Author Topic: Loss of My Older Brother  (Read 8447 times)

browneyedgirl

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Loss of My Older Brother
« on: April 09, 2009, 01:25:47 PM »
My brother Tony died March 29, 2009.  He was battling a long line of demons.  The mother of his son (8 years old) died a year and a half ago.  My dad found him dead in his bed, we are not sure yet what the cause of death.

In Januray, we did have a family intervension and sent his son to live with my mother, as we did not feel it was a safe envirmonment for a child.  Looking back, we (my mother especailly) are feeling like we did not do enough for him, but I keep telling myself that you have to WANT to get sober, and he did not.  I feel so bad for him, dying all alone.  We did go though his cell phone and he had called no less than 10 facilites trying to get help, also, he went to the hospital twice the day before he died, and no one did anything for him.   

Although my pain is great and I thought would get better with time, it has not.  However, it was only been a week and a half.  The real person/people I am worried about are my mother and his son, my nephew. 

My mother's life has basically stopped.  She does not want to do anything she once enjoyed.  She does not want to color the eggs for Easter this weekend for the kids, etc.  She lives in a tiny town, does not work, and has a lot of time on her hands, to think and relive all of her regrets. My nephew seems to be doing ok, but they say that children grieve differently.

I feel like I am going on with my life as if nothing has happened.  But I do know that I need to go on with my life, but how do I relay that to my mother?

Tony was my big brother, I looked up to him, and I miss him dearly.

I love you, Tony.  I hope you are in peace now, and have no more pain. 

« Last Edit: April 13, 2009, 03:02:50 PM by browneyedgirl »
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Jeanneb

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2009, 03:14:50 PM »
I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother, Tony.

I lost one of my brothers 12 years ago and my youngest son 5 years ago.

You are just beginning this journey of grief.  The loss of your child is like no other loss... it is just not "natural" we expect to outlive our children.  Be gentle with you, your mom and your entire family.  I can't blame her for not wanting to do easter and all that entails... she is spinning right now just trying to understand that her son is gone.

Everything you say your mom is doing or not doing is perfectly normal... she lost her child, you lost your brother... it is hard to even comprehend that right now.

This is my take on my journey thus far... the first 6 months were nothing but shock and thank God for that shock it is the only way I got through it.  Then reality started to come and by the time I entered the 2nd year it was smacking me in the face... he wasn't coming back.

As I said my son has been gone over 5 years now and I just now feel life is calling me back where I want to do some of those things I use to do.  There was me before my son died and now this new me is still trying to find her way.  What was my "normal" is not nor will it ever be the same again.  I had to find a new "normal" and still search at times.

We all grieve differently... be gentle with yourself... it is a road like no other.

Deep breaths and baby steps,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

Luvinmike

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2009, 03:51:56 AM »
Dear Browneyedgirl;
Heartfelt prayers go out to you and your Mom for your endurance and courage in facing this grief. It is only a week and a half- slowly things will make more sense I hope for your Mom and you , especially in caring for this precious nephew. So very sorry about Tony, it is so sad to lose a big brother. Have you thought of writing in a journal? Writing my husband's life story in the early days was a distraction for me and also lots of walking. Please take very good care of yourself as grief depletes your body. Try to encourage your Mom to be healthy during her time of heartbreak as best you can, you will always miss him- but hopefully time will help ease the overwhelming feelings into more peacefulness. Don't be afraid to get help and grief support through counseling and groups- it may help you help your Mom. We are here for you. Terri

browneyedgirl

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2009, 03:09:22 PM »
Thank you both for the replies.  It helps to know that the way I am feeling is not crazy.  I don't know why I expected to be "ok" in a couple of weeks.  I will never be ok, but what I can do is focus on the future and spend as much time with my family as I can.

I still continue to worry about my mother, though. 

She has taken some steps to get on the right track, but she seems like a shell of what she was.  I have to keep telling her that I, my other brother, my nephew, my step dad and others are still here and we have to go on, and that is what Tony would have wanted.

Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

laurenE

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2009, 03:58:11 PM »
browneyedgirl,

Its still so early in your mothers grief as well as you own.  It will more than likely take her yrs to get through the early part of grief so please be patient with her and excuse her behaviors, and know that she still loves you all very much.   You might want to ask her what you can do to help her.  Oftentimes helping with the everyday chores, errands etc can be a huge help as she tries to put one foot in front of the other to move fwd.   

