 mos.  And he would get sloppy drunk, pass out for days and not know where he was.  He wouldnt be able to walk or talk or anything.   There are all styles  and patterns and types of addicts.  


Your kids are addicts.  They have the disease of addiction.  They CANT STOP cold turkey.   They need AA for life, and all the other support systems,  maybe even meds to help them stop.  And they wont succeed the first time, or even the 2nd time.  The avg time an addict is in rehab before it "sticks" is 11 times.  Thats the statistics.  11.    And some more, and some a little less, and some not at all.  But they wont stop til they are ready.  Its too much work.     Like me and dieting.  Its too much work.  I try.  I want to.  You cant make me.  And if you take away my chocolate  someones gonna get hurt.  real bad.

So I wish it were that simple.  But as Im sure you already know,  there is nothing simple about addiction.

There is a good book called "Getting them sober".  I highly recommend it.  its a simple little easy read but its got some good stuff in it.  Check it out on amazon or the local library.

You stated: I often wonder if this is something like that, my destiny to have this happen. And then on the other hand I hope that destiny's are not set in stone and can be altered and altered for the good.

My understanding is that God made us to make our own choices.  Therefore people will make really stupid choices that will affect others,  such as my mother beating me for 18 yrs,  or the sexual abuse that occured.   God never chose that for me.  He created us all to be in His image but when Adam and Eve ate the apple,  the perfect world that God created went to crap. And so did we as humans.   The garden of Eden never needed rain until the moment Adam ate that damn apple.  Thats the moment behaviors changed and diseases entered the world and stupid people got stupider.  Pisses me off.  I sometimes wish that we were made like robots so that someone could have programmed my mother to be June Cleaver, baking me cookies and giving me hugs every day.   But then if we are programmed to love (ie forced to love) ,  is that  truely love?  No.   And so God didnt want to force anyone to love Him, so he gave us free will.  And some people,  like most of my family,  just cant handle that freedom.  
  
I say all of this to say,  your destiny is not to be punished for the rest of your life for something you think you failed at.   Your children are chosing to act upon thier genetic addictions.  And your children chose to return back to their friends and suppliers whenever they crave again, instead of leaning upon the coping skills that  they have learned in rehab.    This isnt about you.  The world does not respond to your lack of whatever it is you think you lack at or failed at as a mother.   By taking on the guilt and responsibility,  you are inadvertantly making this all about you.    Its about them,  and thier lack of self control.  And as long as they hear you say in one way or another, something to the affect of,  "oh sweetie,  Im so sorry I yelled at you too much when you were 2",  or just simply the words " I'm so sorry"  they dont have to take on the responsibilty  of their actions and of their disease b/c you;re doing it for them.  And as long as you carry that burden for them,  why should they?   I certainly wouldnt.  If my hubby is mopping the floor,  I dont jump up and say "oh no hon, let me".  pfft,   lol not gonna happen.    

So what I am saying is,  as long as you carry the guilt for them,  you take away part of what they need in order to heal.  They need that guilt in order to help them hit rock bottem b/c they arent gonna really overcome this addiction until they do hit the bottem.   

   So let go of your shame and your false guilt  and let them carry thier own, so that you can continue to help them in thier fight over this addiction with a clearer focus than ever before and so that they can get to the point where they actually feel they Want and need help.. truely deep down want it and need it and own it. 

I hope I dont sound harsh.  I honestly dont intend to.  Im not yelling at you.  Its hard to write serious when I cant use  my voice intonations to relay the message in the way that I want it relayed.   If you could hear me,  my voice would sound no different than if we were reviewing the latest movie.  

