hello again and HUGE thanks to the 3 people who replied. i can add a few details from then that might shed more light on things too. my mother's anger at my father was definitely aimed at the youngest with the least speech. she gave me a blood nose 1 day because being an obstinate scorpio and because i now know, having studied a bit of child psychology, that i was trying to take back control. anyhow, i refused to put my toys away (remember i was just 4, I know now that is way too young to expect a child to tidy a whole bedroom, I still help and supervise my 7 year old with hers!) so she scooped me and the toys together and flung us into the cupboard - i hit my nose on the shelf -blood everywhere. Another time, she smacked me and I smacked back!!! So I was walloped anywhere and everywhere, down the passage and sent to my room. Later in life I tried to discuss this with my mother -- I became a single mom, had only her parenting skills to go by and realised I had taken my frustration out on my own oldest child at times. I became determined to be a 100% better parent than my own mother had been - I wrote a letter to my oldest when she was 8 apologising to her for times I'd taken things out on her. She actually forgave me and told me she understood how hard it was for me (sometimes I went up to 5 days without food, as I only had enough for baby food)!! We have since found out she is gifted!!
my pride and joy studying art in London.
At this stage I went into a childcare career and have broken the chain of abuse by learning to handle children without using pain or fear to control them.
When I did try to speak to my mother about this, she denied all and said my memory was messed up but I have since found out that my older sister remembers these incidents, because she hid away and kept out of it so she didn't get any of it.
My saving grace was when my mother remarried to a wonderful man who was/is brilliant with children - a natural teacher, never lifted a hand to me and my mother never did again with 'an adult witness' in the house.
There is so much more grief and tragedy in every year of my life I can not put it all down today. One reason being, I slipped in the shower on the 29th of december and shattered my shoulder bones and many fractures down arm, had 2 ops on it and I'm still in the sling week 10 so typing is hard because it had to be my right shoulder and needless to say, I'm right handed!!
I realised my mother thought her parenting was the best, my sisters still agree to this day that smacking is the only way to discipline a child or dog or even a cat -- drives me nuts!!! Anyway, I also realised I would
never get an apology from her and if I kept hating her for it (I used to lie in bed at night as a teenager begging for her to die in the night!) I would become a bitter and twisted, lonely person so about 2 years ago, I forgave her in my head and heart, realising it was the only way she knew how to parent and that finding your husband hanging in the garage must have been a pure nightmare to her.
Terry I thank you for your compassion, I truly do as its not easily found. Georgia I have been on Fentanyl (Duragesic patches) for shoulder op and they made my dreams not nice at all. I usually love my good dreams and there are a handful a year, I know are important and I should heed. I've also been through the withdrawal for this pain patch, known to be 100 times stronger than morphine over the last 2 weeks -- horrific, internet is filled with people in the same boat and withdrawal is very similar to heroin withdrawal i.e. HORRIFIC -- lesson learned here, never put a chemical into your body without fully researching it first!! LOL!!
I have an uncanny rapport with autistic kids (and babies) especially those with no language around 2 to 4 years (autistics), I have this same rapport with animals. I have done a lot of work with autistic children but find I get too emotionally involved in the family and have had
bad problems with this too! So now I do a breakfast club from home and work at the after school club at my youngests school.
Seven - very interested in your name as Tarot readings have given me uncanny results from all 4 times I've had one done by friends!
Thank you all for your wishes of peace too.
Have tried counselling but dunno if its that in UK they are nowhere near like what you see in films, they never really give advice, they just ask you to speak and keep on with 'how did/does that make you feel' -- all questions and never any bloody answers!!!
My husband, who must be one of the most eccentric men on the planet has/maybe doc still not sure mild bi-polar or at the very least drug resistant depression - we are now each others counsellors as both of us for 20 odd years have tried professional help but it just hasn't done anything for either of us. The horrors he has been through would also make you cringe but he now works with homeless teenagers and is brilliant at his job - he takes no orders from anyone, does all his way and if anyone doesn't like that then pity them! LOL! So it is interesting that we are in similar fields in helping children, especially those who are vulnerable.
another point, I was not allowed to attend my fathers funeral, we were not allowed to speak about it and I only found out the real story when I was 16 - it affected every relationship i had with a boy/man because I was extremely possesive and paranoid with serious abandonment issues. It was only after I'd been with my husband fro 5 years, that i/we finally understood and got over this with him reassuring me he wasn't going anywhere. If he had not become the only person in the world who seems to understand me and my issues, I'd probably still be messing up relationships one after the other!
Unfortunately I can't work now with my shoulder as surgeons said, if you were at a desk it would be ok but playing with kids the risk is too great, i might fall and break all again. My husband is also off work as he had a mental breakdown in Dec '07 - I shan't give details other than to say, a truly awful thing, of the worst kind was done to him when called up for compulsory airforce service in South Africa - he had completely blocked it but memories started resurfacing until they were full blown 'films' in a way.
over the last year he has tried every medicine possible but nothing works -- Lithium is his last resort but he's too scared to take it.
every day seems like we have not one problem/issue but usually several to deal with - when i can i'm going to write a book of our childhood years, how we came to be together and the further difficulties we've endured together - it wil be better than any soap/drama yet made, I'm quite sure but I always said I would wait until my mother died to write it as she would say it was all lies.
thank you all for your kind words, I enjoyed reading the responses immensely, I wish you all a happy day
left hand VERY TIRED!!