Author Topic: Mad as heck  (Read 4865 times)

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Mad as heck
« on: June 08, 2009, 12:22:26 AM »
As the 5 yr mark approaches I find myself angry all over again. My man is having teen angst problems with his son and only sees him one weekend a month now, and of course he is upset with this. So he says tonight how much this is upsetting him, and I say I know it is. He replies with "no, you couldnt possibly know what Im going thru..." I kept my mouth shut at the time, but now its after 2am and I am seething with resentment towards his remark. HELLOOOO I havnt seem my daughter in 5 FREEKING YEARS. I would GLADLY opt for seeing Jess one a month and know she is safe and sound over what I have- nothing. Now, in fairness, I know he meant noting with his remark, and was only speaking out of his own frustration. But even though he KNOWS what I have been thru in all these yrs he can still say what he said. I just want to bi**ch slap him and tell him to be thankful that he HAS a son.
 And to add insult to injury with in the last few weeks my ex ( the "dad") who raised Jess suggested that we didnt do enough to save her, that we should have insisted the docs keep trying, even though Jess herself begged me to let her go. She had crashed more times than i can count and it was over. Yet now after 5 yrs he says I gave up. WTH??
 Sorry Im venting after not posting much lately. As all the new parents come to this site I feel more and more helpless and dont know what to say anymore, so
I just lerk in the shadows. But i always think of all our children here.

Rebecca

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2009, 05:28:46 AM »
People say the stupidiest things without realizing how we feel.  On Friday night we went to Temple especially since our dear friend Marsha died that day and there was a blessing said for my SIL's father.  The Rabbi's husband sat with us, a sweet, kind, loving you man.  I told him our friend died and he gave his condolences.  We left after the last prayer and told her husband that we were leaving to go out and see our friends family and he said:  Have a good time.  Now that was totally inappropriate but I am sure that what I had just told him an hour ago did not sink in.  I know that is true because the Rabbi called and I told her about my friend and she was sorry for us.  She did not know, so her husband did not tell her.  We are all about "us" everyone...and we the grieving person has to understand that the world doesn't understand our pain.  In a quieter moment, I would mention that once a month is 1 million times better than never.I  did that with my daughter's MIL. She was bitching about her daughter living in SF, her son in Boston and she in Fla.  After listening for a short while I said: at least you can, at the spur of a moment get on a plane, pick up the phone and see or talk to them.  I will never be able to do these things with Jason.  Shut her up real quickly.  I understand how the remark he made you feel.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2009, 06:41:19 AM »
We live it, the ginormous loss of our children, every moment of each day. No one else does, so even the most empathic person to our situation still does not get it.

Jeanneb

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2009, 08:03:21 AM »
Hi Brenda,

It is good to see you post and always love seeing Jess' beautiful face.

I read your post a couple of times and wasn't sure why the ex decided to share this info with you now?  Not sure what you are suppose to do with that info but I guess he needed to clear his thoughts.  Just sometimes wish people would keep it to themselves without burdening others.  As I say we do the best we know how at the time we do it and with the info we have.

I'm sorry that the current man in your life made that flippant comment.  Sometimes we just don't realize what we say until it is too late.  Certainly can understand why you'd be mad and probably he is lucky you didn't let go all over him.  But as we move forward somehow I think we also become more tolerant of what could be perceived as ugly comments by others.  I know for me I am now able to let stuff roll a little easier... maybe that has to do with coming up on 6 years of this journey.

The 5 year mark was a tough one and now for me it just seems so long ago... so much time has passed and so many changes.  But then again in a moment I can be right back to that tragic day... not as easily as I once could but it still happens and the missing is still every day.

Sending you a hug,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

WendyRN

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #4 on: June 08, 2009, 12:05:53 PM »
Brenda

I guess you could chalk his remark up to human selfishness.  In dealing with his own, he momentarily forgot about your extreme loss and the pain that will forever accompany it.  I hope he will realize and choose his words more carefully. 

