Author Topic: I miss my brother  (Read 13326 times)

hurtinginside83

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I miss my brother
« on: February 10, 2009, 06:10:30 PM »
My name is Nick and my older brother Will was killed in a car accident on January 16th 2006. My brother and I were pretty much connected at the hips. We did everything together. We even worked together. I had decided to take a week of vacation from work, and the very first day of vacation my brother was killed coming home from work. He had just gotten the car of his dreams a 2000 Honda S2000. I have to admit it was a really nice car and I was very happy for him. That Monday it was raining and because Will had just gotten the car he was not used to the power associated with it. He was also not used to a rear wheel drive car either. From the police report he was trying to pass another vehicle and he downshifted and stomped on the gas pedal. Well he ended up starting to loose control. He tried correcting but ended up overcorrecting sending him spinning into oncoming traffic. He was doing approximately 40 miles an hour when he hit a semi head on. The semi's right headlight ended up crusing Will's skull causing him to die instantly. My family had moved to another city prior to his accident so his drivers license address was not updated. His accident happened around 3:10 p.m. and we were not notified until after 7 p.m. that night. My family hadn't heard from Will when we usually do hear from eachother if we were going to do something just so everyone is informed. My dad who also works at the same place was driven to work so I went to pick him up. My mom ended up hearing from a good friend of Will's that there was a car accident on "C" street that involved a black S2000. The bad news was that the driver of the car was killed. My mom became worried. She started calling various hospitals in the area to check if anyone named William Barnett Jr. had been admitted. After about a half hour of being on the phone with hospitals she was beeped with the King County Medical Examiner. She answered and was asked if she was related to a William Barnett Jr. she said yes he's my son. He told her he regreted to inform her that he was killed in a car accident. Now I was never aware of this because I went to pick my dad up from work. I heard from a couple of co-workers about the accident but I thought it could never have been Will. All the sudden my dad jumps in my car and tells me we gotta go, Will was involved in a car accident and is at the hospital. I can still recall the exact words my dad said to me before he broke down and starting crying. He said "We gotta go, Will was in a car accident and is in the hospital, they're saying that he is dead". It took all that I had not to start crying myself because in the mean time I am driving. I kept denying it to myself, I thought Will's not dead they have the wrong person. Right when we got home, I saw my mom at the front door just sobbing. That's when I knew it was for real, that my older brother Will was dead. I held my emotions in as long as I could and then I just broke down and started crying myself. For a couple of days I blamed myself for his death. I thought maybe if I hadn't taken vacation Will would still be alive today. But then I thought to myself, if I was in the car with him my parents would probably have 2 dead sons. On one hand I was glad I was not in the car but on the other hand I was pissed that Will had to die. He had just graduated college a year ago and was on his road to being a pilot. Why did his life have to be cut so short? I ended up leaving the job that we were at because I could not deal with drivng past the crash site and continuing to work where there were so many memories. I keep telling my mom that I've dealt with my brothers death but I honestly don't think I have dealth with it all the way. I know my brothers dead and I know I can never bring him back, but I still have a hard time living my life without him being here with me. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

georgiapeaches

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2009, 06:44:58 PM »
Dear Nick,
I'm so sorry about your brother Will. Its so sad. I'm sorry for your mom and dad, I couldnt imagine how it feels to loose a child. You do know in no way was it your fault. You cant blame yourself. I lost my husband of 20 years last April and me and my children miss him so much. This is such a hard journey to be on. I sorry that you have to go through this. You and your brother sounded like you were pretty close. I'm glad you came here for support, you and your family are in my prayers.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Jeanneb

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2009, 05:47:55 PM »
Dear Nick,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother, Nick.  I can see by your post that his 2nd angel date is fast approaching.  While we never stop thinking of them, somehow when these special dates come along it causes us to really reflect and the why's seem to come back strongly.

I lost my brother over 12 years ago... he too was killed in a car accident.  He was driving his pride and joy 67' corvette, lost control and flipped.  He was only 2 miles from home.

Then 5 years ago I lost my youngest son, Philip also to a car accident. It was a beautiful sunny Saturday morning when his truck left the road and he overcompensated and went across 4 lanes of traffic into an oncoming vehicle.  He was 17 and just about to enter his senior  year in high school.

I truly understand how you feel.  It all just seems so wrong and even after these years have past, I miss them both so much and can be back at that awful day in a flash.  I try very hard not to take the road where my brother was killed but my son's accident is on a major thoroughfare.... his bestfriend put up a cross at the scene and I make sure it is kept in top shape and put flowers out every couple of months.  I'll go Saturday and put some red roses for Valentine's day... he was always his momma's little valentine.

You know it is perfectly ok for boys/men to cry.  One way we remember our son on his angel date is that we gather at the cross and send up balloons.  I have another son and daughter and now they have children and it helps us all to be together that day.

I hope as time passes your memories will bring more smiles than tears.  Please remember to hug your mom and dad just a little xtra tight.

