Losing Breath (long)

[Rebecca]

I've had these feelings for a long time and not sure how to write to make myself really understood.  Even now, I might not be.  As everyone knows, our daughter is moving in with us at the end of the month with her husb until they buy a place of their own, in Chicago, which I am so thankful for.  Well, they were here again this weekend and we were busy all the time.  Today, started to clean off my dining room table (SIL mother coming July 1st from Fla for 5 days) and we had, a few weeks ago, bought some new pic frames for pics of Jason and my daughter on her wedding day, almost 6 years ago.  Well, when I put them in the frame, I started to hyperventalate... looking at the pics makes me so sad but there are no more tears.  I was thinking about this the other day that it has been a while since I really cried.  This frightens me.  Not because I don't think about Jason so much but because I think I am stuffing my feelings because my daughter is here and to keep talking about my pain will not change the outcome.  I wanted to sit down and talk to her about being the daughter to a mother who lost a son and then the me, losing Jason and we were just moving all the time I did not get the chance.  I know when she comes here all the running will stop and I will be able to.  But, back to  the pictures.  I hurt so when I look at them that my eyes most time inadvertently move  away.  When I look at my daughter I know that there is no Jason.  How could that be.
I know I have said this time and time again.  Is there anyone here who has no tears left, who can't look at pics without losing  breath, without feeling that her,his insides will breakeven more.  I pretend that it is no so and that is what keeps me mving which makes no sense as I know he is gone.  The pictures look so aliiveI told my husband how I feel and he said:  ok, take them down and then said:  no we can't.  I don't want to take them down, I want to be able to look at them and smile and  remember him without feeling the intense pain I feel.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Cheryl - Brett's Mom]

Oh Rebecca.....I recognize that pain. We can't bear to remove pictures & other things that are a connection to them, but on the other hand it hurts to the core to realize the extent of their absence from 'life' and from our lives. I grieve for my son, because even though everyone says he is in a better place (and I sure hope he is) he left this life without any of his family with him (and we did so much together), he doesn't get a chance to fall in love, to marry, to have his own children (which he wanted) or to spend more time with 'us'. I grieve for myself...for the pain of remembering his death, for missing him, for missing out on sharing his future. Sometimes I can't cry, sometimes the tears won't stop, sometimes I just 'hurt', and sometimes I feel empty & just don't care about anything...then I feel guilty because I feel that I am ignoring how important my other kids are to me. All these emotions together....sometimes all at once, sometimes taking turns messing with my head. I hurt for you Rebecca...I hurt for that absence of your son in your life. Hang on tight...we'll get through this. I hope that afer everything settles down you'll have some chances to talk to your daughter about Jason. My duaghter doesn't talk about her brother often, but I treasure the times when we have talked. Holding you close in my heart.....that is an expression that I have heard over and over gain in the grief support boards I have visited, but it is so true..I do hold you in my heart!!!

[Brenda(Jessica's Mom)]

Rebecca- I am with you. Tears rarely come now, just lost breath, silent pain, invisible sorrow.  Agonizing emptiness. Im there with you.

[Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)]

I think that the stress of anticipation of the changes are affecting you more than perhaps you even thought it was going to do...? Please just take it all in tiny moments and maybe that way you can get through it.

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

You're going through a lot of changes with your daughter moving in, I know it is a blessing but still a big change and with it comes stress I think. The pictures, oh yes, there are days I have to say I'm sorry Taylor I can't look at you today and I hope you understand it hurts too much. I can't take them down, wont' take them down, but have to avert my eyes quite often. For me, the tears flow so much I dont' see how I haven't dried up to a prune but I now get that loss of breath, hard to catch my breath too and it's scary, not in a medical sense just in a sense that I think am I losing what mind I have left. Probably not a lot of help, but I understand and we love you.
Brenda

[LaVonne]

Rebecca:  I am so sorry for all the emotions right now. I am sure with the stress of daugter moving in and the closeness you have, missing Jason will be more vivid. Now you have her with you and you know Jason can't be there to be that complete family again.  The memories of how life use to be are coming back and that will be hard.  Know I care and will keep you close to my heart.  Hope you and your daughter can have that talk.  LaVonne

[nancy/Patricks mom]

rebecca  i feel your pain i look at pics of patrick and its so sad i try to remember the sound of his voice i never want to forget that or the sound of his laugh i feel that i am the only one that talks about him anymore or brings his name up  i still have a hard time believing he is gone its like if i reach out far enough i can touch him  i have just been sad lately 

[Karen Paul]

Hi Rebecca - I read your post and though I know my journey is so much different than yours, I have to say your words do ring true with me as well. I have gone through times where the sadness is unbearable but there are no tears - I have come to conclude it is my body's way of resting a little maybe - but it comes and goes - like everything else on this grief journey - it is not linear (I will never cry again) but instead it is like waves on the ocean (back and forth, up and down).. I don't think you are stuffing your feelings, I think maybe this is just another part of grief.. you are moving forward every day.. one little baby step at a time.. and I think when you have the time to sit and talk with your daughter that will be another step forward..

As for the pictures - just because something hurts doesn't always mean we should escape from it - though the pictures hurt so much now, only you can determine what is right for you - because maybe with the hurt, there is comfort in seeing Jason there, so alive - sometimes the pain and the comfort go hand in hand.. I know they do for me. Sometimes they cannot be separated..

I'm glad your daughter is moving closer, I think that is very good.. and I hope you do get to talk to her, because you have so much to tell her and I think she does need to hear it from you..

much love, Karen
Chris' aunt

[WendyRN]

(((Rebecca)))

At 22 months without my Keith, I still cry almost every day.  Sometimes, I am just so overwhelmed with sadness but there is a numbness in my response.  When I look at his photos sometimes I can't bear to allow the enormity of his loss to touch me.  When I do succumb, I find it starts a spiral of emotions that return me to the darkness.  The intensity of sadness forcing me back to the early weeks and months where life seemed surreal but was covered in a thick blanket of despair.  Nobody could survive the strength of that early pain for long but in some ways it was easier then.   I am finding this 2nd year of loss very difficult, rarely contributing to this site as it is just too overwhelming.  Reality came knocking at my door.  Although I still fantacize about Keith walking through the door or my entering the kitchen to find him whipping up his favourite concoction, my head tells me its not going to happen.  He is gone.  Forever. 

I understand about seeing your daughter and immediately having the response of "there is no Jason".  My sister wrote a poem about Keith in the early days after he passed and she referred to my Holly, Wade and Keith as "the triangle" and that this triangle was now forever broken.  It just stated so clearly what I hadn't been able to comprehend. 

On those days when I feel the numbness creeping in and yet need to let go, I put on "the music".  I have several cd's of music that I've compiled that give me my Keith time and then I can slowly pick back up and carry on. 

I'm so glad you are going to have your daughter with you for awhile.  I hope this opportunity to have some solid time with her will ease a little of the pain on this journey that is your new life. 

Wendy, Keith's mom