Author Topic: I'm ok for now  (Read 3930 times)

rita-grammy

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I'm ok for now
« on: May 22, 2009, 08:06:01 AM »
thank you everyone for all the concern ...it's been hard today is ten months and every month around this time I tend to go off the deep end ..not sure what will happen when the one year angel day comes..its just that sometimes my grief becomes so unbearable I just want to crawl in that dark place in my mind and never come out...I'm sure everyone here has been there ..I went to my grandchildrens graduation and I kept looking for Becca in the crowd ..she was so looking forward to being there..I know she's gone..something in my mind won't accept it as being final...I really don't have anyone to talk to my husband tends to ignore it hoping somehow all the pain will just go away...my other children think I just be over it by now and any friends I had stay away from me now because it was a suicide no one want's to talk about it ...and I am a very angry person and I am sure I am not pleasant to be around I have a tendency to wonder out loud how can the world go on without my Becca in it ,,,my mother in law is 87 and all she does is whine about her illnesses I just could'nt take anymore...she's the one who told me I know Becca is dead what do you want me to do about it...so I told her in not very nice terms what I thought...my parents both died from cancer years ago and it was not a very pleasant way for either of them to die it was painful and ugly...and she calls me she has a small tumor she had day surgery to remove it and she thinks shes dying ...I told her your 87 why don't you just give it up..I know it was mean I later told her I was sorry ...I just can't help thinking she outlived Becca by 56 years and shes feeling so sorry for herself....my parents went through hell ...my dad had part of his spine removed because he could no longer walk the tumors had grown so large..he died three months later...my mom refused all treatment of her cancer she missed my dad and just gave up...and she wants me to feel sorry for her....anyway her whole family is not speaking to me any longer..not that they ever really tried to help anyway....I am sorry I am venting I just have no one else to tell that would even care to try to understand...I know I need to go to therapy its just last time I went.. the therapist told me that maybe Becca did hate me...well, that really helped...sent me into that dark place again....for now I'm fine as fine as I can be on this journey through hell I'm living in ...Saturday my grandchildren are having their party and I'm not sure how I will deal with that as I will be seeing the same people and meeting at the same house where everyone was at for Becca's funeral I don't think I can go through it without crying all day...thank you for reading my rants and raves...you are all truly friends..I am sorry we all came together in this place but, grateful to have you....

Rita
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

JaimiesMom

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2009, 11:41:39 AM »
 :( i read an entry of yours awhile ago, and i have been wondering how you are. I wanted to respond, but the words just wouldnt come out. I know EXACTLY what your feeling about the therapyst, thats why i had to stop... but i should have just found someone that understood me instead of not going. Im 6 years now without my precious Jaimie, and it hasnt got easier... I'm begging you to please get help before you get too far.

I promise you that she didnt hate you. I PROMISE!! As a child who almost succeeded in killing herself and telling everyone who cared that i hated them. I know that i didnt, that it was just a cover for the true underlining problem. I wanted SOMEONE anyone too feel hurt, so that i knew i wasnt alone, not knowing that it would lead to a tragic emotional end.

Its not your fault! and im so sorry that you had to endure that, that you have to live with the knowing of this tragity. You my dear are in my thoughts, as is she. I would reallly like it if you saught out help, someone to talk to... cause as great as this website is, it wont give you the emotional help that you need, only the knowledge that your not alone. Its like a bandaid for a cut you need stitches for

I hope that you are smiling, not for me... but for Becca :) because i am!

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2009, 01:15:09 PM »
It was good to read your post as the last one was very worrisome. Please try to go to another therapist and even if you have to try several (like I did) ultimately you should find one you can relate to and get the help you need.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

LaVonne

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2009, 06:53:37 AM »
Thinking of you and hope you find tomarrow just a little easier than today. Know I care and this is a tugh journey we are on.  LaVonne

Kirstin *Joshuas Mum*

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2009, 06:44:11 PM »
All you are feeling is totally normal. The first 16 months after my son died where HELL!! The one thing that I have always lived by is that we have to do what we do to survive. I had to hit rock bottom before I could finally come out and after 9 yrs I am out. I am certainly not unscathed as I had a lot of major scrapes along the way. I just want to say to you to be kind to yourself.

