Author Topic: new person-hurting alot  (Read 82494 times)

flamingofred

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new person-hurting alot
« on: March 02, 2009, 09:12:32 PM »
I an new here and alot of what I have been reading is similar to what I have been going through.  I helps to hear that other people are going through what I am going thru.
My husband died 6 months ago.  We were together for 13 years.  I met him in my late thirties and he was the only long term relationship and only man I ever loved.  We got married a year and a half ago.
He died of cancer. From the time he was diagnosed to the time he passed away it was 9 months,.  He went through a 6 hr operation and then chemo and then it came back.  He always taught me alot as most soul mates do however he taught me so much going through this.
We both became Christians just prior to him dying so I know that I will see him again, but on most days that thought doesn't always help.
I was with him when he died.  The images are always in my mind.  The look of sadness on his face when he was able to realize that he was dying and going to leave me -- the anger he expressed about the situation and then apologizing for getting angry--the look on his face when he was frustrated and in pain. 
I am glad that I was with him when he died as I belive that that was my role as his wife to help him move on but the images are always there.
I get so sad because I waited so long to meet him and we had such a short time.  He was such an amazing man, he was my soul mate that always accepted and loved me no matter what.
I often list to a song by lionel richie called goodbye it so describes my feelings.
Sometimes I feel like my heart is actually breaking.
I know that over time it will probably get better but part of me needs the hurt and pain as it keeps me alive.

Just writing this is helpful.

Flamingo fred

futbllwmn

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2009, 01:06:34 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and so sorry you have to be on this site.  That being said, the people here are wonderful and care about you and we know what you are going through.  I lost my beloved husband 9 months ago today, suddenly, to a blood clot to the heart.  He was 56 and this April we would have been married 10 years.  I too am a Christian and I do believe I will see my Ronnie again.  That is the only reason I don't drive my car off a cliff.  I don't post too often but I come here every day.  The people here will never know how much they have helped me.  Please come back.  We know what you are going through and do care about you.

Praying for a moment of peace for all of us here.

Joyce


Jap Jr

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2009, 08:35:47 AM »
flamingo;

Sorry for your loss of your husband; Jim and I were together 4 years and to be married this year; we finally found each other after we thought there was no one left; we both had been married before. I feel so cheated out of our future.

There isn't a waking moment I don't miss everything about Jim, he was my rock. As of November 21, 2008, my world stopped; he was diagnosed with cancer in August. It will never be the same; this journey we are on is not one any of us chose, and it hurts; the pain is so constant and overwhelming at times.

Keep those memories close.

Just listened to the song Goodbye - Lionel Richie; I just cried and cried; made me think of Jim so much and how much I miss him - thanks for sharing that;  don't think I have listened to it before. It hit home so much; I can't stop crying, it hurts. I want my Jim back and our life back. My heart is broken.

I still question WHY; why us? why so soon when our life was just going to be starting? WHY?

Peace to all of us - (((hugs))) too, as I know I can sure use one right now.

Jap Jr's - Kay


flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2009, 07:26:19 PM »
thank you so much for reading and responding to my thoughts, and pain.
Even though I am in so much pain now I still am so thankful that I met my husband  soul mate and had him in my life for as long or as short as I did.
His courage in dying actually gives me courage in living I just have to keep this in mind when I am in pain.


carrieset

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2009, 09:15:35 PM »
flamingofred:

I am so sorry to hear you have had to join this forum; we are all sad we have to be here, but also grateful because we all understand your pain.

My partner Laurence died this past Dec 24 after many bouts of brain cancer over 2.8 years.  I keep trying not to replay the last 2 months of his life and especially the last hours. 

Laurence, too, had a tremendous amount of courage and his faith in God was huge.  He lived his life to the fullest and with much optomism.  I will try to remember what you said about your DH's courage in dying and remind myself to have that courage to continue to go on living.

Peace and hugs to you,

Carrie

Luvinmike

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2009, 09:22:14 PM »
dear Flamingo, So so sorry for the death of your husband. I miss my husband also. I got my first bit of wisdom in this grief when 18 year old daughter said,"Mom, I am grateful that I had the best Dad in the world for eighteen years rather than complain that he is gone way too soon; some kids never had a good Dad at all."
The next bit of wisdom came from my Priest- he said,"Where there is great love, there is great pain." And finally, this site and knowing others are struggling through grief. I wish I could take it away from everyone else, because it hurts so much, but we know that is not possible. So we get through our days, and we do our best to honor our loved ones. I spent six hours in bed today crying. I just could not do it today ( work, cook etc.). I finally got up after realizing for the 10,000th time that I need to be brave like my husband. Maybe that is how you feel about that courage to live your loving husband gave you. It isn't alot but it is something to go on. Hope you post again. Know that we all care. Terri

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2009, 08:52:25 PM »
Today was another day just like all the other days since my husband died.  My cell phone rings and I think that it's my husband calling.  I cry on the way to work and on the way home.
Even reading the entries here I cry.
I'm a counsellor and it is so hard to care about other people's issues when I am feeling so much pain.
I just do what I have to do to get by each day.
My doggies are about the only good things some days.
hope tomorrow is a little better, at least that's what I say every night.


flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2009, 11:21:34 AM »
So it will be spring soon, the second season I will experience without my husband.
He died in September 08.  The first few snowflakes of winter were really hard, i cried and cried. He loved snow and he especailly loved having a white xmas and we certainly did this past year.
I will miss us doing all of the spring kind of yard work with him.
The passing of time just reminds me that the world still revolves without him in it, and I don't like that.
 :'(

Jap Jr

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2009, 02:16:40 PM »
Flamingo;   Can join you in feeling your pain of Spring coming; lost Jim November 21, 2008 and with spring coming I look at the back yard and see the huge new grill he bought, the wood to be cut for the many bon fires we would have had; the table/chairs on the back deck that never got put away; the garage that was going to be sheetrocked; the deck that we power washed but didn't get to stain yet, it's in the garage; we just seeded the front yard last fall; driving the car in the car club we belonged to; we loved doing most everything together, inside or outside. It was a long winter, but it let me hibernate in the house.

Peace and serenity - Hope today went better for you, if just for a few moments.

Jap Jr's - Kay


georgiapeaches

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2009, 07:00:02 PM »
Dear Flamingo,
I'm so sorry for your loss and glad you came to this site. Its sad that you had such a short time with your husband but I'm sure your beautiful memories will last a lifetime. He will always be with you in your heart. I wish you peace and comfort.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2009, 02:16:53 PM »
Thank you to all who have written and given me support.
It's so sad to see so many people hurting, but then it just reflects the great people who have touched our lives.
Last night was the first time I went to Bindo without my husband.  I was very anxious and at momments while playing almost went to turn to him to say something.  I went cause I do need to get on with my life, I know that I need to grieve but I just can't continue to hide at home and do this.

I have also found out that a death is like a divorce, you would be amazed at the so called good best friends that you loose throughout this process.  I guess the lord closes some doors so that other doors can open.

I still can't believe that he is gone, everything just happened so fast.  At around New Years I felt like my heart was actually breaking. 
Does it get better, sometimes it doesn't feel like it does.



Bqarb45

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2009, 12:36:11 PM »
I am just coming first time. I lost my husband of 43 yrs Jan th. It is so hard as you all know. Certain smells, the new season, seeing couples together!!! Sometimes I want to die. He was my whole being! I want to speak to knowone, see noone, I donot answer phone calls. Everyone says it will begin to hurt less in time. I don't feel that will ever be. :(

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2009, 05:38:59 PM »
I have had some okay momments so it has gotten just a little better.
I get so pissed off that the world continues to revolve without him in it.
I miss him so much that my heart actually hurts.
He was such a wonderful man who finally got his life to a place where he was happy. 
I loved him so much, he truly believed and supported me.  Except for God he is the only one who was there for me.

Jap Jr

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2009, 07:02:27 AM »
understand the anger about the world "going on" and the couples; I can't stand it; it hurts. It is just 3 months, 3 weeks and it feels like yesterday more and more. Thought it is supposed to get easier, but seems to have gotten worse the past month. Still so raw; sometimes I get so anxious and it scares me. I don't like being ME, I want US back; this "new normal" sucks; this new "journey" sucks. Jim wanted to live so much; we were to be married this year; found each other when we didn't think there was anyone else left after being married before. I just MISS him so much and everything about him; hate the waking up and going to bed alone everyday/everynight; the lonliness, missing his touch, voice, being there. Knowing this is the new life I have to face everyday for days, weeks, months, years; the rollercoaster of emotions and the waves hitting and slapping me in the face.

Jim was my Rock; he was always there for me ......... I cry everyday; everyday there is always something that reminds me of the Love I Lost so suddenly. Feel so cheated that we didn't get to have our future; together only 4 short years.

Peace to us all

Jap Jr's - Kay

kevinjj

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2009, 08:32:04 AM »
Im sorry for your loss and yes, the heart does break, it really does and grief puts a person down like nothing else and only those who have been through it really know how terrible it is - they are ripped away from us and part of us really dies too, there is no other way to describe it but we slowly adapt and adjust, somehow, and the pain will ease, it really will and after a while the horror of the first few months becomes like a bad memory. We continue on because we have to and our departed mates expect us to continue on and a hole remains in our hearts until we ourselves die, but the pain will ease significantly for you