Just try one minute at a time. When the time comes and if you can go to the service then you do... if not that is ok... you have to do what is best for you.
You might try writing down some of your feelings... maybe even write a letter to your brother telling him how you felt. While it isn't what you really want, it certainly can help. Journaling in general can really be a helpful tool and so can just coming here and posting... just some way to get it out.
Grief is a long hard journey and it takes a lot of work. One second, one minute, one day at a time... it is all you can do.
Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister