Still alive, but that's all!

[Pete (UK)]

Hi everyone:

It's been months since I've been on the site, but I often think of you all. I've been doing okay really. I had a very bad patch just before Christmas and I really thought that was it! My kids rescued me and made me see that I had given up caring. I'd stopped eating, lost a huge amount of weight and got ill. They pulled me back from the edge and I've been trying to be positive ever since. It's so difficult, but I am determined to keep going.

This week my son and daughter came over and helped me clear the garage of junk, and those memories came flooding back. I suddenly realised I'd been doing what I'd seen others doing ... cruising along with a mask on. The mask seems to fit, but the new me who's wearing it belies the expression it shows; I hide my sadness because it makes other feel awkward I think. I rapped someone on this site over the knuckles for doing just what I'm doing, and if I could remember who it was I'd apologise.

Basically, I'm alive, in neutral without an aim. Alive but dead inside! And life is shit!

I hope things have been okay for anyone who remembers me, I'll keep on trying, but sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, others seem to cope eventually?

Love to all,
Pete UK

[Luvinmike]

Hi Pete!
     I do not think there is anything wrong with you and everyone else is crawling along also.
Joy and pain have to balance out a little bit. This grief makes you come crashing down if you actually have some good laughs or times with friends, or family.
The joy with the kids is the best, it is a challenge and a half though.
How is your business? How is your weight and health now? Better I hope. Are you going to start training for your bike race? Or is it too much. I have a hard time sticking with exercise lately. I just sit and stare out the window and never actually take that darn walk. BUT_ I am back out again as Spring has come to my area. I cried and cried for Mike and now I am getting motivated by the extra daylight. I am planning a garden. So I have a job at least and I am planting a garden. Keep crawling Pete. We all care so much about you... Terri

[laurenE]

Hi Pete,

Of course I remember you. Good to see you back.   I forget how longs it been for you though?  For your loss, that is.

I too was pretty down in the depths of hell for the first 2 yrs.  I remember that 2 yr anniversary praying I wouldnt do anything stupid, sitting on the gravesight of my mom and dad.  I had no strength to stop myself.  I truly believe God did though.  and here I am 4 1/2 yrs later doing better than ever.

Get through to the 2nd year and suddenly things will probably perk up for you. Getting to that point is basically putting one foot in front of the other and just being with others.   There may be little interaction in a room full of people, but at least you arent alone.  Alone is the worst thing.

Sending you healing hugs from the US to the UK.   Its always good to know how you are doing.  Thanks for checking in. I hope you keep doing so.

lauren

[sevenofwands]

Hello Pete:

Yes, indeed, I remember you.  Sorry to hear things are still difficult for you, but I think that is part of the process.  It is a long, difficult haul.   There is nothing wrong with you, and as other posters have said, it takes quite a while to come to terms with the trauma in your life.  You are in fact coping, to the best of ability, at the moment.  I understand what you mean about wanting to hide your sadness, in case it makes others feel awkward, but you know, people can be more understanding than you think. 

All the best
Seven

[kevinjj]

Hi Pete  -sure I remember you and its good to see you again. Grief is alot of work that's for sure. You are probably where you are supposed to be in recovery. I guess I am, it's been over a year now and so much has changed in my life, some of it good, some not so good and some in  between I guess. Keep posting. I dont post as much as I used to but I still come around some.

[georgiapeaches]

Hi Pete,
Glad to see your back. Sorry for all you've been through. Its coming up on a year for me and I hope things dont come crashing in. I need to be there for my kids. People believe that I am so strong but really dont see how I am when I am alone, then the mask really comes off, so I know what you mean. Sending you big (((((hugs))))) hope you can come back and share some more with us, dont be a stranger.

Georgia.

[anita]

Hello Pete,

I am sorry to hear of your pain, it's almost a year since I lost my Father, sometimes I feel I'm ok and other times, it feels as though I can't breathe. Pete, it's the baby steps that lead up to steps when we can stand a bit taller, breathe a little easier and begin to smile. Try to focus on the good memories and try to smile at each of them.

[Pete (UK)]

Sorry it's been such a long time getting back to you all. Thanks so much for your responses.

After I made this initial posting, things did lift somewhat as they do, in fact when I'm not miserable I find I can cruise along pretty good in a sort of neautral mode.

Anyway, on Friday 20th I managed to slip on a wet floor in my kitchen and land spot-on my left hip joint. So, now I have a lump of titanium in my body!  The first couple of days were miserable, very emotional and obviously wishing my dear sweet wife (died June 2008) was there to support and 'heal' me. My daughter and son have done a great job and now I'm staying with her for a while. I'm back walking again and I refuse to give up, but I thought I'd let you all know, this site always stays there in the background of my mind. I always know when things get bad I can come back here. Love to all my great friends here, I'll keep you updated. I am getting through all this, it's a hard-knock life they say, and there's no-way beyond it except through it!

Love to all
Pete UK

[laurenE]

Pete,

So sorry about your hip! ouch!  Thanks for letting us know so that we can continue to pray for you, meditate, wish, or send you good vibes!

lauren

[georgiapeaches]

Pete,
sorry about your hip, hope you feel better soon! I'm praying everyday I dont fall off my wii 
take care!

georgia

[futbllwmn]

Hey Pete... on Feb 12th I feel off the ladder and broke my leg.  As I lay, so alone, on my garage floor, the emotional pain was much worse than the physical pain.  My husband should be here!!  It has been quite a struggle for me.. depending on family and friends for help with everything around the house.  Two weeks ago I was able to drive again and I went back to work (part time) last week.  My Ronnie has been gone since 6.3.08 and I miss him so much, every day, every waking moment.   I hope you are feeling better.

Prayers for all of us here.

Joyce

[sevenofwands]

Hello Pete:

Very sorry indeed to hear of your accident.  A real nuisance.  Anyhow I can see you are already up and about, and I do hope you have a very quick recovery.  It is a hard knock for you at this time, and I am so glad your son and daughter are so supportive.  Makes a difference!

Take every care.
All the best
Seven

[sevenofwands]

Hello Lornz:

It is very early days for you yet, and I am so sorry to hear of your sad loss.  What you are experiencing is normal, and the experience is different in timeframe and other aspects for each person.

No, people do not know what to say when they see you face to face.  Maybe it is easier on here, where we do NOT see each other face to face.....

It is not surprising that most people do not like talking about death.  Who does?!  I think that is a normal enough reaction to avoid the topic.  (Another matter entirely is talking about the bereavement and about the person who has died)
Humans like the "known", the "tangible", and would probably not like to die, ever!  Scared of their own mortality?  Yes.  Most of us, if we are honest, probably are.

All the best
Seven

[Pete (UK)]

Hiya Everyone!

I had my clamps out this morning and I'm feeling pretty good, did a fair bit of walking this week with my sweet daughter at my side as always!  Thanks for all your caring thoughts. I do feel I'm moving forward very slowly (especially on crutches), and I can see the seeds of acceptance maybe within reach. I can't change things so I'm going to try to change the way I react to things,

Love to all on the site

Pete UK

[sevenofwands]

Great to hear of your progress, Pete.  You will be flying around in no time at all.

You are so right.  We cannot change things that have happened, and we have to "act not react". 

All the best and a speedy recovery.
Seven