Author Topic: Can't stop crying  (Read 7823 times)

Sad Always

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Can't stop crying
« on: May 01, 2009, 08:32:56 AM »
Hello,
  I am new to your site and hope it will be helpful. Having read several posts I see so many who are feeling the same way as I do. I lost my oldest brother 18 months ago. He was only 58 but never married, lived alone and had some serious health issues. He had had a small stroke in 2004 and due to that he was left with some weakness on his right side. Then that next year, he developed Bells Palsy which he told me was worse than the stroke. He stopped driving for fear his reaction time was to slow. I and my husband would take him to doctor appointments and to do shopping. When I couldn't get in to help, I would call him on the phone and we'd talk for hours just to keep him company. His life was so lonely and the two days before he passed, I and my husband and my only other living brother had to break into the house to find my oldest brother in a coma. He had had another stroke with a bleed in his brain the size of a soft ball. We stayed with my brother for 2 days until on the morning of Sept. 8th he peacefully passed on. I still can't get that image out of my mind. I miss him and the talks we shared. We could talk about anything and to have him gone hit me like a ton of bricks. At the funeral home before we left for the cemetery and before the casket was to be closed, I said my goodbyes and I couldn't handle it. I layed my head on my brother's chest and sobbed. Ok, call me a total nut case but I couldn't help it. Lossing my parents was hard enough but to now have lost my brother with all the fun memories of our childhood etc. it made me see how short life truly is for me.
     How do you stop grieving? I don't have my parents losing my dad suddenly in Sept. of 1987 and then my mom in Oct. 2001. The month before, I lost my aunt, my dad's sister so I truly HATE the month of September for I've lost so many family members in that month and even my dog.
      Thank you for any advice. I've developed anxiety over all the losses and sometimes get palpitations. My life is over in my book. I find no joy in anything and feel that my brother even though I miss him, is better off then when he was alive. Those that have gone on don't have all the worries of this life, they're the lucky ones. My heart felt sympathies go out to everyone on this board who is experiencing the holes in their hearts from lossing those they loved. Will we every feel good again? God bless you all.

Sad Eyes

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2009, 10:26:48 AM »
Hello Sadalways,

First of all I just want to let you know how sorry I am that you have lost your brother, both parents and your aunt.  I have lost both parents, my brother and my sister.  What I have experienced is that with each new loss it brings back the pain and sorow of the previous losses.  You asked, how do you stop greiving.  I personally don't think that one ever stops grieving, it just comes and goes with different stages.  I sometimes feel great sorrow and a pain that is like being homesick and other times I can look back and just remember the good times.  I had a very difficult time with my brother's murder (still do at times) and I too felt like my life was over and that nothing was worth living for.  What I was feeling was survivors guilt.  Why was I the only one left living out of my original family?  My brother and sister each had children they left behind.  I had a real hard time with those issues.  Going to therapy helped me to be able to look at things in a better light.  I know my family wouldn't want me to wallow in their loss, and I am sure your family would feel the same way.  My friends often hear me say in reference to my brother's murder that "I am the one who got the life sentence because I am the one left behind to deal with everything".  If you have not tried counseling I would highly recomend it.  For me I was far better than any pill that my doctor prescribed.  I hope that you found something in my ramblings that gave you a bit of comfort even if it's just knowing that you are not alone in your struggle with your grief.  Take care and please let me know how you are feeling.

Sad Eyes

browneyedgirl

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2009, 03:34:02 PM »
Sadalways ~ I am so sorry that you lost all these important people in your life.  I, too, lost my older brother.  Not a day goes by that I do not cry.  It is so hard.  I have found by reading other people's stories, it helps.  It helps to know that the way I am feeling is not crazy, it's normal.
I hope that you find some peace soon.
One thing that is important to remember, I think, and I try to relay this to my mother, is that even though they gone, there are OTHERS that are still here for you. 

Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Sad Always

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2009, 07:44:18 PM »
For Sad Eyes & browneyedgirl.
   Thank you both for sharing your losses as my heart goes out to you two. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and to reply. I am like you both too trying to find the end of grieving but so far, nothing has worked. I have moments when I feel I am losing my mind and no one cares or understands. I have only one sibling left, another brother but we have never been close. He is very hard hearted and has told me to get a grip. All I can say is, he's the one who needs to get a grip if he feels nothing. He won't speak to me anymore so I am dealing with the loss of my relationship with my only living sibling. My husband tells me to not be concerned about him, for how can I miss what I never had? When I think about it, he's right but I feel I need some family I can turn to.
    I will be going for some counseling in two weeks. I suffer with anxiety which sometimes is more than I can deal with. I do take some medication for it but then I get sleepy and my husband complains when he finds me asleep in my chair. That too doesn't help as one would think you'd at least have some understanding from your spouse. I give up. I so hope that someday soon we can all look back over our lives and not feel so sad. Good luck to you both and thank you so much  :)

Sad Eyes

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2009, 03:29:42 PM »
Dear Sad Always,

I think it's normal to feel as though you might lose your mind and that no one really cares or understands after having lost so many close family members.  That is why this board is so wonderful.  People here know what you are feeling and may be able to help you through your grief.  I have found more comfort from complete strangers than I have my extended family.  No one should ever be told to "get a grip" on their grief or be told they should "get over it". There are no time limits or proper way to grieve, you do it at your own pace.  I'm glad to hear you are going to counseling, it gave me the skills to cope with my grief.  It doesn't take it away, but it will make it eaiser to deal with the additional stresses. It's a shame that your remaining brother doesn't see the "value"  in what is left of your family.  Sometimes people don't know what they have got until it's gone.  Best wishes to you and let me know how you are doing.

Sad Eyes

Sad Always

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2009, 03:58:20 PM »
Sad Eyes:
   Thank you for that kind reply. Yes, it's so true that sometimes people don't realize how important family is til someone is gone. I'm afraid that with my only living brother though, he won't miss me if I were to die too. His main concern in life is making money. I tried talking to him almost a year ago and told him, "you've never been a brother to me so, how can I miss what I never had?" His other problem is that he doesn't think woman have the right to any opinion and are to keep quiet. Sorry Bro, but I am NOT that type of woman that you can bully like your wife. It wasn't until just before my oldest brother died that I finally realize why my sister-in-law has always been so quiet, she's afraid to say anything. What a pity but then I have to blame good ole dad for that attitude.
    I hope that all those here who are facing the feelings of loss will soon be able to get on with living. I am making small strides and I know that in time I won't feel so bad. My wish too is that I hope my brother and parents are happy where they're at. If they are free from pain is my hope as well. Someday I'll know. Hang in there one and all  :)

Luvinmike

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2009, 09:01:16 PM »
Dear sad Always;
     I am very sorry for the loss of your special brother and your previous losses. I appreciated your most recent post, it was so inspirational- thank you. I think we carry on and do the best we can, period. My heart goes out to you in this sad time, sending you peace and rest for this lonely journey. I hope you stay in touch here on the site, Sad Eyes and Brown eyed girl too... we can all learn from each other. Take care, Terri ( I lost my husband and a few members of my family- but not a sibling). I feel okay replying on this board as my husband left five siblings and we run a business- I feel for his sibs, they are so missing Mike- he made us all laugh til we were crying and he was so very kind. In honor of my husband kind thoughts go out to everyone on the boards who is lonely tonite. Thinking of you. Terri

Sad Always

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2009, 08:37:18 AM »
For Lovinmike:
  You're so welcome and thank you for your kind words. Life is hard enough and then when life adds the death of a loved one to the pile, it sometimes is overwhelming. I still think of my brother and parents everyday. I don't think one gets over those losses. Maybe one is able to handle it better but there's still that void that can never be filled.
   I am sorry for your loss, and can't imagine what you must be feeling. I almost lost my husband 6 months ago to a car accident and we are still battling his recovery. At least he is still with me but he becomes frustrated over his losses of losing his job, not being able to do the things he once did. What can you do? Sometimes I feel dying is the only thing for me so I can find peace. Sorry, I know how grim that sounds but since I have no one to lean on nor call on for support, I am alone taking care of everything. I keep hoping that as time passes things will get easier.....that's all I can do. Thanks again and may we all find some peace.
   

