Author Topic: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years  (Read 3301 times)

VickiC

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New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« on: April 29, 2009, 11:20:35 AM »
Hello everyone,
I just thought I really need to talk about how I am feeling 6 years after Craig's death....
      I used to be such a loner, a homebody, a "keep-to-myself" kind of person but I really valued myself as a mom...I have now become such an extreme isolationist, keeping all the problems and my burdens to myself.  Raising my three boys took all my attention and I lived solely for them and kind of lost myself along the way...When Craig died I lost my entire identity...It is still taking time rediscovering who I am and my purpose in life, even after 6 years have gone by.
     I think if I would have pulled in more caring people, opened up my heart, and reached out more, my grief work and coping with this "new life" would have been easier.  The only total support, comfort and understanding I have recieved along the way have been from my oldest son, my youngest sister (who lives far away), and from my very special online friends here...Now, I have so many "trust" issues, (even with the way my husband drives), and new fears and worries for my remaining sons.  Bill and I are still trying to find that undeniable, devoted love that we set aside when we both lived in our own "grief worlds"...We kind of lost each other along the way...But, we haven't given up on each other....
     The "domino affect" of losing Craig and everything else that happened came into play.  By 2005, we lost our house, Bill lost his long-standing job and his dignity, we lost our way of life and the strength of our marriage weakened...There were too many new worries and new griefs that stood in our way...It was almost too hard to find my way out of that "dark pit" I fell into during those first years.  It was so hard to focus on, deal with and learn how to live with the grief I was experiencing...So many additional obstacles compounded my already immense grief.  It's weird, but now Bill and I feel like we are starting our lives all over again...The kids have left the house, we are getting used to a new life, a new job and our first, "fixer-upper" house that we own for the first time.  The difference is, we aren't young, straight from college (in our fifties), and we aren't looking for new adventures.  Life, as you all know, isn't the same and we don't look too far into the future....I want life to call me back, but it still hasn't....
     I think I look at life closer now...It has become magnified for me now...I have experienced the "harsh face" of death and I percieve life in clearer, more defined details.  I appreciate what I have left because I know what can become lost....
     I am very tearful this week...I am experiencing the "storm before the calm".  I wish I could hide out in a very dark, protective place during the months of April and May...Just avoid them altogether....This week I just wish our lives were back to normal with everyone in it!  Again, I asked Bill directly why he was so quiet about doing something on Craig's Angelversary...He said, "Because I want to remember Craig only in a happy way.  I know how sad you get the rest of the day."  I had to respect his feelings, even though I don't understand them sometimes.  I realize (something you learn in this grief process), that I can't dictate Bill's feelings or thoughts....They are his own....But, he said that he will go along with my plans for Sunday....It will just be the two of us and our memories of Craig.....
     There are so many lessons I am still learning....I am still learning how to live a fairly productive life without Craig in it....I am learning how to renew my hope after it has been shattered....I am learning how to bring people back into my life because I need them...I am renewing my relationship with Bill....I am learning how to be more grateful with what I have and honor the blessings and gifts of love and life that Craig gave me....I am learning how to "dance in the rain" when the storms of life pass over me....Life holds many more lessons for me and when I graduate, I will be with Craig again....That is my hope that keeps me alive....
     Thanks for letting me spill out my thoughts....You all are the best listeners and have the kindest most understanding hearts....thanks for being there for me....

Sending blessings and strength,
VickiC

rita-grammy

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2009, 02:23:59 PM »
vicki...
I am still new in this horrific journey ...9 months and reading your post I see myself and my husband...we all are not so different in our grief..I have isolated myself and my husband and I have just become people who share happy memories but, no longer live in them...I am so sorry for what you have been through ...I know them to well...and know the pain...my youngest son told me mom you need to "dance in rain"..maybe someday..for now I am in the rain and I'm not dancing...I know you'll understand.

Rita
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2009, 03:38:26 PM »
I think your post mentioning about lessons learned resonated with me deeply. I feel that there has been many lessons learned & maybe what this awful journey is supposed to be about.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Kathy

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2009, 05:47:39 PM »
Dear Vicki,

I've read so many of your post over the five years that I have been here. You have often been in my thoughts and prayers. I am also trying to learn to live a new life without my son. I have also accepted the fact that my husband and I grieve differently. I will be holding you and your family close to my heart in the days ahead (especially on Sunday).

Love,
Kathy-Don's Mom

tsoley

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2009, 06:19:21 PM »
You have been through a great deal over the past 6 years and I am so very sorry. It sounds like you are opening up....your heart has mended a little? The memories, the yearning...they will always stay with us. Your Craig loves you and is guiding you back to life. Take his hand as he leads you sweetie....and then reach out for us here on this board.
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

Jeanneb

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2009, 06:59:42 PM »
Vicki

I read your reply on the other post and now reading all your words... it just touches my heart so much.

