Author Topic: gulit, anger and emptyness  (Read 8496 times)

lola

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gulit, anger and emptyness
« on: March 06, 2009, 02:30:23 PM »
my husband of 14 months died last month suddenly and unexpectantly.
Im so full of guilt for not doing enough to save him, so angry with old people for being alive while matt is dead, angry with other couples, what gives them the right to be able to hold one another at night, angry with matt for leaving me, so lonly and empty without him in my life ......why did i have to survive....why do i have to wake up everyday and im so scared because i dont want to live anymore.....i cant live without him

betty

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2009, 02:51:06 PM »
Your feelings are what all of us who come to this website have experienced and are a part of the grieving process.  My John would have been 70 in May and we were together for over 46 years, but even that seems young and a short time to be together.  In the six weeks since he has been gone, not a day has passed that I haven't wondered if maybe I didn't miss some symptom that if I had insisted we go to the doctor or the emergency room, he might still be with me.  I hopr that goes away someday, but someday isn't here yet.  I have found this site to be most helpful, and I hope you will also.  It is more comforting to hear from those who have experienced the same loss and are hurting in the same way than from well-meaning friends who really do not have a clue about how it feels because they have not experienced the same thing.  betty

Jap Jr

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2009, 03:21:02 PM »
lola;

So sorry for your loss of your husband and such a short time together. You are having feelings that are normal; it's only been 3 1/2 months since I lost Jim unexpectedly; it hurts so much every day. We were to be married sometime this year, had not set a date yet; both married before, and finally found each other and then to have our future taken away from us. I can't stand to see couples out together, knowing it should be Jim and I; I miss US to much. This is a crappy journey we are now on and I hate it. The lonliness of going to bed and waking up every day and night without Jim, the pit in the stomach and crying all the time.

Find people you can talk to as much as you can; it helps to talk, talk, talk and a grief group. We can all feel the pain you are going through. Know that you are not alone - we are all here for you. Keep posting, it does help. There are so many wonderful people on this site, and know that we DO UNDERSTAND.

Peace, prayers and (((hugs)))

Jap Jr's - Kay


Luvinmike

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2009, 03:36:09 PM »
thinking of you lola. Tell us about your beloved husband if and when you are able. It is so scary in the early days of grief- hang on- you won't have so much fear over time. We are listening- write again and take care of you. Deep breaths and Baby steps...Terri

georgiapeaches

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2009, 07:05:45 PM »
Dear Lola,
I'm so sorry your feeling so bad, right now its so new to you. I know the grief can eat you up inside, you dont know which way to turn, but it will get alittle easier. Its so unfair what happens in our lives, the unexpected, I'm so sorry it has happened to you. I also hope when you are able , you can come back and tell us alittle more about your husband and yourself, so we can get to know you. Try to take it slowly, take good care of yourself and get lots of rest , I know its hard to sleep, even if you just lay down, try to rest as much as possible and drink lots of fluids. Prayers to you and comfort.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Rainman

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2009, 07:32:32 PM »
Oh Lola,

Only 14 months married to Matt.  How unbelievably horrible.  I know the pain, the anger and the despair that you are feeling.  My Patty died 9 weeks ago and I live with all of those feelings every day.  You will hear this over and over again on this website, but you must take it one breath at a time, one step at a time and one day at a time.  That is the only thing getting me through this. 

Come back here often.  We DO understand, we are all in the same horrific circumstance.  We will talk with you, comfort you as best we can, and most of all we all listen very well.  You can vent with us, commiserate with us, yell at us..whatever you need to deal with Matt's leaving you.

Ray


carrieset

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2009, 11:16:10 PM »
Lola:

I am so sorry to hear about your husband and the short time you had together.  I only had 3.8 years with Laurence; most of it with him having numerous brain surgeries.