Sad Eyes

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2009, 11:13:30 AM »
Dear Sad Always,

Sorry to hear about your husbands auto accident, when it rains it pours.  No wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed. You have had way too much to deal with!!!  Let me share one of my "life" experiences with you and maybe you can borrow one of my coping skills. Six months after my Mom lost her battle with cancer my brother was murdered.  I was already stressed after having lost my Mom, because that brought back memories of my sister's battle with cancer and her death a few years earlier.  I mourned deeply for each of them, but yet I was able to find a source of comfort in knowing that they were in a better place and they were no longer in pain.  With my brother's murder all I could feel and see was the ugliness and horror of it. After struggling over and over with my grief, I finally went into my "worst case" mode.  What would have happened if my brother would have been wounded to the point he was just a vegetable, he had no legal papers in place, he could have lingered on life support for years and years. I know my brother wouldn't have wanted that to be the way he had to live.  I know this may be strange but that is how I cope with my brother's murder.  He didn't have to linger and suffer too.  I hope I have not offended anyone with this post but that "worst case" mode has worked for me in many areas of my life which is why I decided to share it.  I hope by sharing my struggle that it might help someone else too.

Dear Luvinmike,

You are always very compasionate wherever you post on this site.  Your husband sounds like a very very special person, but then so are you.  You bring comfort to many of us who post here.  I don't understand why these special people are taken from us so early in life.  Life isn't alway fair!!!!!!

Sad Always, Luvinmike and everyone elso too, hang in there our loved ones are watching over us.  They do want us to find peace and happiness again.

Luvinmike

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2009, 06:11:17 PM »
Thank you so much Sad Eyes. I agree with your post of how it does pile on and overwhelm, but carry on we must and sometimes there are some really bright spots- a good hearty laugh, a beautiful sky, a bit of good news for someone you love, a bird- anything you can grasp at for some beauty in these dark and lonely times.
Sad Always- Don't forget to put yourself first sometimes- as cliche' and awful as I hated hearing that while caring for my son for 16 years, it was good advice. Wish i learned it sooner I would have more energy now i bet. Caregiving depletes you- please read up on this topic and get any help you can.
Also, you cannot truly be in control of anything but your own behavior, maybe encourage your husband with seeking out his new abilities; but, this sounds like he needs to begin to adapt to this very challenging experience. I wish you the best in getting some respite and rest.
browneyedgirl hope you are well.
Peace and comfort for at least a short while for everyone. I hope for that. Terri

doria

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2009, 11:09:59 AM »
HI I'M NEW AT THIS I JUST LOST MY MOM ON MAY 12 09 I'M NOT THE SAME WITHOUT HER I MISS HER SO MUCH SHE WAS 80 YEARS OLD SHE LOOK GOOD FOR HER AGE MY MOM WAS GOING TO TURN 81 ON MAY 25 09 BUT GOD TOOK HER FROM ME I'M SO ALONE I CAN EVEN WORK ANYMORE ALL I DO IS CRY FOR MY MOM SHE WAS A VERY SPECIAL LADY SHE WAS A HAPPY AND FUNNY LADY SHE LOVED HERE 4 DAUGHTERS AND TWO SONS AND 8 GRANDKIDS SHE LOVED TO COOK FOR ALL OF US WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH OUT MY MOM IT FEEL LIKE SOMEONE TOOK A PART OF ME I'M SO ALONE  AND SAD MY DAD IS STILL HERE WITH ME BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME WITHOUT MY LOVING MOM I MISS HER SO MUCH I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART I CANT STOP CRYING VERY DAY FOR MY MOM MY SISTER AND BROTHERS ARE WORRIED ABOUT ME BUT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE I'M NOT  THE SAME HAPPY PERSON ANYMORE  I DON'T WANT THIS HURT ANYMORE I KEEP THINKING THIS IS A BAD DREAM AND ILL WAKE UP FROM IT I GO SEE MY MOM VERY DAY AND i WISH SHE WAS HERE WITH ME MOM PLEASE COME BACK I LOVE YOU  MOM  :'(
« Last Edit: May 29, 2009, 12:05:35 PM by doria »

Luvinmike

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Re: Can't stop crying
« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2009, 04:14:17 AM »
Dear Doria, sending you strength and comfort through this very hard time. Your Mom does sound really special. Please talk with your caring family, tell them your fears about crying. It helps to talk with caring loved ones, and exercise can help with grief, even a short walk. So very sorry about your loss. Read and post freely here and on the other boards. The Main board has a number of kind people who have lost a parent- or both. So sorry for your pain. Terri