Lovinmike,
I'm so sorry to hear how difficult this is for you.
The year of firsts is by no means an easy road. You will look back and wonder how you made it through...but you will make it through.
I didn't lose my husband, but I did lose my home and was displaced for a year(thanks to a devasting hurricane), then lost my mother six months later, and then lost my father nine months after losing her.
There is no way to compare losses and it wouldn't make any sense to do so.
Loss is loss, and is nonetheless devastating.
I know that you are going through it and its only natural.
I know that when you hear, " it will get better", you probably want to scream. I know I did because it seemed impossible at the time. Nevertheless, It really will get better.
I said once before that grieving is like peeling off layers of an onion. The outer skin is the most painful. It slowly comes off as you experience the pain of the loss, the lonliness, the regrets(whatever they may be) and the dashed hopes for the future without your loved one(s).
Deep inside of that onion skin is the healthier part of you; the core. And believe it or not... you still do have a future and it doesn't have to be a miserable one.
Before you think to yourself that I just don't understand, let me assure you that I do. While our losses may not be the same... my entire world shook with one loss after another and it was extremely difficult for me to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Two years ago, I couldn't imagine saying to you what I am saying right now. I am approaching 5 years since I was displaced by the hurricane, 3 years since I lost my mother, and 2 years since I lost my father.
As I neared the 2nd anniversary of my dad's death, I was overwhelmed with the reality that I could feel thankful. We were approaching Thanksgiving(he died at the end of November) and I remember telling the Lord that I was thankful for the sheer ability TO BE THANKFUL! That was really really huge for me.
Another biggie was desiring to get out into my garden! I heard you express that desire in your post and it excited me. That's huge! Go with it. For so long I didn't care what happenned in my garden. When I began to desire reviving my garden I knew that MY season was changing.
Whether you feel like it or not... you really are well on your way to a healthier tomorrow. You'll wake up one day and wonder how you made so much progress and it will make you all the more thankful because only YOU will know just how far you've come.