So, so alone

[mirumi]

Hi everyone...

I just registered, because I'm having one of the 'bad days' and I was looking for a resource online to try and help myself...

I just turned 20 a couple of weeks ago (it was my dad's birthday too, he would've been 65).

Two months ago (to make a long story short and because most of the details are really more personal than I want to share), because my mom, dad, and eldest brother (I have one remaining) were so depressed and were suffering every day, my dad stabbed my mom and brother to death and burnt our house down with himself in it.

Even typing it, it doesn't feel real. I've been having dreams about it, and I wake up thinking "oh thank God, it was just a dream!" before realizing that I'm still living this nightmare.

My dad and I were so close, because we had the same birthday, we had a really special bond. My mommy was my very best friend. I did everything in my entire life just to make her proud.

Now I feel like nothing is worth doing, because there's nobody to make proud anymore. My parents are gone, my biggest brother is gone. I'm so grateful I still have my one brother, and an aunt who is caring for us, both of whom I love dearly...but they're not my parents. I want my parents, I miss them, I need them, and I don't know how to live without them. I still feel like a child. I'm still in need of my role models, and my supports, and it feels like they abandoned me.

I've never lost anyone before. All of my grandparents passed away when I was too young for it to have an impact. I'm going through all of this for the very first time, and in the worst possible way, and I'm not handling it well. I'm so scared, and when I'm scared I call my mom and she makes me feel better. Now, now I just don't know what to do.

How can you deal with grief? How can you keep on living? I'm so afraid, I've experienced so much at such a young age, I'm so afraid that there's so much more that's left to suffer.

Please help me. How are you all managing? How can you come to terms with a life that has a completely different future than the one you've spent your life imagining? I've just started, there is so much more I want to share with my parents. How can I deal with all of those lost opportunities?

How do you deal with all of the fear, and all of the anger?

How can I learn to keep living?

[Luvinmike]

Dearest mirumi;
     I am and we all are so sorry for your enormous losses. So very sorry.
You have found a website where not only are you welcome, but we would be honored if you would let us be proud of you. I am glad you have your Aunt and brother. I know when I am truly lost I actually do ,"Talk," with my husband- I ask him for strength and to guide me. You can have peace knowing your Mom would want you to be safe and happy. Wouldn't you say? Twenty is a confusing age as it is, are you in school or working? Please write again, my prayers are with you. Many people here have so much to offer you. Talk to you soon. Terri

[georgiapeaches]

Dear Mir,
I'm so sorry what what you have went through, nothing that I have been through could even compare to you. You and your brother are really going to need to be there for eachother and you are probably going to need a great deal of therepy to try to make sense out of what happened. But all those emotions, fear and anger are part of grief and everyone that looses  a loved one experiences that, thats normal. I'm glad you have relatives you can turn to and be with. I'm praying for you and your brother to get through this.  Please take care of yourself.

Georgia.

[kevinjj]

please get into therapy as soon as you can, this is too much to bear alone. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

[futbllwmn]

I'm so very, very sorry.  I have to agree with Kevin... find a grief group, support group as soon as possible.  Stay close to your brother and family.. they need you and you need them.  Take one moment at a time and just breath.  My heart goes out to you and your brother.  Please come back here and let us know how you are doing.  We care about you and everyone else here.

Peace.

Joyce

[Sad Eyes]

My heart broke when I read your post.  I had a brother who was murdered so I know some of the emotions that you are feeling.  Honestly I can't imagine what it would be to have lost both parents at that time as well.  One of the things that helped me most was going to therapy.  I agree with the others who have posted get into counseling, a murder victims support group or find someone who has also experienced this type of loss to talk to.  Those are things that helped me work through my loss.  It helped me to know I wasn't the only one to have lost a loved one in such a horrilbe way.  I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this type of loss and if I can help you in any way I will.  Take care and please let everyone know how you are doing.

[Barb45]

Yes, you definatly need a therapist. This is too much for you to deal with without help. Also, do stay close to your family!Especially brother, he also needs therapy.God Bless your family. What a tremendous loss.