Michelle:
Your post made me cry
Nailed it for me.
I think it's almost 10 weeks for me now. I just started eating again on Saturday (real food, not liquids).
I keep reliving that last month in hospice; feeding Laurence; panicking when he would choke; him not able to speak clearly except for a few times early on. Asking me once if he did something to deserve this? And my repeatedly assuring him he did not doing anything - where now, I am asking what did I do to deserve this; being left alone without him.
I watched him finally go to sleep for hours and hours and I couldn't wake him up at all. Then on his last day seeing him on oxygen and his huge chest just heaving to take a breath. I knew I was numb along time before that but that was when reality really hit. I told him to go home now to the passion of his life and thanked him for loving me and my kids and all he had done for us.
I was 44 when I met him and I had never had that kind of love for any man that I did for him and it was instant.
I don't think I ever will again. To have this 6'1" 250 lb. physically fit, passion for everything he did, beautiful singer songwriter, producer, I was in heaven. Now he is!
My neighbor just came by awhile ago and asked me why I was crying. It was right after I read your post. I told him "just because". He knows why. He's been coming by alot lately in the evening and bringing a movie to watch. He wants me to cheer up.
I told him I am just trying to figure out where to go from here.
Thank for your post; it was very touching.
HUGS,
Carrie