Author Topic: My Hellish Life  (Read 25074 times)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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My Hellish Life
« on: June 16, 2009, 06:51:29 PM »
I'm at work. I'm a school nurse these days and on a school trip with the children and the area we are in has no cell phone service. About 2:30 as we are heading back to the school my service resumes and there is a text from my husband to call him ASAP. In my screwed up life that message is the kiss of death; something is really horribly amiss in my household. Sure enough, Josh my youngest informs my husband of breaking up a drug altercation on behalf of our daughter at 4 a.m. that had been heading towards a violent disasterous outcome. My husband goes to Kaitlin's room and discovers Heroin. My husband went ballistic; went to her boyfriends house, to a drug friends house and got into a physical altercation. My son disposes of the drug and it's paraphanelia. My son spent the day trying to work things out with my daughter and husband. My son flees the house before I can get home figuring I'm going to rip into her. My husband is severely depressed and feeling that life is just not worth living for the few moments of pleasure that do not add up anywhere to the amount of heartache and stress we endure.
Josh has his own set of issues that he has not let us in to try to assist. He either has drugs, gambeling, drink or a combo of all three. He runs through money like nobody's business and he is all over the emotional map.
My family except for me refuses therapy and medications.
I so needed all of you today, this afternoon in my living room to help me through this crisis.
Now she is throwing up and going through withdrawal. No local detox centers will take her because she is not in acute withdrawal.
I am afraid. I am afraid that I will lose another child to Heroin. I am so afraid that my husband will kill himself. Father's Day has been troublesome for us for years now, this Sun.  will probably not be the happiest of days under the circumstances. I am afraid of not knowing what is up with Josh. I am afraid that all these problems will scare away my eldest for good.
How do I cope and seek answers when there are none to be had?????
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

jillsmom

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2009, 09:45:03 PM »
Oh Paula, I certainly don't have any answers, but I sure wish I did. Just hold on, Paula. You have worked hard to get support, and I hope you get help from them. I'm holding you in my prayers,
Kay
cooking for friends 2008

nancy/Patricks mom

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2009, 10:12:02 PM »
Paula  i dont have the answers either if i did my son would be here he also had a drug problem one thing i have found helpful is the book  beautiful boy by david sheff  really until they want help there is nothing you can do but pray i know that from talking to my son he said i could lock him up for twenty years and if he wanted to do drugs he would do them in 20 years . as it says in the book you become addicted to stopping thier addiction  he also has a web site www.davidsheff.com  have you tried al-non   my son told me a few weeks before he died that he wished he had never done drugs that they ruined his life and he was right they killed him and just about ruined all our lives  but as i said until they want to stop there is not a thing you can do  go to the web site it is kinda like this one  i will be praying for you
NANCY/JOHNATHAN PATRICKS MOM/3-31-87 - 12-08-07

Rebecca

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2009, 03:30:00 AM »
Oh Paula my heart cries out to you.  Both of your children need rehab and I know how expensive it is and I know that it will not work until they want it.  Someone somewhere has to be able to get through to them.  I wish I knew someone.  I know you daughter is bi polar but did you son have their problems before his brothers death?  I think I would write or e mail all the biggies on tv.  Maybe someone will hear you.  Maybe you could talk to people.  Somewhere somehow someone might know someone who could help you.  Believe me if I knew I would.  You are right in the NY City Area.  Why not park yourself at Gail King's office door and get to see her.  Send her an e mail first.  What about that program Intervention.  Oh how I wish I could help.  thinking of u and your husband.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2009, 04:33:04 AM »
Nancy, I read David Sheff's book too. I agree with his statement of becoming addicted to stopping their addiction. My late son Adam, like your Patrick also told me that he wished he never began using drugs. I believe that if someone wants to do something destructive to their lives they will. I have seen people in prison who come out and mess up their lives. You would think that you would do everything to never go back inside again and yet destructive behaviors are just that. With my daughter I have not tried rehabs, prior to this she has never picked up an addiction, I don't know if she is addicted now or was just using. I don't know if she is just "lucky" that it has never manifested itself before in a physical addiction or it's due to her chromosomal disorder. She doesn't do well in regular talk therapy I can't imagine that putting her into a rehab is going to help her. Plus this might sound silly since she is using, but I hate to put her into a situation where she is living and having close contact 24/7 with other addicted people. I think that for her that might open up a whole new world of nothing good for her.

