I am very new to this. Don't know where to begin. I lost my younger brother 2 weeks ago after a very short time of being diagnosed with cancer. My brother was diagnosed with cancer on April 8, 2009 and died on May 4, 2009. He rarely missed a day of work. prior to this diagnosis. He also has a 9 year old son (my nephew) whom I dearly love and had to tell him that his Daddy was dying.
When my brother found out he had less than a month to live (pancreatic, liver, lung and brain cancer) he began his bucket list. The main item was to go to Disney World. We were in Disney 3 weeks ago. My brother, nephew, mom and myself all went and spent a week there. He was so sick, but he never complained. He only had 1 1/2 good days. The other were so wretching with pain. The moment he stepped off the plane, he began to shut down and preparing to die. He did what he wanted. My mother, aunt and I took care of him until his last breathe. I am 47 and he is 43. I never imagined that I would have to take care of my brother at such a young age.
Did I mention that I am a Hospice nurse? Well that is my profession. I have to go back to work tomorrow and don't know if I can. Did I also mention that my work would not give me FMLA to take care of my brother. I was a few weeks short of being there 1 year, therefore, not eligible. They placed me in the position of having to choose between taking care of my brother or coming back to work. I told them I was not leaving my brother. This took place 1 week before he died. I knew the signs and symptoms of transitioning to dying, so I knew he was dying. I am so resentful towards them. A Hospice of all things. That is what we do, care for the dying and terminally ill. I don't know if I can continue to be a hospice nurse. They agreed to extend my absence for 2 additional weeks but they are posting my job. So I am actively looking for a job. And I have to go back tomorrow.
I cry or am near tears all the time. I have to make myself get up and go. I kept everything bottled in until I was able to get back home. I felt like I "had to be strong" for my mom. I think she is coping much better than me. I don't want to worry her so I act like all is well. I am a Christian, but I am having a hard time praying. I know that is not right cause I know that my brother is with Jesus.
Please what am I to do? I feel guilty for living. My mom and I decided that rather us receive the grief counseling, we wanted my nephew to have as much support as possible. He lives in another town, so we had to pick who would get that support of grief counseling from Hospice.
Thank you for reading this. I am not sure what I am searching for. I want ME back. I want to resume my life, but how do I do that? I am dreading going to work. I don't like the relationship I am in. I just want to go away and never return. Am I being normal? ARRRGGGGGHHHH......
Again, Thank you.
Topic: Lost my brother 2 weeks ago (Read 6650 times)
