Author Topic: Firegrief  (Read 3609 times)

helene

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Firegrief
« on: January 23, 2012, 08:16:31 AM »
The ancient past,
Once so alive and pulsating that,
No other future seemed possible,
Is now a regular haunting,
While someone who used to be me,
Once so young in spirit,
Stumbles haphazardly into a grand old age.
Hating, and, with seething loathing,
Points a crooked finger right at them,
Pointedly and with the depth of despair,
That she now has.

She screams amidst this final consuming fire!
Even as they may try to stamp it out.

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

Terry

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2012, 02:00:36 PM »

((((((Helene)))))

Time, humm....

helene

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2012, 01:54:13 PM »
Thanks Terry! I really appreciate your support. I feel tired and fed up with anger these days. My husband is thinking of taking another one of his 'extended' vacations, it, being easy for him since, unlike me, he doesn't work under anyone or any office like I do so he can just take off whenever he feels like it especially when he has countles relatives' homes to stay at where he goes. One time he stayed away from me from early January to late April and I never asked him whether or not a) when he planned to return and b) if he planned ever  to return. And my husband was only too happy to keep me wondering for he NEVER gave me an answer to any thing I asked!!

My Dad left me countless times during my life until he died. So did my sister Lesley. Then, Barry, my husband,  did it to me but returned alive (unlike my Dad who died) but I was no longer alive. I said to Barry that, if he does it again this time, I will be the one who will not be there upon his return - not him. He can 'return' to a hell--n-a-shell for all I care.

I don't know how to describe these unrealistic and unreasonable yet overpowering feelings I am having at the prospect of my husband leaving me for even two weeks but most likely for much longer a time. (I'd rather get divorced and already I'm pulling severely away because I My husband made a big mistake when he left me for an entire winter shortly before Lelsey died and not long after my Dad died. I feel a terrible anger at my husband and - a coldness. I don't want him near me. I don't want to be touched by him.  I want to curl up into a tight ball under the covers or smoke endless cigarettes by myself alone outside in the cold and snow.

Helene


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2012, 04:48:17 PM »
((((((((((helene))))))))))))

Wow.....wow.....I am so sorry.

Resentment is a hard feeling to get over...although you did not actully use that word, I feel it fits - please accept my apology if I am wrong.  I have two people in my life that I am full of resentment for....I mentioned to you  in another post how angry, bitter and cold I became, but I can't get passed it.  I try and try and try, but it still rears it's head....I guess what I am getting at, is how long can you hang on, till you say eff it?  You have shared that you are unhappy many times before...what can we do to try and change that?   I am worried about you, my friend.....
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2012, 10:26:59 PM »
((((((((((((((((helene)))))))))))))))

You told me in a post once you think you would "immediatey dissintegrate" if you lost your husband. These feelings you are having sound very familiar to me. They sound like the things I use to do to keep from getting hurt. For me doing these things did not keep me from getting hurt ,but just made it easier for me to hurt myself. There are many things that were happening in my marrage that I have not shared, things I said and things I did that I can now never make up to her, I always though there would be more time to try and fix what I had broken. I think what I am trying to say is talk to him, if you feel you can't write it down for him. I was never very good at taking hints, to be honest if she did not tell me exactly what she wanted or expected I usually got it wrong. I don't know if this will get you what you want or need from him. But I am hoping it will help you understand some of what you are feeling and maybe he will understand more.

((((((((((((((pam)))))))))))))

You can hold on to resentment for a very long time if you choose to. My father left us for the first time when I was about 5. I held on to the pain and anger for 32+ years. I still talk to him and I have tryed to let it go, but every time I think I can let it go, he helps me hold on to it more. The day I lost my wife, my father instead of just hugging me and telling me he was sorry for my loss, he handed me a check and said this should help hold you over until you can go back to work. Sence then I have learned that the reationship I have with him is as good is it is going to get. This is who he is and no matter how much I would like him to be different he never will be. I think some times the resentment we have for others can last untill you feel they can no longer hurt you or you accept the  fact that they will never be who you want them to be. I hope in some way this helps.

