Author Topic: Leaving our home...it hurts bad  (Read 4169 times)

Rainman

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Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« on: February 28, 2009, 10:33:13 AM »
Hi everyone,

As you know, when Patty died I had to move because I couldn't afford  our home with just my income. 
My new house closed escrow and I am moving next Wednesday.  God, it hurts.  I feel like I am divorcing Patty or washing her out of my life.  This was our home, where we were so happy. 

If you remember, Patty's grown kids wouldn't let me deal with the loss in my way.  They rushed everything.  They came over less than a week after Patty died and raped my home (I wasn't there).  Now this move.  Nothing is letting me deal with her loss in my way or time.

I also feel like I have lost my purpose for living.  I am going to be living alone, working for what, just to pay bills????  People tell me that I will meet somebody else someday and be happy.  I don't want to hear that and I don't want to meet somebody else.  I feel like I would be cheating on Patty.  We didn't divorce...we were happy!!

I am still in total denial that she is gone.  I want her in my arms again....I want to hear her laugh, see her smile, tell me that she loves me.  Damn it hurts.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Ray

friedgen

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2009, 11:20:47 AM »
I am so sorry you have had to live this hell.  You have not been able to deal the way you should and have a right too.  Her kids should have let you decide when and what to let go of because you were not divorced like you said.  You were happy and this was not chosen.  Her kids should have respected their mothers love for you and given you space.  You were the one she was sharing her heart and soul with.  You know she would have wanted to see you treated with respect and caring.  She loved you and those kids need to remember that.  It has to be excrutiating to leave the house with all the wonderful memories of love.  Do not let people tell you that you need to find somebody else.  I also have been told that.  I tell those people that I had a love that can never be replaced.  When you love someone that deeply, involvement with someone else feels like cheating, because our heart is still with the one we loved.  I am sure that like me, the one that loved you would want you to try and find some happiness.  Although, it is a very long road to find that and sometimes just feels downright impossible.  I just hang on to knowing how much I was loved.  I wish all the best of luck that you deserve, as well as some peace and a (((hug))).

Friedgen

sevenofwands

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2009, 04:17:32 PM »
Ray:

I was very saddened reading your post.  Your loss must feel overwhelming.  How stressful it must be to move from your home at this particular time, and set up somewhere else.  Moving house is stressful even under the best of circumstances, and I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you in the midst of your grieving for your wife.

I don't know how or why your wife's grown children felt they had any right to invade YOUR home (the marital home shared by you and your wife).  Forgive me, but the word "trespass" springs to mind....

As for people telling you your future at this time, they sure are short on diplomacy skills, or they have been watching too much soap opera.  It must be so irritating for you.

Wishing you all the best.
Seven 

Luvinmike

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2009, 09:28:52 PM »
dear rainman;
     I hope you know how much all of us here care about you. I am so sorry about your move. That is so hard. As Seven said moving is stressful even in good times. Your Patty is okay. She would want you to be okay. I'm sad anyone would invade your home or tell you anything besides,"I'm sorry," or "Do you need to talk." Some people are so petty and ridiculous. Her kids should be ashamed of themselves, and maybe they are. I just hope you can continue to seek out supportive friendships thru grief support and your social network. Clearly you are a kind, caring man and you deserve at least a decent friend in this. I get some extra contacts through our church- and we were not good about attending before all this. Also regular exercise, I hope you can get some stress out of you physically. Although you are exhausted take some photos of your home to keep. Please tell us how you are doing, I am crying with you. I'm sorry you lost your wife. Sincerely, Terri

carrieset

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2009, 10:31:09 PM »
Rainman:

My heart is with you as you are having to move.  Patty will be moving with you.  Even though it is said that we should wait a year to make any major decisions, sometimes that is not financially feasible. 

I am coming up on a 4 year anniversary in March in meeting Laurence.  We only had 1.1 years together before brain cancer diagnosis, so life turned upside down from then on.  He had 1.5 years of regaining his weight, health, etc. an boom it came back again last March and the rest of the year until his death on Dec. 24 was beyond comprehension for me.

It's been only 2 months but lately I have been contemplating selling my home as it has too many memories of him here.  He helped me move in; he remodeled it; sat at my kitchen table every day and enjoyed his and my cooking; talking with my kids; him disciplining them as they were quite unruly after horrible divorce.

He had his own home, but we were to be married until blindsided by cancer.  Such an ugly word!!!

And I understand about the kids coming in and taking everything a month before he died when he was in hospice; coming in and having him sign stuff away.  It was really pretty; didn't even spend 10 minutes with him loving on their dad.  The 2 oldest left the state and spent Christmas somewhere else and left me alone with him.  They have no idea the replaying picture I have in my head as to how he died.  It was despicable to say the least.  Have never even asked me if I want anything from his house, of which many things I gave him.  Never had contacted me since his memorial service on Jan. 3.

