Author Topic: My Hellish Life  (Read 25134 times)

browneyedgirl

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2009, 10:22:32 AM »
Paula ~ your story of going "round and round" with the system sounds so familair to what my other brother and I tried to do for Tony.  Phone call after phone call, after phone call, refer, refer refer.  Don't give up!  But it sounds like you won't.  The day after we made a plan FINALLY to get help for Tony, 3 day detox first, then a 30 day waiting period for a long term facility....he was dead. 
You sound so dedicated, so loving.  You children are so lucky to have a mother like you, who cares.
I hope and pray that your daughter will get the help that she needs. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Luvinmike

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #16 on: June 18, 2009, 11:25:15 AM »
Oh Dear Paula- I am so sorry for the years of heartache as you said. I am so sorry I had high hopes of the NH developmental program. I am in no way suggesting you haven't tried everything- and i make these suggestions in the hopes that you will have the peace of mind of continuing to try- even though the help is not there. I am so sorry as you must feel so alone in grieving in between emergencies. I hope you feel the friendship extended as you are a deeply loving mother and I know my heart is full of love and prayer for your continued strength in this. I will continue to brainstorm and ask any professionals in my area for suggestions. I really want to help you, and I am sorry you are so missing your sweet son Adam. ((Paula)) Just do what you can, then rest. Praying for your rest.
Terri

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #17 on: June 18, 2009, 12:09:18 PM »
((((( Paula))))) I dont' know how to help but I can't imagine going through all of what you are. I'm so sorry .. Love Brenda

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2009, 12:47:16 PM »
Thank you all. I truly appreciate all your suggestions and prayers. My innards are in knots and I know that in my past experience with Adam the consequences were final. What they will be with Kate, only time will tell. Josh ignored another call from me. I don't even have a concrete clue to what his issues are and that in itself scares me. My husband gets severely depressed and testy with me. It's so hard to deal with all of this and then to have friction with your partner. Boy would it be nice to have "normal" everyday worries. I haven't been able to visit my Mom in the assisted living this week because of all of this. My oldest wants to know what to do for Father's Day, my husband wants it to go away. I told my oldest I really don't know what the right thing to do is. We are obviously not in any sort of celebratory state but do you just throw in the towel? I think that he should come out and spend the time as I derive comfort from that but I'm not sure my husband would. Big issues that are life threatening, smaller emotional issues...I'm plagued with them.

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #19 on: June 19, 2009, 04:23:44 AM »
Last night I take Kate for the out patient intake interview. I was determined for her to grow up and do this on her own. Every time I hold her hand and walk her through things she ultimately turns on me and blames me. I tired of her blaming me, I have enought of my own self made guilt as it is. Besides if she can find these low life friends, places to find them she can surely walk into a building a start the paperwork with the intake counselor. Sometimes I wonder how capable she really is and how incapable she is just in my own mind. NO ONE has ever been able to figure that one out, not one specialist. I used to think that Adam with no sense of direction could be helpless in that way and yet my LI boy found his way quite easily into Harlem and all drug laden areas because that was his motivation.
The counselor calls me in and the end and wants to talk to me without Kate. She is concerned because the drug of choice is Heroin and thinks that K's case cannot wait until Tues. for their weekly case conference meetings that she is going to bring this to her supervisors attention tomorrow. The usual route with H cases is detox and then away long term and then outpatient starting off with two times a day meetings. I answer her questions and leave and she will call me tomorrow as well as Kate and let us know their decision-accepting K into the program and if so under what conditions.
Prior to leaving for the intake, my husband calls me at 4 just as I'm leaving work and he's getting ready for work that K left the house, her "friends" pulled up and off she went, and that during the day multiple phone calls came in. So despite us repeating the old drug treatment mantra of you have to change people, places and things, she ignores that advice. Craig leaves for work beside himself thinking that she is blowing off the appoint. At 4:27 she breezes through the door saying OK let's go. Of course I give her my stichk of it's a 4:30 appoint. we  needed to leave at least by 4:15 and she could care less. After the appointment is over and I'm talking with her she reveals to me that the therapist thinks that a long term 1 year away program is a good option for her and she says I am not going away. I tried to use the analogy of other youngsters her age going away to college to enrich their life and this is something to do for her to enrich her lfe and get her on the right track. It falls on deaf ears. Yesterday I'm on the computer on Facebook and if anyone is familiar with it when you "friend" someone a lot of what they write comes up on your page and she has I love Anthony on it. This is the boyfriend involved with her on this stuff. The same one my husband went to his house on Tues. and told him to stay away from our daughter and house. It won't work if she doesn't comply. My husband woke up in the middle of the night only to see her running down the block to meet up with friends. What am I to do? Whenever I have banished her from the house she breaks in, or comes home scraggly, underweight, tearful and filthy?
When we don't know where she is we are living in an agonizing limbo. And yet, this is no lfe either. I did't have enough stamina in me to call back the NAMI lady last night. I took Xanax, didn't even wash my face and went to bed.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Jeanneb