Try not to put too much pressure on what you should or shouldn't be doing. Just the fact you get up every day is a miracle as it is for all of us at the beginning. It is so hard wearing that mask when those around us are moaning about "trivial things" in saying that, its not trivial to them. That is a hard one to understand when you are hurting so badly.

I can promise you that through time, the pain lessens and through help you can learn ways of living again. I know that is a hard concept to grasp so early on so I won't ram it down you just say that I promise that this raw pain doesn't last forever.

The best thing to do is to get help, either through a therapist, medication or talking your heart out here. This place was my saving grace in the early days and I will be forever thankful to the wonderful parents who truly knew what I was feeling and didn't judge me for it.

You have our support through  this hell. Just keep posting and letting it out and we will keep supporting you and holding you up.

much love and understanding

Kirstin *Joshuas Mum* forever 11

jillsmom

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2009, 06:10:23 PM »
Rita, I hope you are taking care of yourself and feeling less desperate. Keep looking for a therapist - you will know with just one visit if that particular person is going to help you or not. When we needed a family therapist I asked my friends, some of them said "I guess it's working...." but one said "She saved our lives." Guess which one we chose, and she saved our family too. Anyway, someone who would tell a mom her daughter might have hated her is not a therapist but a sadist. And I hope it is a relief for you not to have to talk to your inlaws at the moment. That kind of anger is so exhausting.
I'll be thinking of you,
Kay Jill's mom
cooking for friends 2008

laurenE

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2009, 05:11:40 AM »
My mother died  of a massive heart attack 7 yrs ago.  She died hating me.   I knew that. She would scream it,  or let me know in some way when she was alive.  My family reminded me  of that several times during the funeral, and settling the will.   And so I had to grieve not only the loss of my mother,  but the loss of what never was (she was abusive from the time I was 2)  and what could have been.   We never got that 2nd chance to get things right.   I dont think we ever would have, no matter how long she would have lived.  She was very difficult.   

So I am telling you this to say that I  also kinda understand what its like to lose someone who you had a difficult relationship with.  It complicates the grief in many many ways.

 Therapy saved me.   literally, it saved my life. 

 I'm sorry you didnt like the therapist you went to.  Sometimes they say things that dont come out quite how they mean.  So maybe you should discuss this with her?  or maybe find somoene else to go to.     But you cant go through this dark dark place alone.   trust me on this one.   

keep coming back here to share your pain.  We do care and understand.

lauren

Terry

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2009, 08:01:04 PM »
Rita, I'm so relieved to know you've reached a lil plateau and that you are just a lil more grounded. Although I have not been on here much as I've been crazy busy, I do think of you all the time. And, you are always in my prayers.
And, I have to say, that for 10 months, you are doing remarkably well. I can remember at 10 months going out with my husband to town just to get out of the house because I couldn't stop crying. I made a sign from a piece of paper that said..."PLEASE SAY MY SON'S NAME. IT IS JEFF" and taped it to my blouse.
While walking through Pet Smart all I heard was Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. The grocery store, the same. The restaurant on the way home, the same. By that time, I was exhausted from crying and all 3 waitresses walked over to me and just hugged me for the longest time. Before we left there, everyone at the tables held up their glasses, cups and said JEFF.
I am crying so hard just writing this and remembering that time and thinking of you Rita and knowing how much pain you are in. I do understand, sadly.

You 'will' be in a better place one day. I promise you. Please believe that. It's such a struggle and it's daily and you're worth it. You're worth all the love and kindness that comes your way. And bless the day when you will feel joy and real happiness, even while tending to that hole in your heart. Because love doesn't die and Becca will always be with you. And, she loves you so much and as time goes by, you'll be able to feel it more and more. And, that love is what will bring you joy and happiness.

Please be patient with yourself Rita and know that this is a long journey, one that none of us ever  thought we would be taking. And never forget how very loved you are.

You have my love, Rita and always, my understanding and support.
Terry

rita-grammy

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Re: I'm ok for now
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2009, 09:11:06 PM »
her name is boo....becca...my little girl...my baby....
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be