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

Luvinmike

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2009, 06:06:17 PM »
Thinking of you Nick, and prayers for your strength. Terri

hurtinginside83

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2009, 08:19:55 PM »
Hey Jeanneb, you know it's pretty sad, my family put up a cross at the crash site of my brother the day of the burial. It was a nice wood cross, had my brother's name, birthday and the day he died painted on it. My dad pounded it in the ground. Maybe a couple days later someone had taken the cross out of the ground. We never did find it. My family thought, who could go so low to steal a cross from a crash site? Now we hardly ever go to the crash site. We have plans to put up another cross and this time we are gonna cement it into a big bucket and bury the bucket in the ground. We just have yet to do it. I just always wanted to know who could be so low to take a cross dedicated to someone who lost their life in a car accident away? To me that was very disrespectful and it hurt alot. I hope that does not happen with the next cross we put up.

Luvinmike

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2009, 05:48:30 PM »
Nick, I am so sorry about the cross. That is so truly sad. Please try to remind yourself what we say to each other in my family-"Love never dies." Sending you strength. Terri

luvtuskee

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Hi there. I miss my brother too. I was closer to my brother Michael than just about anyone on earth. He had a kidney disease and I donated a kidney 12 years ago. All was well with no rejection he was doing great..and they suddenly one day, he started having some issues/rejections and went to the hospital. Unfortunately I live 1000 miles away. I called him the day he went into the hospital and a nurse answered the phone. She told me my brother was in cardiac arrest at that very moment!.. (I coulld hear the beeping of the monitor in the background and commotion in his room). His doctor got on the phone and told me that my brother was the worst he had ever seen him and needed to hang up....the next call I received, which was in within 5 minutes, was to tell me Michael had passed away! If I had just called sooner, one day, one hour... I could have talked to him...Like you, I never got to say "goodbye".He was my very best friend and I miss him so much. I am really stuggling because in the past 5 years I have lost my Pastor to brain cancer, 2 close friends to cancer and tragic car accident respectively,  my father-in law and my mother in law (both quite sudden). I am spent too...and have moments where I can deal OK, and other days where I am soooo sad and depressed. My parents are now in their 90's and I know I must face their passing very soon... I'm rambling...what I really want to say to you is this, when you need to cry and/or scream let it out and if you don't have anyone to talk to, come here and write. It's good for the soul. I hope you are doing better. Baby steps as someone said in another blog...and just let it out. I honor you and your brother.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2009, 08:43:35 PM by luvtuskee »

ladybug1984

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2009, 09:11:29 PM »
Hello Nick.  I'm so sorry about your loss.  I can imagine that driving past that crash site is very painful.  I lost my older sister on January 21st, and I still haven't been able to go in her house and see where she was sick and alone.  So, to me you are very brave for facing that painful place.  Hopefully someday I can be that brave.

My younger sis works for a city Department of Transportation, and at times, memorials, signs, and things of that nature can be removed if the DOT determines that it's a risk to drivers, such as if it is a visual obstacle.  Or, it could have been something like a grass cutting crew or brush trimming.  Whoever it was, I wish they had a bit more respect and put it back if it was in their way or something.  I would check with your local DOT if it's alright to put a memorial marker there near the road.  And hopefully next time it will stay there permanently.  My heart and prayers are with you.

My Darling Sister....I will never meet anyone in my entire life as strong and brave as you. I will regret the rest of my life never telling you that.

hurtinginside83

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2009, 10:18:52 PM »
Ok I feel like I have to let this out and I don't want to sound selfish or anything like that. I feel like ever since my brother passed away things have gotten worse in the family. My family is slowly but surely starting to fall apart. And honestly it's starting to anger me, I just want things to go back to where they were but I know that's never going to happen given my older brother is no longer here with us. I've also accrued credit card debt and a repossed vehicle which I did voluntarily. This all happened after my brother died and as bad as I feel saying this I feel like my debt is the result of my brothers death. I feel like if he was still alive I wouldn't be in debt and I'd probably have my own place, maybe with my older brother. Am I so wrong to feel the way I do?

georgiapeaches

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2009, 03:33:07 AM »
Dear Hurting,
Grief makes you feel all sorts of emotions, as bad as it sounds I was mad at my husband for awhile, can you imagine? being mad at my husband because he died and left me alone to handle 3 teens, everything alll alone for the rest of my life! but yes I was. but its just part of the grief cycle. Its normal. and yes , theres going to be more, its just like a rollercoaster so hold on. But it does get alittle easier. I feel like I was cheated and didnt have a chance to grieve for my husband because there was so many problems occuring at once. But they subside, and your head evens out and you eventually learn or try to learn how to deal with things alittle better. If you need to vent ,which we all need to do when one of these problems sneak up on us though, do it (we all do) it makes you feel better, just write what you want on here, even if it makes no sense at all, we understand what your going through, we are here for you.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Jeanneb

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2009, 09:03:15 AM »
Nick,

What you are feeling is normal to me.  I'm so sorry that someone would take down the cross... that is the lowest of lows.  Ours is buried in cement and we have a plague on it with his name, dates, etc.  It is a spot I am so protective of and many people let me know they are watching. 