You may want to ask people on the Childloss board here what they wished their other children did to help them  through thier greif when they lost a child. 

Im sorry about your brother. 

lauren


BigSis

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2009, 03:58:05 PM »
Browneyed girl,

It will take a really long time to get over the loss. The feeling of being totally cheated is completely normal.  It has been 4 months and I still tear up and break down sobbing away. Your siblings are your best friends and they never go away from your life.We take them for granted and think that we will all grow old together. It is so unfair but somethings are meant to be the way they turn out.

My heart goes out to you and yr mom and the little boy who will never get to know his dad.

Sending love and light.

BigSis

browneyedgirl

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2009, 04:39:34 PM »
Thank you for all the replies. 

My mother told me that she doesn't know how she is going to continue on with her life.  This makes me feel bad, because there are so many others that are still her.......including Tony's young son.  Is that selfish?

She told me that my nephew had put my brother's hats on his bed posts and my mother took them down because it was upsetting her.  This morning he wanted to know where there were, she told him she had taken them down because it was upsetting her.  He told her that she needed to tough it out, because he was not going to let them be put away.
Also, he is starting to lash out, i.e. throwing things at her.
 
It's these things that worry me.........it makes me think that he will be angry at her.  I told her that although it was insenstive of him, he is 8 years old.  his brain does not work like ours.  My other brother told her to let him have them out, as it will only cause him to be angry at her, like we/she are repressing Tony's memory.

I still feel so sad for the loss of my brother, and although it makes me cry everytime I come here and read others stories as well as my own, it helps me.

Thank you for this site and the message boards.   
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

browneyedgirl

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2012, 04:31:14 PM »
Do you ever go back and read your first posts?  This is mine.  It's amazing how looking back I thought I should have been okay in one weeks time.....also a reminder of how far I have come...

lots of love to all.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2012, 01:29:35 PM »


For so many, this board has become their online journal. I spoke to a Mom recently who, every now and then reflects back to the beginning; where she was then and where she is now. Though some do journal at home, the sharing of our feelings with one another is quite different on this board.

I suggested to this mom and will suggest to everyone to save your posts by either printing them out or saving in word doc. They become a part of our soul and the footprints to guide us even further.

How true, Pam that we expect so much more from ourselves than we are capable of, early in grief. I think that 'being hard on ourselves' comes naturally, especially if we were the ones that took charge or have been the peacemaker or the one everyone depended on.

Heartbreaking post. Knowing Tony reached out so many times....

Thanks for sharing this, Pam. I imagine it brought out a lot of feeling in you.

(((((Pammy)))))

Love,
Terry

Doug1222

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2012, 03:45:29 PM »
I suggested to this mom and will suggest to everyone to save your posts by either printing them out or saving in word doc. They become a part of our soul and the footprints to guide us even further.

Terry, I'm saving all of mine from the thread about my brother and my dad. I'm saving them in a word doc and printing them to save in a binder.

I am horrible at journaling but pretty good at posting on message boards.

browneyedgirl

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2012, 04:22:23 PM »





Thanks for sharing this, Pam. I imagine it brought out a lot of feeling in you.

(((((Pammy)))))

Love,
Terry


Yes, It did....I have been struggling for sometime now....I hope it will be better soon.  Thank you.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Doug1222

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2012, 05:10:28 PM »
I hope looking at how far you've come helped some, browneyedgirl. It was interesting to me to look back at where you started. I'm sorry you lost Tony.

(((((((((((browneyedgirl))))))))))))))

Doug


« Last Edit: February 02, 2012, 09:45:59 AM by browneyedgirl »

Terry

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2012, 05:16:14 PM »


I am horrible at journaling but pretty good at posting on message boards.

:) Whatever works, Doug!!!

browneyedgirl

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Re: Loss of My Older Brother
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2012, 09:46:08 AM »
I hope looking at how far you've come helped some, browneyedgirl. It was interesting to me to look back at where you started. I'm sorry you lost Tony.

(((((((((((browneyedgirl))))))))))))))

Doug




Thank you, Doug.   I miss him very much.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven