Author Topic: new person-hurting alot  (Read 113477 times)

wanda

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #60 on: June 05, 2009, 07:34:52 PM »
Everyone grieves differently. Nobody can tell us how to grieve. The 1st year, Everytime I looked at my husbands picture, I thought about him taking his last breath. This year, I think about us, as teenagers, out running around(the 60's), having a good time with our friends. He was in the Army, so he drove home on the weekends(AWOL most of the time). We were married for 1 month when he went to Viet Nam. 19 and 21, so young. So many of his close friends and Family can't talk to me. They don't know what to say. He had found alot of his Viet Nam Buddies 8 years ago and they flew in twice a year for mini reunions and then had a big reunion every two years. They called all the time. Now they don't call, because they are so sad. They don't want to start crying. A few of the wives have called. 12 of them flew in for the funeral and folded the flag at the graveside. Really the only help I have gotten is from other widows. They let me know that I wasn't losing my mind and I certainly wasn't the only one. One Lady told me to eat my meals in my recliner in front of the TV. It worked, I ate better. I layed my husbands pillow sideways and covered it up, and it looked just like my husband laying there, I slept better. I would go to the cemetary and stand over the grave, because I knew that under my feet was the body that I knew. His soul is not there, but his body is. It really helped.Also this year, I am remembering the things that I don't miss. Like him telling me how to do something, when I didn't ask for the help. Other things that really got on my nerves. You know the things that bothered you. I don't miss those things at all. I would love to have him here to cook for and get a cup of coffee for.I miss telling him something that I heard, or telling him something that the grandkids did, that only he would enjoy.We shared the love of our children and grandchildren. Nobody will ever share that with me again.You plan a long life together and plan to grow old together. I will never have a 50th wedding anniversary. with him. I will have it, but alone. I still have anniversarys. Have you been called a Single yet?. I have and I corrected that person and said, No I am not a single, I am a Widow.I am as married as I ever was. I wear my wedding band with my Mothers ring and my husbands wedding band on the other hand.It is hard, but you get a little set in your ways, being alone.Since I have to be alone, It's not too bad now.Joy will come in the morning.

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #61 on: June 05, 2009, 08:14:33 PM »
Thank you guys for all of your understanding and support.
I haven't been called single as i still wear my wedding ring, I also wear hison the same finger (i got itmade smallerand wear it with mine)
But people who don't know abouthim passing see the wedding rings and ask where is my husband, or questions like that .  That is hard to answer.
I still run into people who don't know and ask how he is doing, that's tough.

Even though it is so very hard, i am so glad that i do have my faith.  I probably would've eithergiven up or started to do stupid things like drink etc.

Here's to another day.


Jap Jr

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #62 on: June 05, 2009, 08:39:37 PM »
Jim and I were not married yet, supposed to this year, but I call myself a "widow" without the benefits anyway; it seemed like we were. I still have people who didn't know, or that I haven't seen that heard, come up and say they are sorry. It's been 6 months, but understand this will happen for a while.

I am really trying to get my faith back, as I lost it when Jim passed; was mad at God for taking him, and not answering our prayers and giving US that miracle. But Jim is in a better place, and God evidently had "other" plans for us than the ones we had.

Was a very tough week for me and cried so much, missing my Jim.

flamingo & wanda; I liked what you both had to say; Joy will come in the morning and Here's to another day ....... thanks


carrieset

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #63 on: June 05, 2009, 10:16:26 PM »
Hi everyone:

Regarding wedding rings, I never really got mine......Cancer took that dream away. 

I do have the stone for that ring that was supposed to be.......never got to get it set, though.

When I was married to my first husband (only had one), he was an engineer, but also a certified jeweler, so he lavished me with every big huge thing you can imagine.  I pawned it all during 2 year separation and divorce as he took all accounts and left me penniless with an autistic child to boot!!

Anyway, I always told Laurence (and this was a joke) that the only wedding ring I wanted was one cut from a piece of barbwire.  Yes, I know, a little warped and probably was bitter from divorce. 

Was to be married last Oct. 6.  Had the notebook filled with guests, food, etc. (was just to be a backyard affair)......... :'( :'( :'(

I even had my 11 year old daughter's dress picked out as she was to stand up with me (gorgeous thrift store find as I am very thrifty).  And my business is going into thrift stores and finding great things to sell online, so it is a reminder every other day to see these beautiful wedding dresses, etc. and not be dismayed by where life is now.

Sorry if I hijacked the site.  Just reminiscing about what was supposed to be and the talk about rings reminded me of so much.

Hugs to all,

Carrie

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #64 on: June 09, 2009, 07:08:04 AM »
One year ago today Larry had his last chemo treatment.  The prognosis was good that cancer was gone.
I remember sitting in the hospital room with him while he got his treatment, we did crafts together.
I hate this.

Jap Jr

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #65 on: June 09, 2009, 07:34:05 AM »
Flamingo;

I hate this too; feeling your pain with you; losing Jim to cancer; I just hate this new life .........

Kay

sallie

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #66 on: June 09, 2009, 11:56:53 AM »
I know there are no real words that can bring comfort to you but I also want you to know that each day the Lord will give you the strength to move forward.  My husband died in a plane crash 5 years ago and knowing that I would see him again in heaven has been an incredible comfort to me and my children.  I read a wonderful book by C.S. Lewis called "A Grief Observed" about 6 months after my husband died and it really helped me process through the pain.  C.S. Lewis met his wife late in life and they were only together for a short time before she died.

Please know I will be praying for you!

Sallie

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #67 on: June 09, 2009, 05:35:55 PM »
Thank you for your support.  My faith too is what keeps me going knowing i will see himagain is all that keeps megoing sometimes.


wanda

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #68 on: June 11, 2009, 03:31:13 AM »
I think, those of us that have been care givers to our mates, have had such a rough time adjusting to , NOT taking care of someone. I learned, from my Mother, to take care of my husband, make sure his house was clean, his clothes washed, his meals cooked when he came home from work, his Children taken care of. Then when he lost his legs, we had 2 legs instead of 4. My thinking was always about handicap accesible, plus I work on a handicap school bus. Then, he died. My children are gone, I still work on the bus, but I catch myself think about Handicap accesibility when I am parking the car, or moving furniture. Is that chair going to be in the way of the wheelchair. My children have been remodeling my house. Door Frames and Doos being replaced because of the scratches and scrapes from the wheelchair. It is beginning to look like he was never here. I may just put his wheelchair in the middle of the living room and that will make me feel like he is there when I am missing him. But before I started rambling I was talking about being a care giver. You are so busy taking care of that helpless creature. Then there is nobody. Only you. Now I have to admit that it does feel good, when I am so tired, that I don't have to feel guilty because I am not cooking his supper. He was not one to demand , But as a wife, I thought that this is what you did, so I felt guilty if I didn't. The guilt still comes back to me if I need to do something, but I don't. Then I think, I am by myself, who cares if I do it or not. I guess what I am saying is, after 14 months, I am adjusting to living alone.I am tired. I have taken care of husband and children for a long time. Now it is my turn to take care of me.Not by choice, but it is my turn. My husband is in heaven, having a ball. Seeing all of his loved ones. So I have to make the best of it until I meet him. It took 14 months to get to this point. I wasn't thinking like this 2 months ago. I am not changing my life, because this is the way I like it, everything is familiar and I don't like changes. Alot of things are coming up in church to keep me involved with humans this summer. I couldn't do that last summer, but I can now. I have applied for another job, because only working in the school year is not going to cut it. That's another thing, at 58, you have to support yourself. 2 more years until I can draw Widow's Benefits. Well, I am rambling again.

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #69 on: June 12, 2009, 06:35:09 PM »
You are right Wanda so many changes.  I think all we can do is take one day at a time.

When things get tough I read a poem that a past friend of my husband's and mine did that was read at my husband's service

They did it

He asked her to marry him
He did it for him.

She said yes
She did it for her.

They in the sight of God joined as one
They did it for eachother

He found his time was limited and needed her by his side
She did it for him

He asked his friend to look out for her when he could no longer
He did it for her

He ws frightened at times
She slept in a chair day after day next to his hospital bed to hold his hand
She did it for him

He said he was ready to go home to the Father,but he needed for her to be ok
He did it for her

She told him to go and she would be ok
She did it for him

He went to Heaven to be with the Lord
Jesus did that for him.




flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #70 on: June 22, 2009, 07:46:39 PM »
Am having another rough day.  Some days are okay and some are rough.  Today is a  tough one.  Don't know why, just thinking alot about Larry and really missing him.  Feeling ripped off, looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together and then this happened.
We only had 13 years together, a little over a year as husband and wife. And then I think that at least we met eachother and did have 13 yrs.  Some people never meet their soul mate.

Maybe it's a tough day cause in Sept will be one year and also the funeral home will be planying a tree in his honor and am planning on going to this.\

Oh well, enough self pity, will pray for more support tonight when I go to bed.


Nite.

Jap Jr

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #71 on: June 22, 2009, 08:33:16 PM »
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day, but it must be the day; mine was awful, too. Alot of crying and sadness. Jim and I had 4 years together and to be married this year; after divorces we didn't think anyone was out there and then we met. I am thankful for those years we did have; could not say that at first; I was so mad at God for taking him. I know your feeling of being "ripped off"; we didn't get a chance to start. Was 7 months I lost Jim yesterday.

I pray for some peace, comfort and "support" for you.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow ........

Kay

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #72 on: June 28, 2009, 03:35:03 PM »
It has hit me another season without Larry.  It just makes me realize how real this is.  I think that is why it has been really hard lately.  Summer was our time of the year.  And with the stampede coming up it is really hard, it was Larry's favorite,.  He always felt that he was born 100 yrs too late.  He loved his cowboy hat, boots and shirts and he looking so handsome in them.
I just don't want to in a city where everything you see is stampede this and stampede that. 

Oh well, I miss him so much.  The only love of my life.  He managed to work himself into my life and now has left me.


Missing him sooooo much.

flamingofred

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #73 on: July 13, 2009, 07:29:24 PM »
I feel so lonely.  I think that I am entering depression.  After work and on the weekends I am scaired to do anything that we did together, and just want to lock myself in our house and just lay on the couch.  But i am too scaried to let my feelings out, am scaired of falling apart.

I want my Larry back I miss him so much.  The lord continues to give me strenght, but it feels like a different life i am entering and not sure if i like it.


Am so confused

SunLilly

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Re: new person-hurting alot
« Reply #74 on: July 13, 2009, 08:34:12 PM »
Maybe it would be a good time to start learning something new that you were interested in but never took up.., like piano lessons or snowboarding or hiking or whatever moves you.

Being alone too much can really make depression work. Is there a local grief group in your area? You might want to check into that.   Take care.