This journey certainly has been about lessons and so many still to come.  One thing that I try really hard to hold to is the blessing of how lucky I am.... I got to be Philip's mom!!!  How much I wish he was still here but how grateful I am that at least I had him for 17 years.  How blessed I was to have that time.

My daughter has 3 kids... the oldest girl 2.5 and the twins (boy & girl)  are 17 months.  Then my oldest son had a little boy who is 18 months... he was named Jackson Philip and so much reminds me of Philip with his little personality.   

I will be sending up that blue balloon on Sunday along with a few others and will enjoy my cookie dough and think of you and Craig.

Glad you talked with hubby and you just do what you need to do for Vicki... everything else will be ok.  Sounds like life is calling you back... I know it has me but it still is deep breaths and baby steps.  I figure this is just the way things are going to be... how could they not... we love them and our boys love us.  As the song says... love hurts.

Big hug,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

Debh

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2009, 08:46:39 PM »
HI Vicki,

Sorry to read you have been through many rough times these past years. Reading your post at times I felt I was walking in your shoes with you. Life I do believe calls us back, but only when we are ready to come back. Long hard journey to get through grief and other challenges that come our way.

I am by your side Vicki with the month of May, this Mothers Day will be 13 years since I hugged my two Chads. Been having lots of tears this week and hold onto the smiles from the past.

Hubby and I go away for the day or weekend for the past few years, I find it is softer for us both, celebrate the boys life is what we do and try not to focus too much on their deaths, but we all know it can't be forgotten or shouldn't be.

The domino effect I also understand so well, at times a moment in time can take nearly every breathe of life you have left, yet we find the strength to move forward, lots of lessons learned for sure on this journey we are on. Graduating and being with our kids is a nice way of looking at future. Never read this before.

I am learning once again about loving unconditionally, acceptance and trust, I always thought there was one meaning for these words but  I see now this depends on the person . I feel fortunate for the family and friends that I have, and finding it easier to walk away from many things today, those that dont know how to accept is one. I knew when the boys died friends are not worth having if they can't accept the new me. This year reminds me when I lost the boys , people you think would get it don't, and then to hurt others which causes more harm than good. That I don't get but maybe I am not suppose to.

My illness keeps me home most of the week and the good days I prefer staying here also. The world is a mess now. Somedays I just spend looking at photos from the past, thinking how wonderful those days were, everything seemed so perfect then. Never thought I would be content staying at home, I feel content today, that isn't easy to say when I lost Chad but I do feel that now. Sounds like you may be there also, ready to do what you want to do for you.

At times I wonder if I am burnt out  on what life throws your way so many petty things people get unhappy and angry about, and so many huge things happening in the country today. I don't have patience or feel I need to today. Too much seeems so small since the death of my boys and so senseless. Its been a learned change for me this year in many ways, so far for the good. I hold on to all I have and all I love, as I learned with the boys you never know what tomorrow will bring. I am grateful for what I have and for the memories our boys left that will carry us through, my mom always said "life isn't meant to be easy," never in my wildest thoughts did I think it would be as hard as it has been for all of us parents that have lost a child.
 
Its nice that your getting back into life. I hope you find many friendships and dance in the rain,, I hope things slow down and life is easier  for you, I will be thinking of you and Craig.
Take care of you
Love Deb
« Last Edit: April 29, 2009, 09:36:27 PM by Debh »

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2009, 09:00:07 PM »
Vicki, it will be 5 years for us in June. I dont know what to say anymore, Ive been barely egtting through the days. I am happy for my precious kiddos and they are the only reason I continue to go on. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress and others it feels like I am just living in a giant nightmare. So many things that you have typed could have come from my fingers on the keyboard.
Just know I understand, we all understand and I will be thinking of you and your boy.
Sending strength and peace.

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2009, 06:18:09 AM »
Hi, Vicki,

I read every word you wrote and felt them all. It has been 3 years and 7 months since I lost my Tammie. I experienced the isolation and marriage difficulties.

Tammie was my only child it turned my worls upside down feeling so lost and alone. For me the month of May is very difficult because of Mothers Day.

I think we all just take deep breaths and try to get through each day. After all this time I still shake my head in disbelief and still ask WHY.

This board and the people here helped me through such dark days. I still struggle at times but have found friends I can count on now to always listen and be there for me.

I have realized my life is forever changed and I will struggle until my last day.

Hugs,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Rebecca

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Re: New thoughts about how I feel after 6 years
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2009, 04:38:28 PM »
Vicki - I am so glad that you reconnected with us. I would comment on your message and how so much is how I feel today but, I get up at 4:30 AM and it is now 6:30 PM and really, my ability to think clearly is not really here.  I did not want to miss saying that I enjoyed seeing you back and this weekend, when I am more together I will write more...Again, glad to see you here.
Rebecca Jason's Mom