How can I help my mother get over my Brother's death?

[browneyedgirl]

Any advise on what I can do to help her?  She is seeing a therpist. 
What can I, or my other sibling do?

[tsoley]

I am a mom who has lost her son. I will try to give you some advice based on what I have been going thru...hug your mom, tell her you love her, talk about your brother everyday..no matter how small of an incident you remember. Never be afraid to just say his name. Don't get mad at her for being sad and please dont get made or frustrated when she has to know where you are every minute of every day. If the emergency siren goes off, call her right away and let her know you are okay. Celebrate his birthday with her, remember him on every holiday and do something special in his memory. I have found that the more me and my other two sons do in memory of their brother, the better I feel. I always make sure my other two boys know that I love them and ask them if they feel left out. It's always good to just call her and say hi, send a text (if she knows how to text!) and just stop by the house or office unannounced to bring her some cheer. You should do something for yourself as well, you know. You lost a piece of you, someone very special, so take care of you too.  You are being a good child to your mom, she is so blessed. Let me know how you make out with my tips.

[kevinjj]

Browneyed girl I am sorry your brother is gone from you. You clearly have strong love for your Mother and she does for you and Tsoley's advice is the best I have ever come across - it reminds us to stay in contact and keep the love strong with those we do love, be they family or friends. Thank you Tsoley.

[Luvinmike]

Bless you Tammy and your Jordan too! Sorry for your loss Browneyedgrl, always remember your Mom loves you so  much. Thinking of you. Terri

[pondering]

Sorry for the loss of your brother.
I know you and your mom really in pain. But Just tell her mom I always with you.
God bless you.

[lwuest]

Dear Browneyedgirl,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your brother.  You are also going through a very hard time that will be difficult for some people to understand.  Your brother and you shared many memories and secrets that no one else will ever understand.

you are a wonderful daughter to be so concerned about your Mom, especially since your heart is surely breaking too.  Just listen to your Mom and give her lots of hugs.  It's OK to let her know you hurt.  I lost my son too and it hurts like heck!  I am comforted when my daughter shares special memories she had of things she and her brother did when they were growing up.  Lots of times it was things I didn't even know about.  Just little stuff........like how they would pick the seeds off the sunflowers growing behind the garage.

Those things made me feel good.  I can only speak for myself but I think most Mom's just want to know that their children felt loved and cared for.  If you were to confirm those things, I think it would help your Mom.

Also, please realize, that the death of your brother will forever change your Mom.  I know for sure that you don't really mean the words "get over my Brother's death" because neither you or or Mom will ever get over it.  You will push through it, go around it, go under it ,get very ticked off at it, cuss at it and cry over it.

Your Mom is a lucky lady to have such a thoughful daughter.  It's also OK to let her know you feel sad.  Sometimes it helped me a lot just to let my daughter cry and I could hold her.

Please take care of yourself.  You have friends here.

[Sad Eyes]

I agree with much of the advice already given.  At this stage in your grief it's easy to just feel the pain.  For me healing began when I started to remember the fun times that I had with my family or some of the quirky things that they did.  I know that you will always feel sorrow over the loss of your brother, but try to let the good memories come back to you.   Talk about the things that your brother enjoyed or laugh over the little things in life that got on his nerves.  My guess is that your Mom will find a few things to reminise about too.

Take Care,

Sad Eyes

[browneyedgirl]

I wanted to thank you all for your responses, and I am very sorry that it took me so long to say so.

And, you are right, I did not mean to say "get over", I meant deal more easily with...

[Terry]

browneyedgirl,

I posted The Mourner's Bill of Rights and PLEASE on the Child Loss Board. Feel free to print them out as I know it will be helpful to your Mom (they were for me) and all around her trying to support her through this horrific time in her life, losing her child.

She's blessed to have you. You're both blessed. You always have a kind word for everyone and I see you always reaching out to others in pain, while carrying the burden of your own.

One thing I would suggest as you try to help support your Mom is to always talk about your brother. Say his name. Even if it's just in passing, as in walking by her. I had so many people tell me after my Jeff died, and after my asking them why they never mentioned him and expressing to them how badly it hurt me, they would always reply, "We didn't want to upset you." Well, too late for that, I'm already extremely upset!!! And, even more so because everyone stopped talking about him. That was a pain that was also....indescribable.

Another is remembering, especially the little things. Of course, the Birthdays and Holidays will be very difficult and just letting her know that it's OK to not want to do 'anything' if she doesn't want to, will help to ease her anxiety, a bit. These 'firsts' coming up are going to be very painful and she'll need 'someone on her side', so to speak, again, to let her know it's OK to feel anything she is feeling and that you have no expectations of her performing any past rituals, such as family gatherings and/or appearances she attended in the past.

It's going to take a very long time for her just to come to terms with the truth that her son is really gone. Love and Patience. A lot of Love and Patience. And, let her know, let her hear your pain, also. This is such a trying time for both of you and you will both stay in my thoughts and prayers.

You may want to suggest a support group where others truly understand her pain. When she's ready, let her know that 'we' are here for her, always. And, please send her my love.

You are really an awesome daughter.

My Love....Terry

[browneyedgirl]

Terry ~ what a beautiful post.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.  I am really sorry we both have to be here. 

((((Terry))))