I've had these feelings for a long time and not sure how to write to make myself really understood. Even now, I might not be. As everyone knows, our daughter is moving in with us at the end of the month with her husb until they buy a place of their own, in Chicago, which I am so thankful for. Well, they were here again this weekend and we were busy all the time. Today, started to clean off my dining room table (SIL mother coming July 1st from Fla for 5 days) and we had, a few weeks ago, bought some new pic frames for pics of Jason and my daughter on her wedding day, almost 6 years ago. Well, when I put them in the frame, I started to hyperventalate... looking at the pics makes me so sad but there are no more tears. I was thinking about this the other day that it has been a while since I really cried. This frightens me. Not because I don't think about Jason so much but because I think I am stuffing my feelings because my daughter is here and to keep talking about my pain will not change the outcome. I wanted to sit down and talk to her about being the daughter to a mother who lost a son and then the me, losing Jason and we were just moving all the time I did not get the chance. I know when she comes here all the running will stop and I will be able to. But, back to the pictures. I hurt so when I look at them that my eyes most time inadvertently move away. When I look at my daughter I know that there is no Jason. How could that be.
I know I have said this time and time again. Is there anyone here who has no tears left, who can't look at pics without losing breath, without feeling that her,his insides will breakeven more. I pretend that it is no so and that is what keeps me mving which makes no sense as I know he is gone. The pictures look so aliiveI told my husband how I feel and he said: ok, take them down and then said: no we can't. I don't want to take them down, I want to be able to look at them and smile and remember him without feeling the intense pain I feel.
Rebecca Jason's Mom