Just keep coming here.  It has helped me so much.  It is a horrible journey to go through.  Sometimes you can feel like you are going crazy.  But you aren't.  One thing I took the advice of from many was to drink alot of liquids, try to eat if you can, rest when you can.  I forced myself to do those things and after 3 months have started eating real food again.  It doesn't make it any easier because of the loss of our loved one.  Most days I couldn't even get out of bed, work, do laundry, did nothing but just sit for hours staring into space.

My financial situation doesn't allow me to do the above as Laurence and I were not married yet.  I work for myself, but God is taking me through this.  And I am hanging on to Him.

Peace and comfort to you,

Carrie

kevinjj

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2009, 09:55:00 AM »
It's been over a year now since my wife died and all I know is the feelings of wondering if there was more we could have done will level off then end. It is so impossible to accept that they are gone from us that we desperately look for reasons why they could still be with us and we can only blame ourselves and think of things that we could have done but really, we did our very best and even beyond our best. The outpouring of Love and hurt here makes it so evident that we went way above and beyond with our mates. There has to be so much hurt when so much love was given.

Michelle C

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2009, 02:14:57 PM »
Thank you kevinjj..
I needed u today

Jap Jr

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2009, 03:34:29 PM »
I thank you also Kevin; I have been told I am beating myself up over everything; it still does not make it any easier and the hurt and pain are still so intense, but it is only 3 1/2 months for me.

I miss Jim and US more in the past few weeks, especially with the nice weather coming and knowing what we would be doing. The roller coaster is still not slowing down and the waves are more and more.

Can a person ever not wonder if there was something more that could have been done? Will it ever level off and end? Did I do enough? Ask enough questions? Find out enough answers?

Guess I need to keep reading posts like yours Kevin, to keep me understanding.

KatEngland

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2009, 01:14:38 PM »
Oh sweetie. :(

 I know firsthand, just this past week, the anger and rage of losing a loved one. Of seeing others happy..and getting mad.  For me it is seeing any healthy baby right now, I am so mad that Ian died..:( When you say you don't want to live, ohmy gosh, I get that feeling so often, and wonder how the world can go on when so much pain is in my life. I don't have the answers I so need, and I think it is the same for you. You have a RIGHT to your anger..and to your pain..we ALL do..and I think it will be quite awhile before we alll get past.  I am new to this process too...so your pain is so raw like mine..

Bqarb45

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2009, 02:06:53 PM »
I have all the guilt of feeling I could have done more, anger that he left me, hurting seeing couples together make me cry, so much sadness, pain & loneliness. I pray & cry alot & miss him so very much!!

rita-grammy

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2009, 05:38:25 PM »
I lost my daughter and I live with so much guilt...every minute of every day..I have not yet become angry at her for leaving..but, I know I will as its one of the steps of grief...and it too will come...all we can do is go on ..and I do know what you mean I get angry seeing daughters and their mothers shopping..when I can't take my boo shopping anymore...angry at older people because they still live and my boo does not....I have guilt over that my mother in law is always so sick and I have wanted so many times to tell her just get over it your 85 and alive.!!!!!! my boo was only 31...all we can do is try together and try to be more understanding of others ..I know its so hard to watch life go on when yours has stopped in time...but, I have found much understanding here and together we can help each other.

wishing you peace
Rita
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

in2hens2

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Re: gulit, anger and emptyness
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2009, 11:12:07 AM »
My heart is heavy for you now, it is hard, no doubt about, the terrible anger, I never experienced that with other people who died in my life, but this time I an angry, yelled and acted crazy in my bosses office, angry at everyone, but slowly I had to look at managing the feelings, processing in a healthier way, I write, read and do positive things for myself, that anger is natural, but acting out and hurting yourself is not a way out or though this horrendous time.  Type all night if you have to, that hurt in your chest as if someone had hit you with a sledgehammer in your chest will subside as if you had gone through an intensive operation and had to endure severe pain, with a little time it began to hurt less, well you will find ways to release that anger in positive ways.  Please know that we all care here.
Cid