So as I sit here on a Saturday night, kids are gone with their week at their dad's, the loneliness just screams at me. 

Yeah, I understand, what I am working for, just to pay the bills and have an empty house?  The optomistic and ambitious person I used to be has left the building.  Hope she comes back.

Peace to you and hugs (they sure are needed right now),

Carrie


Rainman

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2009, 11:42:09 PM »
Carrie, Terri, Seven and Friedgen,

You, and others like you,  are the reason that I keep coming back to this website.  I read and feel the hurt in your lives but you keep providing support to me and others.  You put things into perspective for me and make me feel better about my situation. 

I am so glad that I found you....

Thank you for just being here.

Ray

georgiapeaches

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2009, 05:57:33 AM »
Ray,
I drive by the place where me and my husband lived for 13 years , where the day we moved out, he died, I have to try to get past it but its so hard, I really do know how you feel. I'm so sorry for what Patty's kids did to you, my in-laws did the same to me and I was in such shock I let it happen. I couldnt imagine being in another relationship after 20 years of marriage, it just feels wrong. People dont understand. We do though. Sending you prayers, so sorry for your pain.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Jap Jr

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2009, 01:32:59 PM »
ray and all;

I am in the same boat as you - I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel; Jim's children get everything and they are not sharing. Not sure what the lawyers will tell them they "should get". Not sure what will happen when it really comes down to "taking" more from our home; the house is actually mine, but we were looking at selling it and buying a townhome or patio home, so we could travel and not have the upkeep; have 1.5 acres and lots to mow! There are 10 of us that live here, and either my brother or my house was where all the parties are at, because of the size. It just is not the same without Jim here; the partyness is gone - not having anymore. Family wants to have a bonfire, reminisce about Jim - may only do that, but it will be hard. Maybe it will help me get through some of this greif.

His kids knew we were going to be married this year, but doesn't matter to them.
Why do they all feel they have to be so mean and selfish? Like I said before Ray, I hope Patty's kids took more than just material things to remember their Mom by; you had posted one other time they took the TV's, vcrs etc - how cold is that; I am sorry for you; no feelings involved except their own.

Don't know what made me think of it, but realized I don't know where the key is for the new riding lawnmower! Jim took care of all of that; cars, insurance on them, "gas powered" things, garage stuff. I am lost. I can use the other push one I guess; get spoiled using the rider. Power washed both decks last fall, bought the stain, but never got it done. The "cancer" took priority over everything. Just wanted to get him better and move on with our future. His life was our only concern.

To have to move during such a raw emotional time; my heart breaks for those of you going through that. Have enough to worry about and grieve without that. I hope I can afford to say in my house. The bills don't go away - they keep coming and coming and coming.  Like Carrie, we were to be married this year also, so do not have any benefits. My salary alone is not even close to what Jim and I made together. It just plain sucks.

georgia; I drive past places we went together so often and just cry and my stomach just hurts; I can picture us there and enjoying ourselves. It's a pain that cannot be described. Didn't realize Johnny passed away the same day you moved out; the strength needed to manage that. Many blessings to you.

Peace and strength to all of us - my "new" friends


Jap Jr's - Kay
« Last Edit: March 02, 2009, 01:40:13 PM by Jap Jr »

Michelle C

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2009, 04:02:15 PM »
Ray (and to everyone else)...

U know that my heart breaks for you... Clarence once told me that memories are in the heart... not in the place. I didn't agree with him then but I do now... Nothing can take his love away from me.. and Nothing can take Patty's from you....Not those selfish children... Not a heartless in-law not even a greedy brother or sister. Those dreams were ours... Those tears were ours... Every good time.. Every bad time.. belongs to us... and only US.

In the hospital his son, who did not visit him here while he was sick, wanted his cell phone.... the very next day wanted his motorcycle... before his wake... he wanted his clothes...   I gave him the "stuff" he wanted because he will never replace his dad by holding onto a piece of clothing...

I was holding his hand in the middle of night... I was rubbing his stomach when he was in pain... I was drying his tears when he was praying for some release...

So you see...
No matter where we go... no matter what path we go down...
Even in a new house...

In the back of our mind... In the middle of our thoughts.... In a phrase or a song... our love ones are there... Never leaving... Patty's there Ray




Jap Jr

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Re: Leaving our home...it hurts bad
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2009, 08:13:50 PM »
michelle;

That is beautiful and it's no wonder why you loved Laurence so much; he was a wise person and could see good in alot of things it sounds like. You are correct in the material things, but for me right now, some of those are getting me by; like a shirt, pillow and  blanket; just knowing it was his. In time.

Jim is always there on my mind, in my thoughts ....... no one can ever take that away, or the memories of us.

thanks michelle;

Jap Jr's - Kay