I lost my dad six weeks before I was born, to a brain tumor, my mum told me they were treating him for migrains and then one day he couldnt hold anything so she took him to hospital and found a brain tumour so big that they couldnt treat it and he died 2 weeks later. Ive only had my mum growing up as both parents, about 5 years ago she was diagnosed with kidney cancer, she had her kidney removed but 1 1/2 - 2 years later on the cancer had come back where her kidney used to me and also moved to her lungs, they tried to treat it but nothing was working. Later the cancer was moving towards her bowel and they told us she only had a matter of weeks left. Something that never sunk in, i knew she was a fighter and just thought they got it wrong, especially as she perked up whilst being in the hospice and even managed to make a trip home for the night, I collected her from the hospice on the Tuesday and took her back on Wednesday, phoned her on the Thursday and she was crying in so much pain (my mum never cried so i knew it was bad) I went into see her and the doctors told me she only had 2 days max left, i sat with her until she finally passed away on the Friday night. It was all so sudden from her looking brighter and coming home, which was meant to be the start of weekly trips home, to deteriorating so quickly. The doctor said it was a perforated bowel or spleen, he couldnt be sure which, she was in alot of pain so was given vast amounts of pain killers, making her last hours peaceful as she slept all day. Im only 22, and I feel too young to be left on my own. I have only just finished University on the Wednesday, handing in my last essay after I dropped her at the hospice. I feel stuck with my life now, i know i need to carry on and move back to aberdeen where i studied to get a job, but everything feels so hard without my mum being there for me. Its only been a week and i know that things apparently get easier in time but i just dont see it happening. I know parents are supposed to die before their children but i just expected it to be when i was much older than I am now. I woke up the day after the funeral thinking ill have to tell mum some of the funny stories about the night before, then suddently realised that I cant. Just now it feels like she has gone out or on holiday. Im not sure how im going to cope when it hits me that she has gone. I have friends who has lost a parent but its not the same as loseing both. I have read a few posts with people stating they have an "orphan feeling" even tho they know they are too old to technically be an orphan, but i have that feeling too. I feel so alone. I have a brother but he gets very violent when he is angry and has coped by smashing things which really isnt helping me so I cant look to him for support. My boyfriend and Aunt are being a great help but its just not the same as havig my mum around. I want her back. I always imagined that she would be there for all the good times that i will have ahead, graduating, getting married, having kids etc. Especially graduation as she made it clear to family and nurses that her last wish was to come to my graduation but she didnt make it, which makes me even sader to think that she never got her last wish. I miss my mum so much. I have a strange sence of being free but also very lonely, unlike my friends i now have no parents to answer to or tell me what to do (which at this age to alot of people would be very appealing) but i miss having someone there, I miss my mum fussing about me and always making sure im safe and doing the right thing. I hope things do get easier in time as just now they are very hard. All i want to do is hug my mum again.
Topic: Losing both parents too young (Read 5946 times)
