Hello everyone,
I just thought I really need to talk about how I am feeling 6 years after Craig's death....
I used to be such a loner, a homebody, a "keep-to-myself" kind of person but I really valued myself as a mom...I have now become such an extreme isolationist, keeping all the problems and my burdens to myself. Raising my three boys took all my attention and I lived solely for them and kind of lost myself along the way...When Craig died I lost my entire identity...It is still taking time rediscovering who I am and my purpose in life, even after 6 years have gone by.
I think if I would have pulled in more caring people, opened up my heart, and reached out more, my grief work and coping with this "new life" would have been easier. The only total support, comfort and understanding I have recieved along the way have been from my oldest son, my youngest sister (who lives far away), and from my very special online friends here...Now, I have so many "trust" issues, (even with the way my husband drives), and new fears and worries for my remaining sons. Bill and I are still trying to find that undeniable, devoted love that we set aside when we both lived in our own "grief worlds"...We kind of lost each other along the way...But, we haven't given up on each other....
The "domino affect" of losing Craig and everything else that happened came into play. By 2005, we lost our house, Bill lost his long-standing job and his dignity, we lost our way of life and the strength of our marriage weakened...There were too many new worries and new griefs that stood in our way...It was almost too hard to find my way out of that "dark pit" I fell into during those first years. It was so hard to focus on, deal with and learn how to live with the grief I was experiencing...So many additional obstacles compounded my already immense grief. It's weird, but now Bill and I feel like we are starting our lives all over again...The kids have left the house, we are getting used to a new life, a new job and our first, "fixer-upper" house that we own for the first time. The difference is, we aren't young, straight from college (in our fifties), and we aren't looking for new adventures. Life, as you all know, isn't the same and we don't look too far into the future....I want life to call me back, but it still hasn't....
I think I look at life closer now...It has become magnified for me now...I have experienced the "harsh face" of death and I percieve life in clearer, more defined details. I appreciate what I have left because I know what can become lost....
I am very tearful this week...I am experiencing the "storm before the calm". I wish I could hide out in a very dark, protective place during the months of April and May...Just avoid them altogether....This week I just wish our lives were back to normal with everyone in it! Again, I asked Bill directly why he was so quiet about doing something on Craig's Angelversary...He said, "Because I want to remember Craig only in a happy way. I know how sad you get the rest of the day." I had to respect his feelings, even though I don't understand them sometimes. I realize (something you learn in this grief process), that I can't dictate Bill's feelings or thoughts....They are his own....But, he said that he will go along with my plans for Sunday....It will just be the two of us and our memories of Craig.....
There are so many lessons I am still learning....I am still learning how to live a fairly productive life without Craig in it....I am learning how to renew my hope after it has been shattered....I am learning how to bring people back into my life because I need them...I am renewing my relationship with Bill....I am learning how to be more grateful with what I have and honor the blessings and gifts of love and life that Craig gave me....I am learning how to "dance in the rain" when the storms of life pass over me....Life holds many more lessons for me and when I graduate, I will be with Craig again....That is my hope that keeps me alive....
Thanks for letting me spill out my thoughts....You all are the best listeners and have the kindest most understanding hearts....thanks for being there for me....
Sending blessings and strength,
VickiC