Now it has been a month, and I am still not feeling any better, in fact I feel worse. I miss my brother so much.
I am so angry
I am angry with my father, my other brother, and God.
Because of my brother's son, and my brothers personal belongings, my family is going though some hard times, emtionally.
This past weekend I went to his home to help with the final clean out, which a lot of other people had been there before me. His home had basically be raped of all things, especailly anything of value. Although I didn't know what it was I was looking for, but maybe a memory of my brother, I could not find anything. So, I took his shoes. And a couple of NASCAR pins he had. That's it. That is all I have left of Tony. Shoes.
Being the product of divorced parents, there has been some rather harsh discussion between both sides regarding my brothers things, ie big TV, new truck, travel trailer. Who should get what, and how much my nephew should be compensated, besides, really since Tony is dead, everything is my nephew's and both of his parents are dead.
My dad, basically walked out on us and was not much of a father. I find myself thinking over and over about this, and I am 31 years old. My parents have been divorced for 25+ years, and I am just now starting to feel the real pain of having an absent father. Never showed up at any of my sporting events or anything that was important to me. Yet, he entire adult life he was the athletic director at another high school in town, and is basically a legend at this school. And yet, he was never intrested in any of his own kids' activites. We recently went to a Hall of Fame induction cermony for him and there were people that had known him for 25+ years, and were saying "I had no idea you had a family, or children". That was like a kinife in my heart. My brothers death had brought out old feelings, as well as some that I didn't even know I had.
Why is this affecting me so much now? He does not seem to be interested in having a relationship with my nephew, his grandchild. I have confronted him over and over telling him, call him, spend time with him, and nothing. Am I begging him to spend time with my nephew because I missed that in my own life?
However, I was blessed with the most perfect step father, whom my nephew loves and admires very much. But still, I was missing the relationship with my real father, so am I trying to force a relationship on him with my nephew?
I love and miss my brother Tony and know that he would not want these things happening in my family, but it seems unavoidalbe