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #20 on: June 19, 2009, 07:26:57 AM »
Paula,

In your search to find help... try contacting Joni who has been on the Dr. Phil show numerous times.  She was influential in helping the heroin twins.  She is a recovering addict herself and nurse and I would think would be a great resource for you since the chemical dependency seems to be a systemic problem.

I also understand when they are adults there is only so much you can do but protect yourself and do what is best for you.  From what you post the problems are so much bigger than any family can handle and professionals need to take over.

Best of luck
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2009, 08:00:22 AM »
Who is Joni and how do I contact her?
UPDATE: I spoke to the NAMI woman this morning on the way to work, as I thought she is just a parent suggesting another parent support group. I need a place to treat my daughter not my emotions.
Story of my ongoing saga, taking everyone's suggestions, finding my own and hitting a brick wall.
The out-patient tx facility called me this morning as the counselor said her Director would. The Director feels that a long term 6-12 month program is in K's best interest. As of last night Kate would only agree to a 28 day stay. As a counselor in a program told me when Adam was in "A 28 day stay program is like plugging your finger into a dam". I am not taking my lunch break so I can leave 1 hour early and pick up Kate and take her to the center to discuss these treatment options. She is at least agreeable to attending the meeting, let's see if she will really be home to attend. I asked my husband to join us, dunno if he will.
Kate historically elopes from programs; such as a special school, another day treatment program, so I don't hold out much hope.

Jeanneb

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #22 on: June 19, 2009, 09:40:58 AM »
Joani has appeared on Dr. Phil several times in helping with addicts.

You might need to do some research but her name is Joani Gammill... her last appearance on the show was back June 11.  He also refers most of his guests to La Hacienda (treatment facility) so that also might be a good place to gather information.

Another website that might be of resource:  www.findtreatment.samhsa.gov

Best wishes to you and anyone fighting this disease.

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

Paula, Tims Mom

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #23 on: June 19, 2009, 04:34:05 PM »
Paula,
Send me your email privately and ID yourself as being Paula from this board. I know Joani Gammill quite well. I will forward your email to her.
Paula, Tims Mom

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #24 on: June 19, 2009, 05:54:49 PM »
Paula, I don't know how to private email anyone on the board. People have sent me private messages and I don't know how they do that.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #25 on: June 19, 2009, 05:59:14 PM »
Kate, my husband and myself went to a local out patient treatment center. They suggested she go into long term in patient treatment. She refused. Our compromise was a contract that she go to their center for 5 group meetings plus individual sessions with random drug testing per week. She comes up dirty or misses or cancels an appoint. she goes in patient.
This starts on Mon.
My husband is besides himself, can't believe that we are doing heroin treatments all over again.
I just don't hold out hope for so many reasons, Adam's death is a major one and of course Kate's history is to never to be able to commit to anything despite the consequences.
After that we went to visit my Mom is the assisted living and she boo hooed and told us how much she hates it there. It's true, she does, you can see it in her body language.
I can't keep her home I work and she didn't like help in the house.
She can no longer drive nor make coherent conversations due to the stroke, so living at home is not the answer either.
Life can really be such a hardship.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Paula, Tims Mom

