Author Topic: I am being mean  (Read 5160 times)

Luvinmike

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I am being mean
« on: May 10, 2009, 06:25:14 PM »
I have been so angry and awful towards people lately. I am dealing with a short fuse. I know it just makes things worse, but I can't help it. I want to be upset with myself causing headache, I want to be upset about my husband's doctor, I want to be upset at me and my husband for not taking certain steps, I have ignored all friend contacts lately, I am ending some friendships too. I'm just bored of this pain, it just won't quit...I don'like it- I tell myself- Think something good...
I am thankful we hugged alot.
I am going to get through another day, but I feel so sad. I miss Mike. I wish I could change this. I hate everything right now. I am so sick of working so hard, for what.
  Thanks to everyone, for reading this in the spirit of Eeyore. Last Mother's Day was the best day (Last full day I spent with Mike) and today is the worst day.
 Thanks. Terri :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Michelle C

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2009, 06:49:57 PM »
Terri...

Hugs and prayers are sent from all of us to you..

georgiapeaches

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2009, 07:03:43 PM »
Terri- Happy Mothers Day to you! you are repeating the words I am saying to myself, you are just saying them outloud. I am being mean also, to everyone in my path, I literally just got done chewing someone out! this cant go on to much longer, I am going to just start padding my room myself. We will make it through somehow. Keep holding on Terri. (((((hugs )))))) to you.


Love your friend always, Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

carrieset

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2009, 09:50:19 PM »
Terri:

I can relate to how you feel, except I have internalized that anger.  I have never been good at getting angry with others, except with my kids.  Or I could just tell Laurence about what was making me angry, but I'm not real good with talking to just the air now.

I think I need a punching bag, but probably not right now; as I beat the floor too hard one night and have 2 fingers that are still hurting and need some serious healing.

I am sorry about the pain; it is indescribable to anyone who has not been through this AWFUL journey.

Happy Mother's Day to you; L was still here last M day, but I can barely remember it as I was caregiving for him after another d**n surgery and a few weeks later on Father's Day had 3 inoperable new tumors.  Can't wait til Father's Day!!  He had 5 kids that he loved dearly.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow for you and everyone,

Hugs,

Carrie






Sad Eyes

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2009, 05:08:13 AM »
Terri,

I am so sorry that you are feeling such a mix of emotions right now. It's ok to feel angry.......life hasn't been fair to you, taking Mike away from you much much too soon.  I hope that the good memories you have of Mike will soon overcome the pain and sorrow you are feeling.

((((((Terri))))))  wish I could do something more to help ease your sorrow.  My thoughts are prayers are with you.

Sad Eyes

tsurandy

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2009, 08:50:03 AM »
Teri, our emotions just seem to erupt at times.  I am so sorry for the pain you have had to endure, you are such a good person.  I am thinking of you!
Peggy's Boy

kevinjj

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #6 on: May 13, 2009, 06:20:13 PM »
They always say that everything we experience and feel in grief is normal and that carries over for quite a while and doesn't pass as quickly as one wants and wishes it would. We have alot of emotion that doesn't always get out and it backs up, frustration, lonliness, fear of the future and we get snappy or feel real snappy and its totally normal. It will pass as you know and I don't see much mean about it. We've put up with alot, hurt alot and didn't always get the support we deserved and needed.

patty

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2009, 07:19:11 PM »
Hi, I hope this will just be a passing phase.  I hope somebody will be kind to you and that your mood will change. 
    I think that grief just sends us in all directions, like our compass has gone wild.  I find myself mad at others.  Even though they are friends I secretly get jealous that they have it so good (just to have each other!)  And then I feel guilty. And then I feel worse.
    Just be careful of one thing, donīt start being mean to yourself.  Take care, Patty

Luvinmike

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2009, 07:36:53 PM »
Thanks to all of you for replies. Thanks Patty about not being mean to myself. I am really having a hard time accepting that this si one year without my Mike. I cannot believe how difficult this is to accept. I am fighting it so much. I know I need to try to understand that he died, and that I have trust that he is okay- but I want to take care of him. I am wishing for things i can't have. My stomach is sick from this grief and crying. I went to the cemetary and the granite stone was there- it says,"FOREVER LOVED". I ordered it and paid for it in March. I feel like a grown up doing these awful practical things and then i feel like a little child weeping and missing him so deeply.
I try to remember the hardest times subside. i am keeping in touch with some close friends and we have a big Memorial event coming up. I want it to be over and done. I'm glad my husband will be recognized, he would like that. Kids are doing well, just a little bit tired out i think- we are all dragging through. I will start planting flowers again soon. Thanks everyone for listening.