I'm so sorry your ex is finding this particular time appropriate to question the circumstances regarding the loss of your beautiful Jessica.  Please don't let his words send you into a guilt spiral.  It sounds like he has some of his own and is wanting to strike out. 

Sending you strength to cope as best you can.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2009, 12:20:01 PM »
((( Brenda)))) Your ex sounds like he is just now in the "anger" stage, and I don't think he should have said that to you,, like we need any guilt to add to the pain and sadness. What your bf said was stupid, I'm sorry but that's how I feel. Oh yea, wouldn't we all trade seeing our kids once a month as to "never again" . I know my bf is going through some tough times with his ten year old who is very rude to me and my grandaughter Tristin. I put up with it for months and I finally said NO MORE !!!!! He can see him himself just him and his boy anytime anywhere just not with me.  Sorry I'm going into my own venting, but I'm sorry that people say things like that and it still angers me so much.... like we haven't lived through the hell of our kids dying. I, like Jeanne can let a lot roll off more now, but somethings I can't and wont. I tell it like it is,,,, be GRATEFUL your child is HERE!!!!
Sending my love
Brenda
and a huge hug

Dena

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2009, 03:10:57 PM »
Brenda,

People tend to say things without fully thinking them through. Sometimes people do that as a safety mechanism. It keeps them from getting "too close" to our pain.  Sometimes it is just plain anger talking. 

I am sorry, Brenda.  I wish there was more I could say.  Just know  I am thinking of you.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

tsoley

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2009, 05:37:29 PM »
I understand and would be angry as well. He probably wasn't even thinking. Maybe he needs to be reminded that you have gone 5 years without seeing your daughter? IDK. I am so sorry and I so understand.
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

LaVonne

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2009, 06:54:20 PM »
I am so dorry for all you are going thru right now.  I do hope he thinks about what he said and realizes how he hurt you. Keeping you and Jess in my thoughts and prayers.    LaVonne

Karen Paul

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2009, 05:29:18 AM »
Brenda - I'm no expert obviously, and haven't been posting much myself lately.. but you have always been so kind to me and welcomed me here and I'm so sorry to hear that you've been hurt by these words thrown at you lately - I too, am not sure why your ex decided he needed to burden you with his thoughts at this point - you know you did everything you could for Jessica, that is all you need to know - and I'm sure deep down he knows it too -

As for your man - I honestly don't think he meant to hurt you, nevertheless that is what happened because as you say he was venting his own frustrations - I hope you can forgive him- he is having valid frustrations with his child - and probably needs to be able to vent them.. but that is so impossible to hear when you would give anything to be in those shoes, getting a chance to talk to your child and see her.. it is just so hard.. 

I remember 5 years, which we passed last November, being very hard for all involved in my family. Don't know what it is .. but it was very tough.. my heart goes out to you.. and I will always remember your sweet Jessica's face and see her smiling..

luv and hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt


Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #10 on: June 09, 2009, 11:18:42 AM »
Thanks guys for responding. What my bf said was stupid, but im over it. My ex, however, is a jack*** and nothing will ever change that. He has always tried to push my buttons and continues to try to control me that way, I, as always, have to try to rise above it. The afternoon he called me and raised the question "did we do enough" took me so off guard I didnt even know how to respond. Sometimes i think he lays awake at night thinking up new ways to hurt me...lol. Any how, he can go to ****!!!!!!!
Love all of you! Brenda


ps- Brenda, your resonse was the best!

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Mad as heck
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2009, 05:35:01 PM »
Just wanted you to know I can understand. I get so frustrated and for lack of a better word pissed off when I hear people complaining about their kids. (Oh they messed up the house. They dont listen. Im tired of running them all over the place. etc...etc..etc...) I just want to walk up to them and smack them upside the head!!!!All I want to scream is ......"DONT YOU REALIZE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE!!!!YOU DUMBASS!"
Obviously I dont and have learned to have a bit more restraint, but I can certainly understand how those words could tear your heart out. Know I am thinking of you and hoping for "gentler days". We are approaching the 5 year mark as well on June 26 and it sure seems as if the whole world is going to crumble down around me some days.
Sending strength and peace.