So please listen to what I say,  mull it over,  and even do some research on addictions and genetics.    I used to think it was a cop out excuse until I took classes in addiction and worked with a psychiatrist who specialzied in it.  
Anyone with addiction in their family history is a walking time bomb.  We never know if we will get hooked and lose control of our drinking the very first time we take a drink  or the 10th,  or the 100th.   Ive seen a 50 yr old woman who never was an addict become one at her age for the first time.    The general rule of thumb is,  if you know you have a family history,  dont even drink at all.  B.c you just never know if or when its gonna get ya.   So I dont.  

lauren
« Last Edit: June 23, 2009, 06:25:58 PM by laurenE »

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #36 on: June 23, 2009, 08:02:57 PM »
I cant even think of what to say to you at this point so all I will say is this. You are NEVER alone, we are always here. I hope and pray to whatever powers that be that somehow, someway a solution to the problems your children have finds you/them. This guilt you carry however lisplaced is still real and present and still a horrible thing to deal with. I carry guilt too, in a different way, but still its guilt. Everyone I talk to including all the therapists I saw in the beginning (who buy the way never helped) told me and continie to tell me that the guilt I carry is misplaced, that I wasnt even there that day, I couldnt control it. And my response to them is always, but if I had kept him home safe...he wouldnt be dead!!!No one can change the way you feel, just know I am so very sorry. I wish I had something more to offer.

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #37 on: June 24, 2009, 04:43:49 AM »
Melissa, I think that guilt is attached forevermore to a parent when their child dies, now matter what the cirumstances.....all the if only's are ever present. It is something that I struggle with all the time and I find that to be a common theme with most of us in this G-d awful situation. It could be misplaced for many people however mine is not totally misplaced.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #38 on: June 24, 2009, 04:55:14 AM »
Lauren: I knew when I wrote that it might have been misunderstood. My husband felt that the constant yelling was akin to verbal abuse. I know that it did truly bother my children. The only solace that I can take in that mistake that I never yelled abusively by putting them down by saying you are this or that, it was always you never clean your room type of yell. But since it was constant it was something they all learned to hate about me. It did not create a harmonious, peaceful household, that is where my guilt lies. Maybe if the household was seeking alternative ways to find peace might not have been so alluring. I know that I cannot change the past and if I could I would. I do beg G-d to give me that opportunity to undo it all, but aparently that is not in the game plan.
I agree about genes and familial history and that too did play an enormous role in this situation. My husband's family is rife with addiction. It is not something I discuss with him because I think that he carries around that knowledge like a loaded gun pointed to his head.
You are not sounding harsh and I know that you are not yelling at me.
You have willingly shared your own personal beliefs and experiences with me.
I may not 100% share all of your beliefs but I do find it enriching to learn of others for that is food for thought and it helps me to create my own emerging thoughts on this new altered life I lead.
I do know already from my this journey quite a bit of what you wrote about addiction but what I have learned is that the mind and the heart can work quite independtly of one another. They can both be right and yet be oppositite. Feelings vs intellectual; something I work on in therapy all the time.

XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

laurenE

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #39 on: June 24, 2009, 06:40:17 AM »
yea,  the heart and the head.   If we could get them on the same page at the same time,  life sure would be easier, wouldnt it?   I know that battle myself!


WendyRN

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #40 on: June 24, 2009, 01:10:16 PM »
Paula,

I've been quietly reading of the severe difficulties you've been facing in searching high and low for a fix for your struggling kids.  Not really having any comforting words to offer.  But here.  Thinking of you and knowing some of what you must feel from my own experiences.

I don't believe there is any such thing as an "easy life".   Addictions are all around us - even, of course, in "good" families.  And this is just one pitfall in life.  When I think of all the stressors thrown at us in a lifetime, it is astounding that suicide is not an option considered more often.  But somehow people find ways of getting by, finding ways to cope, even unhealthy ones.  I wonder if the citizens of Darfur or Bangladesh or actually the entire continent of Africa would become addicts if they had a chance.  Or the people who lived through the disaster of New Orleans or an earthquake in Indian or ......  I don't believe in Hell because our struggles are here on Earth.  Some struggles are much bigger than yours, some not so significant.  I guess in this rambling I'm trying to say that addiction can't really be blamed on a set of circumstances.  There are so many reasons, including genetics, but that is only a piece of the puzzle.  Maybe you could avoid addiction by choosing your friends wisely, having good supports in your life, being educated about addiction, etc.  Maybe not.  Maybe it just happened.  And a few somehow find the inner strength to pull themselves up and out.  And others wish they could. 

I agree that you were probably an imperfect mom.  Only because I don't believe in perfect.  No perfect father, friend or brother, etc.   Would it have been better to find other ways to get a message across besides frequent yelling?  Okay, probably.  But this must happen in half the households in America.  And retrospect is a funny thing.  You made a comment about your kids "hating" you for the yelling.  I'm sure your kids are bigger people than that.  They may not have liked it but hate is a very, very strong word.  Even if they have used the word to strike out, you know it isn't true.  Even growing up in a slightly flawed household, kids don't hate.  The word could be used to cover their own denial of addiction and their ownership of self harm. 

Suggestion?  It sounds like you are doing all you  can/should to help your kids in the best way you can.  Even when and if that means taking a very tough stand.  But right now you are getting no satisfaction from a job you are working so hard on.  While I realize that volunteering at this stage is probably totally out of the question, how about one of a number of projects that allow you to financially make small contributions to a child in a war torn or poverty stricken area in the world and send and receive the occasional letter.  It sounds like your soul needs to be filled up with something that makes you feel good about yourself.  Knowing you've made a difference where you can. 

Just a thought.

Wendy, Keith's mom

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #41 on: June 24, 2009, 04:05:32 PM »
Thanks Wendy for your thoughts.
I am quite busy in spite of the craziness of my household. I have always given of my time to those in need. As of late my ongoing project is to feed the hungry. I have approached my local and surrounding communities to help join me in this worthwhile venture. It is called PAR (Plant-a-Row). I read about it and it sounded great to me & it gave me the incentive to get the project going. I grow veggies and herbs and now I have encouraged others to plant extra. The produce once harvested will be donated to a local interfaith nutrition network that will feed the hungry in a atmosphere of respect and dignity.
I know that there are some questions that I wrestle with that can never be answered. Did my flawed parenting have a big impact on my children's issues? Why did Adam have to die that day when on other days when he OD's he survived. i use the word hate I guess when I think about it because I hate myself for whatever role I played in these problems of me and mine.
I have a problem with acceptance and for wishing for things that just cannot be. So I, in my own small ways, try to learn from others, from all my experiences and hopefully continue to grow into a better human being. I don't think that I'll ever stop doing that. It just hurts so much this broken heart over losing Adam and being so fearful of the outcomes for my two youngest. I feel so badly for my husband who used to be more of a carefree spirit filled with lots of positive fun loving energy and I don't see that in him anymore.
I feel very overburdened and I do know that others in this world have it "worse" than me.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #42 on: June 24, 2009, 06:02:29 PM »
Wendy, I posted before when I was rushing to leave the house so now that I am home and reread your post and mine I want to add a bit more. I truly thank you. I can relate to what you wrote and agree with your sentiments.
How people cope with more than I do is a puzzlement to me as I feel that I barely make it through the day and yet others look to me as a pillar of strength-go figure. It's all in the perception I guess.
I have two more work days and then my husband and I will be off for about 1 month together. I hope that it is a good healing time for the two of us as a couple and as individuals.
I have to learn to be grateful for each day that I have and for the blessings that were bestowed upon me. It's not that I'm unaware of them I just let the sadness and fears get the best of me. I have to work on the process of mindfulness as I think that it can be a powerful tool as we navigate throughout our daily existance.
I appreciate yours and everyone's posts to me. I look to see your responses first thing in the a.m. and before I go to sleep at night. Thank you one and all.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #43 on: June 30, 2009, 04:08:32 AM »
Craig & I decided to get away for a few days. I always wanted to go to Newport RI and see the mansions. Filled with anxiety we left the house. When we stay home Kate & Josh don't do anything different so we figure it would be god to get away.
Not so good.
To make a long story short, Kate's out patient tx center called and she is not being compliant and they want her to go inpatient.
I don't know if she will.
Another day in my life of trouble after trouble after trouble.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Rebecca

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #44 on: June 30, 2009, 04:16:45 AM »
I am so sorry.  Never having been where you are, I cannot give knowledge advice but I think you might just continue your short vacation.  It is up to Kate.  I know this sounds very harsh, but u have found out that if you insist it doesn't change the outcome.  Hoping she will hook up with someone there she trusts and push Kate to go inpatient.
Rebecca Jason's Mom