frustrated with mom surviving parent

[greengirl2]

First of all, I have to admit that I am a total idiot and apparently forgot my log in password and could not get back onto this blog for awhile. I finally just set up a new account.  My brain seems to have a lot of trouble since my Dad died in December.
  Just tonight I was so frustrated with my mom. I love her and have been trying so hard to help her, but she  has not changed. She is my only parent left so I try to appreciate her on all levels. But she continues to just shut me up as soon as I try to say my opinion on anything. And she continues to view any possible good or fun news with skepticism and criticism.  My friend's wedding is in July and I am a bridesmaid for the first time. I tried to distract my mom from all her stress and sadness so I sent her a web link to the dress. The first thing she says is, "is that the dress??". She doesn't say it is or isn't pretty. And then she instantly asks if I have to buy it and what I am I going to do with it after I wear it for the day. ugh. She can't just be happy or just comment on the dress?  My parents were both always instantly responding to most things in my life with criticism or skepticism so I shouldn't expect anything different from my mom just because my dad died. 
  I also realized tonight that my mom is using me as her "pseudo counseler" without realizing it. I am not qualified and I myself am going to two counselers in fact! One is because I am trying to join a bereavement group but they make you do one on one first and the other was recommended to me from a friend and I really like her (the counseler) a lot so I will keep going until I run out of money.

I miss my Dad so much.  I keep wondering if he is ok wherever he is. I keep hoping he will be in more of my remembered dreams. So far I have only had one dream with him and the instant I woke up I forgot it.

I don't need any reply to this, but it does help to be here and just shout stuff out to people who would understand where I am coming from.

I also have to rant about hospital bills. They just keep bombarding my mom left and right with these bills. It is also very confusing b/c my Dad spent time in TWO hospitals, it's a complicated and long story.  And the second hospital they thought my Dad was on medicare but he wasn't b/c he was under my mom's insurance, but they never asked us and now we keep getting bill after bill and my mom keeps having to call all these people and tell them her insurance information for my Dad.  It seems like we try to move on after someone dies, but some things won't let you, like bills from the hospital.

I think that if someone dies, you should not have to pay the bills. I don't know who would pay, but I Just feel so mad right now about hospital bills. 

thanks for reading or whatever.

sad and frustrated greengirl

[patchoulipenny]

hello, I know you said you didn't require a reply but i just wanted to tell you I really feel for you. My story is the FATHER SUICIDE WHEN I WAS 4 and a lot of how you describe your mom is so similar to my own mom.

My mom also died in December but i'm not grieving for her at all really - if you read mine you'll understand why but I also wanted to share with you that it also took us SIX MONTHS to pay off the vets bill after our darling siamese kitten maya as run over.  It was for her neutering, her fur had not even grown back properly when she died.  I honestly thought the vets would say, 'we understand and don't want to take your money for a kitten who is dead' but that was stupid because business is business but it hurt a lot, so i totally understand what you say.

All i can suggest is asking if another member of the family, uncle or so might take over dealing with the financial side and another is could you get away from your mom for a few days into nature and the countryside? nature is such a healer especially if you are in the northern hemisphere now and can enjoy the bursting of new life all around.

i hope your counselling works and things become easier for you, with every cell in my body, take care of yourself, Penny

[sevenofwands]

Greengirl:

I echo what Penny has said.

I am sure you have a lot on your mind, as I can see from reading your post.

You say: "My parents were both always instantly responding to most things in my life with criticism or skepticism so I shouldn't expect anything different from my mom just because my dad died.  "

It is very sad.

All the best
Seven

[georgiapeaches]

Greengirl,
I'm sorry you are having it so hard, as for hospital bills, Still getting them after a year, phone calls, they dont stop either, buisness is buisness, they just dont care. it is very sad. Hang in there, were all here for you.

Georgia.

[friedgen]

I am sooo sorry for your hurt.  I am a surviving mom with a daughter and son.  I lost my husband to a motorcycle accident in August of 2008.  I know too well of the continuing and never ending hospital bills.  The last one came a few weeks ago after almost 7 months.  The frustration was enormous and I know my kids saw my frustration.  My husband was also in two different hospitals until he lost his fight with his injuries.  My daughter is 13 going on 14 and has been amazing.  Both of my children have listened and supported me when I am at my lowest and crying my eyes out.  I feel sooo bad, hoping that I am not giving them too much.  I have them in counseling and the counselor has brought me in with them to help us communicate so I can let them be kids and hopefully not weigh them down.  I would suggest trying some counseling with you and your mom together.  Having a professional 3rd party has opened the lines of communication between my kids and I, and helped me to see things that I was not seeing right away, especially right after the accident.  Try to be patient with your mom.  The pain of losing the one you have chosen to spend your life with runs so deep it is indescribable, as is your pain.  Hopefully, with some joint counseling she can put some of her focus back on you.  Do not give up on your mom.  Having our kids is what gets us through the days and nights when we have to be by ourselves.  Coming here is a huge help as well.  Come here and vent.   I hope you and your mom can find some peace and comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

Friedgen