I think we all wish things would go back to the way our lives and families were before that dreadful event.  But we enter a new phase so to speak and usually kicking and screaming along the way.   This new normal can just plain suck at times if you ask me.

Our family has changed so much and not always on the good side of what I'd like.  Philip's death was a catalyst for some of what has become and his older brother and sister have handled things not so well along the way.  It was probably about 4 years before I heard life calling me back.  I can just say be patient and keep talking... most of all just keep talking with your family.  As a parent's perspective here... keep sharing your memories with them... we really really need that.

Just know I care and understand,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

hurtinginside83

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2009, 10:23:07 PM »
I'm going to take some people's advice to just vent. The one thing that is starting to really anger me is the problems in my family. My dad, my younger brother and I don't really seem to have any problems communicating and just being around one another but once my mom is around it's like we are all at eachother's throats. Now I have no clue what my mom is going through with her grieving process but I feel like she is the main reason for alot of our famliy problems, like she doesn't want any of us to be happy if she's not happy. Now there is another reason why she has been irritated if you will. She's having surgery next month on her shoulder the surgery is for her "rotater cuff". The number one thing that is extremely annoying right now is that she recently cleaned all 3 of our bathrooms. Now no one in our household told her to clean the bathrooms but now after the fact she is complaining her shoulder hurts and is having a hard time sleeping, basically taking her pain out on us in the house. It's really starting to piss me off. And when I tell her that she decided to clean on her own possibly damaging her shoulder even more all she tells me is to "shut up". I have made the decision that I'm going to try and enlist in the military and the biggest reason is because I have to get the hell out of the house. I just can't stand the family problems anymore and I need to get out and grow as a person and the military will help with that. I feel bad doing that but at this point I have to do what's best for me. I mean hell I hardly hear from my little sister anymore which is a whole other argument which my mom is pissed about. I want to ask people on this site, what would you all do in my situation? I'm sorry I'm just pissed off right now  >:( can you tell?

georgiapeaches

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2009, 06:06:57 AM »
Dear Hurting,
I can only give my perspective from a mothers point of veiw,(sorry) when my husband died last april, we were all devastasted. Since then we have all been going through all the stages of greif, but I can tell you I have mostly been angry, and if my kids get in the way, they get it, and its over stupid things like their messy rooms, then afterwards the guilt is so overwelming, and I do apoligize. Thats why I have started seeing a therepist, so I can react allittle differently. I'm not saying thats whats going on with your mom, but I think she must be hurting bad, and with her up coming surgery, cleaning might be taking her mind off things, but then she hurts her shoulder and she takes it out on you guys ( just my thought) . Maybe just sit down and tell her how you feel before jumping to anything. Like I said I just know my situation , so yours might be totally different. Hope this helped.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Luvinmike

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2009, 01:58:11 PM »
Dearest Nick,
     I cannot give you any better perspectives than the wise words by the others here on this thread, but I will tell you i care. i care and i am praying you will eventually feel more peaceful and the love in your family will be more clear. I do not have grief counseling experience but I would imagine a famiy may go through lots of turmoil, anger, pain of course and many unexpected stressors due to the premature death of a dearly loved family member.
So, I believe your parents are trying to cope, they love you so much- it is obvious from your notes. Your Mom is probably doing her best to just hang in there right now. I don't think anyone should say,"Shut up," but her short fuse is best not to take personally. I reread your posts and I am just so sorry for you and your family. As far as the military please remember that in grief it is wise to give some time and ability to think clearly (usually a year) especially because the reasons you put for wanting to go do not match what the military needs nor yourself. Please consider the military as an excellent choice to further your career, education and service to your country, but I would hate for you to sign on and commit if it is not right for you. Just give it a little time okay? How old are you if I may ask? I lost my husband and his five siblings are struggling. It is so hard, and scary and confusing how we all feel in this grief.
I am praying you can find some work or optimism w/ your debt and also that your family can pull together in this. Maybe as your Mom recovers from the surgery things will get a little easier. Rotator cuff is known to be so painful- she must be emotionally and physically drained. And you are clearly in deep grief with the loss of your brother, friend and life as you knew it.

You will come through this. We all care. Keep writing- we all want to hear from you. Prayers Nick. Terri

Kenny

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Re: I miss my brother
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2009, 09:00:54 AM »
Hey Nick,
Maybe you all just need a break from each other and this would definitly give you one. The only thing is, don't forget about Iraq and Afghanistan. If you join, no matter what they tell you -- you might end up in a battlefield fighting and killing. Or getting killed or wounded. This is only one option. But I think you are on the right track in wanting to get away for awhile. Live your life. And don't give up.

peace and love,
Kenny