Author Topic: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today  (Read 6684 times)

Michelle C

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Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« on: March 03, 2009, 06:34:44 PM »
Just 8 weeks ago...
Just 8 Tuesday's ago...
Just 55 days, 20 hours and 50 mins ago...

I was sitting in a hospital room whispering in Clarence's ear that it was ok for him to leave us and that one day we will be together again....

I was sitting there trying to hold my breath to match his breathing...
One breath... 17 seconds...
Another breath.... 20 seconds...

Until there was no more inhales or exhales..
Until there was no more Pulse..
Until there was no more Clarence...

I lifted him up and I gave him a kiss and I told him good-bye.. All the time thinking is this it??? Is this really it??? My Clarence is really gone???

How quickly did our life change... Just 24 hours earlier we were at home... enjoying the night...Then BOOM... the world began to spin... Spinning and Spinning to the out of control point... At times when I think I have it all under control...At times I feel like I have a handle on all of this... And then something happens and I break down and I realize that I am still in that hospital room... I am still holding his hand... I am still feeding him ice chips... trying to act like everything will work out... I didnt have the guts to tell him that the home he was talking about going to was not ours... it was God's.. Wondering if he already knew that he was leaving this life... As he slipped away something in me left too. My dreams... My hope... My sunshine... My friend... My partner... My lover... My man...

How I hurt right now... How I pray for peace... How I pray for just one good day... How I want my life back...

« Last Edit: March 03, 2009, 06:36:48 PM by Michelle C »

flamingofred

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2009, 07:35:39 PM »
When I read your post it seemed like you were there with me and my husband while he passed away.
I to told him it was okay to go and that I will see him again.  At times he knew what was happening at times he didn't it happened so fast.
I to felt that my life has been ripped away from me.  If it wasn't for my beliefs I don't know where I would be today.  It's only been 7 months that my husband passed away and I do have some okay days and not okay days.
I know that Larry was worried about how I was going to be and I told him not to worry that I will somehow make it and this promise at times keeps me going.
I constantly run the tape of my husband dying in front of me, but I am comforted that I was there to support him in the transition.
Try to hang in there.

carrieset

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2009, 09:31:10 PM »
Michelle:

Your post made me cry :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Nailed it for me.

I think it's almost 10 weeks for me now.  I just started eating again on Saturday (real food, not liquids). 

I keep reliving that last month in hospice; feeding Laurence; panicking when he would choke; him not able to speak clearly except for a few times early on.  Asking me once if he did something to deserve this?  And my repeatedly assuring him he did not doing anything - where now, I am asking what did I do to deserve this; being left alone without him.

I watched him finally go to sleep for hours and hours and I couldn't wake him up at all.  Then on his last day seeing him on oxygen and his huge chest just heaving to take a breath.  I knew I was numb along time before that but that was when reality really hit.  I told him to go home now to the passion of his life and thanked him for loving me and my kids and all he had done for us.

I was 44 when I met him and I had never had that kind of love for any man that I did for him and it was instant.

I don't think I ever will again.  To have this 6'1" 250 lb. physically fit, passion for everything he did, beautiful singer songwriter, producer, I was in heaven.  Now he is!

My neighbor just came by awhile ago and asked me why I was crying.  It was right after I read your post.  I told him "just because".  He knows why.  He's been coming by alot lately in the evening and bringing a movie to watch.  He wants me to cheer up.

I told him I am just trying to figure out where to go from here.

Thank for your post; it was very touching.

HUGS,

Carrie

Jap Jr

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2009, 11:13:32 PM »
michelle;

Can feel what you are going through; our lives changed in 12 hours; going to ER not feeling good, being told he was going to be ok, but would have to stay in ICU for a couple of days and a few hours later, he was gone. He asked me in ER when we got there if he was going to die, and I said NO Honey, you aren't; really believed he wasn't, we had such hope. I can still see his face when he asked me that and relive the whole 12 hours very vividly. Seeing those last few breaths, then none; it rips me apart everytime.

I would like my "old" life back, too - I miss Jim so much - I miss US

Jap Jr's - Kay

carrieset

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2009, 11:32:42 PM »
Kay:

You are up too late!!!!  You should be in bed as should I............

I HATE this...........It SUCKS............I just wanted to be an old geezer woman with an old geezer man.

Yeah, right.  I miss the way it was too, even with Laurence praying with me and the chemo nurse every time he had the "experimental chemo".  Never will be the same.  It is a hurt bigger than anyone can imagine; especially after that great second chance.

My hurts, love ,empathy and compassion and with you.

Love, Carrie

Don't know why........it will never be the same.   This new normal is hell.


georgiapeaches

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2009, 06:14:28 AM »
Michelle,
Your post just broke my heart, if I put into words how I really felt the morning I found my husband I dont think I could make it now that I'm not in shock anymore. I'm praying for you to have comfort and all the peace you need to get through this and big ((((hugs)))) to you, I'm so so sorry you in pain. Please know we are all here for you.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

kevinjj

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2009, 07:55:09 AM »
I know that feeling so well, Michelle and this is the worst time of your life as you know and can feel it - keep reaching out to your supports even though it seems at times it is of no help, it slowly pays off as you adjust to the terrible reality that has befallen you. Im so sorry for your loss. It will stay raw and terrible for a while longer yet then it will ease up some for you - it did for me and the others that have been here for a while.

rita-grammy

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2009, 12:43:12 PM »
Michelle:
I am so sorry for your loss... it so reminds me of losing my father...I cannot imagen going through this with the love of your life... to dream of a life together ..I am so sorry and your post made me cry also...when my pain of losing my boo gets to bad I still have my husband the love of my life...reach out to others ..even if you think they don't understand...somewhere in time maybe we can all accept ...it does not mean we will ever forget...I don't know about how you dealt with your loss but, I was angery at everyone everything...and the pain to me was unabearable.... everyone else kept living as though nothing happened....and my world had stopped...now after 7 months I am starting to accept ..but, I will never forget....

I wish you peace Rita
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Rainman

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2009, 08:01:11 PM »
Oh, Michelle,

How beautifully eloquent your sentiment is.  You and I have experienced almost identical passings. 
I have told you this before, but Clarence is one lucky man to have you in his live and to have you love him.  You and I feel like the lucky ones, meeting Patty and Clarence, but after knowing you for 2 months now, I know how fortunate Clarence is.   

For the life of me, I can't put Patty or Clarence in the "past" tense.  I am sure that you feel the same, but Patty is very much alive, albeit inside of me.

I want the pain to stop.  I want the crying to stop.  I tried talking to my Mom this morning on the phone and broke down like a baby.  She feels so helpless and I know that I am hurting her.  Damn, pain everywhere.

Michelle, I love the new pictures on Clarence's website.

Ray

Michelle C

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Re: Just 8 weeks ago... I am sooo sad today
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2009, 10:25:27 PM »
My wonderful friends...

How would i make it without all of you??
Although your world has been tossed upside down..
You still find enough compassion to help others in need...
I thank God that my friend advised me to look on the web for some support.
You will NEVER know how much you have meant to me...

Thank you Ray for visiting Clarence's website...
(I love Patty's too)... We are very blessed to have had love so deep that even death can't claim it... Clarence reminded me everyday just how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me.... Thank you for reminding me of that... I don't feel very special or lucky now...