Am I making myself sadder?

[Ayee]

Hi all. I wonder if anyone knows if anniversaries will always be bad. I know that grief takes time and that it varies. But has anyone just woken up on their loved ones birthday and not felt bad.

I find that I have isolated some people or that they feel uncomfortable when I am feeling down. At this point I have death anniversaries, birthdays and holidays evenly spread through the year. So when my mom first died I was really sad around her birthday, holidays and the d-day. But now that my dad is gone I am sad all year round. There seem to be triggers everywhere. I'm not sad everyday, but just during those big occasions.

My dad died in 07 a week before I went back to grad school. I finished school full time. completed a year long internship and worked full time. It was probably the most miserable I have ever been. I did not have time to grieve, I had so much to do. But now I am finished school nearly a year and back to working normally and feel like he just died. I forget sometimes that he and mom are gone. The idea that I am parentless feels foreign. I haven't moved his clothes out. I haven't even had them placed in their urns. Instead of me telling my friends how down I am I just get very moody and really mean to my upbeat friends.

On top of this my aunt had a stroke and is dying on a ventilator and my family is expecting me to be the social worker to oversee arrangements. I try to explain that my dad died like this and I can't handle seeing that. I had flashbacks and nightmares about my parents' deaths after I last saw her.

 I see a wonderful therapist who says this is normal but I just want this to be over. I want to be a normal 27 year old and not a Debby Downer.

-Sorry this is so long.  -

[sevenofwands]

Ayee:

Your therapist is, of course, right.  It is normal that you should feel like this.  Anniversaries, birthdays and important dates are bound to bring memories of loved ones and remind us they are no longer around.  I am sorry you are going through this hard time, and equally I am very glad you have a good therapist, who is helping you along.

I am sorry your aunt is so ill, and I can understand how very difficult it must be for you to witness.  You are quite entitled to tell your family that you are unable to deal with these matters, that you do not feel up to it, and I am assuming that as adults they are capable of dealing with arrangements themselves. 

Sometimes friends and other people do not fully understand the grieving process, and perhaps you could explain to them, rather firmly, that you cannot feel any other way just now. 
Take care of you,
Seven

[kevinjj]

you would be abnormal if you didn't feel like this. I am sorry for your loss. Grief is circular, not linear and it is emotional, not clinical. Anniversaries are not nice and for many, the day of death that rolls around  each month is not nice though some of those days are worse than others. Death is not something we "get over", we live with it and regard it as a part of life, we dont put it behind us or in front of us, it is the opposite of birth, not the opposite of life. As we are saying good bye, others are saying hello.

[georgiapeaches]

Dear Ayee,
So Sorry for all your going through. Grief is a tough thing and your not a downer. I'm sure your parents would be so proud of you finishing school and trying to get your life together the way you are. So sorry about your aunt, try not to take all the arrangemants on yurself, get some help, get some rest, take care of yourself, your young but that doesnt mean you can take it all on yourself. I wish you the best.

Georgia.

[Luvinmike]

Ayee we are all here rooting for you. This is a lot. You have to take it as a compliment that others think you should manage your aunt's affairs, you have every right to decline, which is only done firmly and from the start.
You also need to take care of yourself first so you can be 29- like your parents would want. So whether it gets you energized to help with your aunt, or you feel you do not want to be in a caregiver role at the moment- just do what is best for you emotionally as parents always want their child to live life to the fullest. You can love your aunt and visit- but you do not need to take over. Sometimes not stepping up allows others to do so, and if not a professional will determine next steps. Best of luck. Prayers for you, Terri

[Ayee]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I haven't felt down like that in some time and I think it threw me for a loop. I still feel guilty that I am supposed to be an adult and I still cry about my parents. People always assume that after a year you're over it. Maybe I always will be a little sad on occasions and that's OK. It'll have to be right?

You all are right, I should learn to step back and take care of me. I guess I don't like feeling helpless so I want to do something. Again thank you for listening and sending me positivity. Hope you all are well.
-Kim-

[carrieset]

Ayee:

I don't think you should have to take on something that your family thinks you should.  You have been through enough.

Other family members need to step up to the plate and help out.  My Laurence died on Dec 24 08 and I got to see him on oxygen and his chest heaving up and down to even get a breath.  That is my last memory of him.  Last week his best friend of 25 years went to the same hospital Laurence did and had brain surgery for a tumor (which is what Laurence had).  I feel so guilty because I haven't made it there.  I don't what has happened or how he is doing, but a couple that Laurence and I knew have volunteered to go there with me to see him.  I told them I am too afraid to go back to the hospital that he was in 6 times and I couldn't do it alone.

So my feeling is if you want to help with your aunt, then other family members need to do it with you and not you doing it alone.

Just my thoughts.

Carrie