Jason
« Last Edit: January 26, 2012, 11:03:39 PM by jasonkl »

browneyedgirl

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2012, 09:24:31 AM »

I think some times the resentment we have for others can last untill you feel they can no longer hurt you or you accept the  fact that they will never be who you want them to be. I hope in some way this helps.

Jason

This is so very true.....I have been told that by my good friend.....thanks, Jason.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

helene

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2012, 02:44:44 PM »
Dear Terry, Jason, Pam,

Thank you. I had to tell you all what my husband did to me that winter. I love him so very much, but, there is THAT. Being left alone for months on end and not knowing what his 'intentions' were. I know he just wanted an escape but not necessarily a permanent one from me and the rest of his life. Sure. That's understandable. But what about the 'escapes' I want? NEED? EXPECT? Jason: you say talk to him. I have tried. Will try again.  But: would rather have our 20 year relationship OVER. He can 'marry' his relatives instead. I know: not very nice stuff from me.

I will not be abandoned ever again. I will not ever let it happen. I will end it first. Yes I will! Not physical death per say, but rather, for me, an emotional one.

Love,

Helene


Helene & Lesley

Doug1222

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2012, 05:24:02 PM »
I will not be abandoned ever again. I will not ever let it happen. I will end it first. Yes I will! Not physical death per say, but rather, for me, an emotional one.

Helene,

I'm also a member at a mid-life crisis board (which is how this grief work started, actually). I think you should check them out. It's a very welcoming community, and I think you'd find it extremely helpful to get to know them. A lot of women (and men) there are dealing with very similar situations to yours. They're a super group that helped me a bunch while I tracked down what was wrong with me. As soon as I read your post up above, I meant to tell you about it.

I won't link it here, but it's called the Midlife Club Forum. You could probably get some good support and advice there dealing with the marriage part.

I'm also so sorry you're dealing with this on top of your grief.
(((((((Helene))))))))))

That's about all I can for that. I hope things get better for you.
Doug

Terry

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2012, 03:02:16 AM »

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Helene. I can understand your being angry. I'm angry that my Dad died and I have to live without him. I haven't felt this angry in a very long time and I know it's not healthy so I'm trying hard to understand where it's coming from and allow it for as long as I need to feel it.

I'm sorry you're feeling abandoned. And, I 'do' understand why, as you've shared of the pain from losing Lesley and being given a time-frame to grieve for her. We all need family support but sadly, we all don't receive it. I also know that none of us are a substitute for what you need but we care for you and will always be here for you.

I love hearing about Lesley and I hope you continue to focus on that awesome love you have for her, as is so obvious in your poetry.

((((((Helene))))))

Love you,
Terry

jasonkl

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2012, 05:45:32 AM »
((((((((((((((((((Helene)))))))))))))))))))

I do wish I knew the right words to tell you that would make him understand or that would help you feel less abanboned. But there is no magic phrase, that takes all these painful feelings away. I think like me you write how you feel in the moment, good or bad. Like Terry said we will always be here for you.


Jason

helene

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Re: Firegrief
« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2012, 09:56:45 AM »
Hi Jason, Terry and Doug,

Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and suggestions. Doug, I will have a look at the forum you suggested. I am certainly in mid-lfe at this point! But I won't leave Webhealing. This place continues to be a life-line to me. I have few friends whom I can really relate to right in town where I live. I have two pen-pals that are super, but who live far away. I know that these forums brings us together when we may be geographically so far a part and we are blessed to have them for us. My husband has stopped talking about going away but he'll probably suddenly let know know one day that he's leaving in a few days. I realize that much of this has nothing to do with my husband. It has to do with childhood problems with abandonment so that now when anyone leaves me, whether through travel or death, I feel terribly abandoned. It's difficult to control emotions that run so deep.

Once again, thank you for your understanding and support.

Love, Helene.


Helene & Lesley