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #26 on: June 19, 2009, 07:10:11 PM »
Look under your name and the term Greeter
You will see a little green icon for personal messaging
Check your personal messages, I sent you my email address
Joani's professional title is Interventionist.  I dont know if that is what your family needs or if she can help you but you can ask, or get advice
Paula, Tims Mom

Ironically Joani only knows me in my present life, not my past. so she doesn't know I lost a child, much less to heroin, but I've been meaning to tell her. Because usually when she starts talking about her work I just walk away.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2009, 07:14:29 PM by Paula, Tims Mom »
Paula, Tims Mom

Annette

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #27 on: June 20, 2009, 12:46:36 PM »
My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family. I do not know any advice to give to you, but you definitely are out there looking for answers and trying your very best. You are a good mother and you have a hurting family. It just isn't fair. Never, ever give up.
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #28 on: June 20, 2009, 10:48:24 PM »
I found J.G. on the internet and sent her an email.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

laurenE

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #29 on: June 21, 2009, 11:34:05 AM »
Paula,
It sounds like you are doing some good stuff to help your daughter and yourself.  You have alot to be proud of in your battle with this drug addiction.   Good job!  

A couple of things I would suggest is to get a restraining order on her so that when she does come home strung out,  or breaks into your home,  you can call the police and she will be arrested for breaking and entering and for disobeying the restraining order.   It sounds cruel but really its not.  Jail or prison is one of the safest places for her,  b/c they eventually keep her if they have to keep re-arresting her again and again.   In jail at least she is away from her suppliers,  and away from many of the dangers of the street, such as guns, thugs, etc . I realize jail or prison is full of its dangers but at least its somewhat controlled...hopefully.  
 Anyway,  by having her arrested  you very well may save her life.
I would also suggest getting an alarm system for your house.  YOU have to be safe and the one person you need to look out for right now is yourself.

Tough love is tough stuff!   In this case you have to be willing to lose your daughter in order to save her.   And who knows, in the end she may clean up and welcome you back into a heathy relationship again.

If you let her live with you when she is sober.  Stop.  Dont let her live with you anymore.   If she is homeless,  send her to the Salvation Army/homeless shelter.  As long as you keep letting her back in,  she has no reason to stay.  If you put your foot down and say no more,  then where else is she going to go?  Trust me,  shelter is one of our basic needs on Maslows heiarchy so one way or another we will find shelter for ouselves, whereever that may be.   It can not be your house any longer.   Like I said,  if she thinks she can get back into your house,  she wont try hard to find a place to stay somewhere else.  Or if she does find some place, she will find all kinds of things wrong with it if she thinks she can get back to you.  No place will be good enough if she thinks she can run back home to momma.  

 It may take several attempts for her to get the message across so be strong when she manipulates and whines and tries everything possible to get back in the door.  All the promises in the world should not be good enough until she can prove good clean behavior for at least a yr... a solid yr of sobriety and clean living/job stability/ etc.  

This is more on the extreme side but the other option is to move out of town and not tell her where you are.  Then she is forced to stand on her own.  As a mom you can not rescue her anymore.  Its killing her.  And you.  

It sounds as if you are getting your own help.  Thats awesome!  There is so much stress in dealing with an addict that counseling can be a great support system,  especially if you are not getting it from your spouse.   I  also highly recommend
 al anon as well as  your individual therapy.  

You are definately not alone in your battle.  I know a couple of people who have used both of the above suggestions and have finally gotten their life back b/c of their strength to walk away.    Yes,  you may lose your daughters relationship if you walk away but  1)  you may lose her anway to her drug/lifestyle  and 2) what you are doing now isnt working for either of you.  So its definately worth a try.

There is a great book on how to spot manipulators called "Whos Pulling Your Strings"  by Harriet Braiker.     There are times when we dont realize we are being manipulated and so we need to educate ourselves on what to look for.  I know it helped me tremedously!

cheering for you in this major battle.

lauren
« Last Edit: June 21, 2009, 11:39:43 AM by laurenE »