Sidney

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2009, 10:30:02 AM »
Hi Terri -

Anniversarys and Occassions are the hardest for me.  Garth died five days before Thanksgiving.  Then we had Christmas, our wedding anniversary and my Dad's birthday at the end of December.  My daughter's birthdays have been hard - their Dad isn't there to give them the goofy present that he would always find in some second hand shop.  My daughter's high school graduation was so painful.  I was desperately sad that he wasn't there to share it with me and that she didn't have her father in the crowd cheering for her.  Even now, more than two years after Garth's death, I find the pain around these occasions creeps in unconsciously.  It is almost like my soul has the calendar marked and I have very little to say about it.  I cried most of the day before, on, and after my step-daughter's birthday.  It was awful.  I called her to wish her happy birthday and I was a mess.  I was trying to make sure she had a special and happy birthday and instead it turned into something about me.  It is so hard to have something this powerful controlling you - to be out of control.  Of course you are angry.  This is scarey.  I have something that I read to myself regularly: "All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well." Juliian of Norwich.  I hope this helps you.

Sidney
Sidney

Luvinmike

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2009, 02:42:51 PM »
Thank you- I am clinging to my wits right now. It is the anniversary weekend- 17th. My inlaws are geared up, one brother from out of state might stay at my house. Everyone is great. We don't have any real isues getting along. i actually had one of my local brother in laws spend an hour with me as my therapist cancelled out on me. I am a mess. It is not fair. My head hurts from stress. But I will persevere. I am going to a very expensive restaurant tonite with my friends for one martini. It will help and we will laugh...
I learn most from just reading on the child loss board, and all the boards here on this site. I learned this phrase from the child loss board,"I just wish it was different." That really nails it. I am also trying to find the rest of the poem that contains the line,"I've drunk the dregs of sadness to the end..." It is an amazing poem I read years ago. I wish it was different, I really just do. Thanks to my husband Mike for all he taught me and shared with me. Good wishes to everyone- wish it was different for all of us... Terri

katrina

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2009, 06:57:48 PM »
Lovinmike,

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult this is for you.
The year of firsts is by no means an easy road.  You will look back and wonder how you made it through...but you will make it through.
I didn't lose my husband, but I did lose my  home and was displaced for a year(thanks to a devasting hurricane), then lost my mother six months later, and then lost my father nine months after losing her.

There is no way to compare losses and it wouldn't make any sense to do so.
Loss is loss, and is nonetheless devastating. 

I know that you are going through it and its only natural.
I know that when you hear, " it will get better", you probably want to scream.  I know I did because it seemed impossible at the time.  Nevertheless,  It really will get better.

I said once before that grieving is like peeling off layers of an onion.  The outer skin is the most painful.  It slowly comes off as you experience the pain of the loss, the lonliness, the regrets(whatever they may be) and the dashed hopes for the future without your loved one(s).
Deep inside of that onion skin is the healthier part of you; the core.  And believe it or not... you still do have a future and it doesn't have to be a miserable one.

Before you think to yourself that I just don't understand, let me assure you that I do.  While our losses may not be the same... my entire world shook with one loss after another and it was extremely difficult for me to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Two years ago, I couldn't imagine saying to you what I am saying right now.  I am approaching 5 years since I was displaced by the hurricane, 3 years since I lost my mother, and 2 years since I lost my father.

As I neared the 2nd anniversary of my dad's death, I was overwhelmed with the reality that I could feel thankful.  We were approaching Thanksgiving(he died at the end of November) and I remember telling the Lord  that I was thankful for the sheer ability TO BE THANKFUL!  That was really really huge for me.

Another biggie was desiring to get out into my garden! I heard you express that desire in your post and it excited me.  That's huge!  Go with it.  For so long I didn't care what happenned in my garden.  When I began to desire reviving my garden I knew that MY season was changing.

Whether you feel like it or not... you really are well on your way to a healthier tomorrow.  You'll wake up one day and wonder how you made so much progress and it will make you all the more thankful because only YOU will know just how far you've come.

Luvinmike

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Re: I am being mean
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2009, 04:42:17 PM »
THANK YOU!!!