Rebecca:  (Someone somewhere has to be able to get through to them.  I wish I knew someone.) I have not found anyone yet and I wish you did know someone too!  (I know you daughter is bi polar but did you son have their problems before his brothers death?) Kaiti has been diagnosed and other doctors change that diagnosis. So essentially she has none except for the fact that she has her developmental delays associated with her choromosomal disorder.  (I think I would write or e mail all the biggies on tv.  Maybe someone will hear you.) A ways back a friend suggested that to me, maybe it is an option. The problem is that shows go for ratings & I don't want to be sensationlized. You never hear about the after stories. Are there success stories, I fear that there are very little. Josh always seemed to be a bit immature for his age, but a good funny kid. His emotional state was hard to determine if there was something more b/c he was living in a world turned upside down between Adam and Kate. I fear that it has played a major toll on him. I would like to think that with help he could recover. Adam's demise has certainly helped to push his emotional state way out of control. We don't know what his issues are. His mood fluctuates, he never has money, even though he earns plenty.

Kay: I appreciate the prayers. It seems like I am not allowed to have any happiness. I had a few nice days, a friend even commented that I sounded good when we chatted ont the phone. Then...whammo...it always happens. It's like a see-saw that must balance out. If I am happy then unhappiness must come to counter it. I don't know why, it happens time after time after time....
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

browneyedgirl

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2009, 11:38:11 AM »
Paula ~ I am so sorry that you are going though this.
I just have to say one thing....please don't stop trying help them, please pay careful attention to what is happening, if I would have done more of what I just wrote, maybe my brother would still be alive. 
Sending you hope and prayers.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Luvinmike

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2009, 02:40:28 PM »
Dear Paula- I am so sorry for the continued onslaught of grief and pain. I am thinking of you and also you husband. It would be a ride for you but Hampsteadhospital.com in NH- is a safe environment that specializes in developmental, psychiatric and addictive and/or behavioral issues. It is quite a place and the will talk with you about insurances and try to help. It is beautiful and the people are good! There is also the Brattleboro retreat in VT. There may be places for rehabilitation nearer to you. NAMI, is a great organization for parents- fantastic.
A friend suggested you contact your State Rep. asking for guidance- and be brutally honest that you have lost a child and fear more pain here it is dangerous- then call back, again. You and I both know there is no fix here, but maybe some way that you and your husband could enjoy some happiness that you need and deserve. Most importantly gaining your confidence back- Your children suffer from some mental health issues which are known to be hereditary and/or biologically based- STOP blaming yourselves. You are brave and courageous parents who have to hug one another and celebrate the strength you have shown as the only failure would be to quit. I pray you find the strength to tell your kids you love them and know that your best IS and ALWAYS has been- enough. It is all we have to give. Hope you realize many here are cheering you on. Find the small moments of joy where you can. Prayers for your strength. Terri

Rebecca

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2009, 04:11:39 AM »
Paula... Judy, once again, said it all.  We as parents cannot find the answers for our children to change but we can find the answers for ourselves.  That does not take away the hell we go through when we can't help ourselves.   Just yesterday, while interviewing a defendant in jail, I saw a mother whose son was behind the glass, and they were talking on the phone.  The son is on probation with me.  She was crying. I stopped by because I was part of the incident where they found items which alledgedly implicated her son in a crime.  While I was there she kept saying over and over... that her son would never hurt anyone.  Yes, he was on crack cocaine.  For me the whole situation was particularly painful because this woman lost her oldest son when he died in a alcohol related crash.  While in her home she kept saying about how she raised her children well and her sons would never hurt or do anything wrong.  Meanwhile both boys had already been to prison.  I had a hard time not telling her that I knew the pain of losing a son... different circumstances but a loss non the less.  I did tell her that as parents we do the best that we can do.  We love our children, but ultimately, they become adults and are then responsible for their own actions.  Paula, you are not to blame. You are not responsible. 
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2009, 08:10:56 AM »
Judy, I DID LOSE THE BATTLE. Adam died. I tried everything, I explored everything. I always feared that he could die but truly didn't expect it to happen. I know first hand that all the love in the world for my child, all the interventions, sometimes sadly do not work. What sort of answers am I supposed to have for myself? I think that I do everything humanly possible to hold my family together and be the optomistic backbone to them all. I am the sole person in my family who goes to the meetings, the doctors, seeks answers. Now I have Kate using H again. F*ck me, this time I am angry. She does this with her eyes wide open. She saw how H destroyed our family her brother and she willingly goes and says I want to do this. She is not addicted to H, she is addicted to poor choices.  She is complicated by many factors but she can see with her own eyes what this has done to our family. She sees how much Craig & I hurt and she goes hellbent on her own destructive behaviors. Her addiction is different than Adam's. Josh is putting us through the wringer too. Craig is right when he says that the good times in life, such as the simplilciity of smelling a beautiful flower does not even come close to balancing out all the heartache we go through. It just doesn't seem worth it. I wish I had not tried to kill myself before and look at it differently now, I miss that it is no longer a choice for myself. I want this pain to stop, this endless heartache. I cannot even grieve for Adam, I have non-stop, ongoing, major league serious issues from Craig's emotional state, to G-d knows what Josh is doing to Kaitlin. It doesn't end.

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2009, 08:13:21 AM »
Browneyedgirl, I don't stop trying. Please don't beat yourself up for being unable to save your brother's life. I beat myself up and it doesn't change the fact that my son is dead. It just makes me miserable 24/7.

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2009, 08:33:05 AM »
Terri, Thank you for your suggestions. I am going to call the NH, Vt places today and contact NAMI.

Everyone: I have found in my experience that no one in the "system" can help me. I sought help from police, social workers in the jail, probation etc. no one has any concrete answers for me. Even when they lock my children up they come out to me with the same old, same old problems. There was no rehabilitation for them. Even if there was something worthwhile my children would have to be motivated. Adam was smart, why he did not survive his beyond me. Was his addiction so strong that he just took over any sense of reason or did he simply just like the drugs so much and felt that he truly would never die? Kate is not smart and she is so emotionally needy. I do think that escaping into H bliss is a feeling she likes and she emulates her brother. I think that she wants all the attention that Adam got and still gets. Craig & I give her ENORMOUS amounts of attention, always had and still do. Josh on the other had is so reactive to all the events that unfolded as he was growing up. His emotions truly require therapy for him to get a healthy perspective. But now his actions are indictative of a far more sever problem. I can only be emotionally supportive of him and offer suggestions. He pushes us away 24/7. It has been years and years of challenges. I am worn out, weary, sad, and trying to put on the strong face for my husband who is not emotionally strong. I feel like my life is a sentence and I don't even know what crimes I committed.

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2009, 08:53:39 AM »
Terri: Kaitlin aged out of the Hampstead Hospital D.D. program. She would not be eligible for the chemical dependency program as it is only for "local folk". Their detox program is only for 3 days and then they refer to a local community based out patient program. They had zero suggestions for me in my area.
I will let you know the outcome of my next attempt from your suggestions.

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #12 on: June 18, 2009, 08:57:14 AM »
Terri: Kate has NYS, LI, Nassau County, Medicaid. Brattleboro takes only Vt. Medicaid

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #13 on: June 18, 2009, 09:06:50 AM »
Terri: I just called NAMI. They referred me to a woman and her telephone # a few towns over from me. I called, she was too busy to talk at the moment. She asked me to call her this evening. I will. I will let you know if she offers anything different than what I have already tried in the past. The help that I am seeking is not another support group for me, I am looking for concrete treatment options for Kaitlin. I fear that this is just another parent and I'll be spinning my wheels, but I will try as I always do.

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: My Hellish Life
« Reply #14 on: June 18, 2009, 10:18:21 AM »
I just sent off an email to two TV shows: The Oprah Winfrey show and the Dr. Phil show. I told them a little about her issues and asked them for help.