Author Topic: Need your advice  (Read 6197 times)

Penny - Sean's Mom

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Need your advice
« on: February 07, 2009, 01:46:55 AM »
It's been 3 years, 1 month, 11 days which seems like a lifetime yet somehow seems like yesterday since Sean moved on.

When his personal effects were returned to us they included the engagement ring he planned to give to C.  We gave that ring to her and she wore it for a year or so that I'm aware of.  During this time C was very close to me as her family was not supportive and she was grieving.  She told me that she'd always keep me close because I was her last link to Sean.

Fast forward to a few months ago when I received the call from C that she was expecting.  She'd due in March but has been battling premature labor for several weeks now.  I'm a portrait photographer and I somehow promised C that I'd do her pregnancy photos...but that's next weekend.  Tomorrow is her baby shower and somehow I just can't seem to find it in myself to attend.  I know she wants me there and part of my heart wants to be there but I just don't think I can do it.  My best friend promised to go with me but now she's bailed so it's up to me.  I just don't think I can sit there with the mask on and say the right things and smile the right smiles when everything about the situation is SO WRONG.  I just want to run and escape...in fact my alternate plan is to escape by going to the local zoo...a place that my boys and I spent many, many happy hours.

So I need your opinions, and your opinions are going to hold weight with me.  You too are grieving parents.  Some of you have dealt with our kids girlfriends, boyfriends or spouses moving on.  I am so conflicted.  I don't know what Sean wants me to do.  I don't even know if Sean and C would still be together if he was here.  This is opening up a brand new hurt and I simply don't know what to do.  I don't know how to be there at that shower and I don't know what to say if I decide not to go.

Help?  Please?

Penny - Sean's Mom

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2009, 06:48:03 AM »
I think Sean would want you to do only what you feel you can handle.

If it is too much for you to go, then send a gift card or gift and just tell her your not up to it.

I sure understand how hard it can be. Thinking about what should have been.

If others don't understand then so be it. Most don't.

I do.

BIG HUGS,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

charlesafather

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2009, 06:49:42 AM »
penny;
 only you can decide what to do, i know my son's girlfriend at the time of his death she would not return even one peiece of his belongings. of corse at the time of his accident we were not seeing our son and hadnt for about 3 mo. long story but we had a restraing order on both of them. but now we do speak as i know how much my son loved her, she had moved on and still hasnt returned any of his belongings by, now i am sure they are long gone.
but as for us we do speak as i said just because of the conection to our son's last love.
                              charlesafather

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2009, 08:40:25 AM »
((Penny)) My Adam had a long time gf and I always had mixed feelings about it & their relationship. I knew her since she was 15 and you develop affection for the friends your kids bring around, esp. one that your child hands his heart to.  I understand her grief to the extent that I can b/c honestly I feel mine is above all as Adam's Mom. I hope that his gf moves on one day and finds a true love, happiness and a family. I can't imagine being in your position and it is very possible that sometime down the road I just might be. What a dilemma. I think that to safeguard your fragile emotional state you can pass & not attend. Send a gift, lovely written card and the young lady will understand. If she doesn't quite get it now, down the road as her own motherhood journey progresses she will.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

tsoley

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2009, 10:59:34 AM »
Penny,

I understand your feelings quite well. My advice to you would be for you to call the girlfriend, since you are still close, and explain to her that it would be very painful for you to attend this shower. Maybe tell her that you could visit her when her and the baby come home? Just do something that will not bring so much pain stabbing thru your heart. It will be so very hard for you to sit thru that shower and think about all the "what if's." She will understand because she knows how much you love and miss your son. I've been there.....it hurts something awful.....go to the zoo....if that was your first thought, then go there....could it be possible since that was your first thought that Sean would want you to be there close to him? My heart goes out to you as you struggle with this. I can only tell you what worked for me and that was to not attend the party, to go be close to my son instead. Now I can see the girlfriend and talk with her and hold the child and all that. There is not so much pain associated with the child, although everytime I see her and the child, I still think of all the "what if's." I don't think that will ever go away.
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

nancy/Patricks mom

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2009, 01:47:59 PM »
Penny,
I am somewhat in the same boat  my son and his girlfriend broke up a few months before he died she went back to her former boyfriend  they talked everyday since her and the old boyfriend whom she married did not get along they had a baby and for the longest we wondered if it was my sons because the time line was to close to call  but now her and her husband are trying to work it out  she has never called me to say she is sorry i dont know what i would do or say if i ran into her if you dont feel like you can go then i wouldnt  i dont feel you owe her a big explanation just say right now you can not do it maybe later on or maybe just one on one you could see her go where she is regestered and have them send a gift  dont worry yourself over this to much she will move on which she is young and she should but you have to take care of yourself
NANCY/JOHNATHAN PATRICKS MOM/3-31-87 - 12-08-07

rita-grammy

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2009, 03:07:53 PM »
I understand .. how hard it must be and I think I would do what's best for me and she should be able to understand your pain. My daughter's live in boyfriend told her he no longer wanted a relationship with her and told her to move out. She commited suicide two weeks later.  he seemed to take her death very hard and we tried to include him in all the arrangements and my grandson still visit's with him and talks to him on the phone. ( he is not his father) the reason we did this is because my Becca loved him and we knew that. As far as him going on with his life we expect that to happen but, I don't think we will be that close, I prefer not to know and it's just easier for all if we just go our seperate ways. I would go with my heart and you know what you can deal with and what you can't there is just no sense in causing yourself more pain, Lord knows we are all going through enough pain right now without trying to take care of  others, we need to protect ourselves from more pain.

I wish you all the best
Rita
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Annie1973

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2009, 10:35:36 PM »
Dear Penny,
I agree with Jordans mom. Go to the zoo, she will not hold any hard feelings, you do what you can and nothing more.
Love, Annie (Dans mom)
Much love,
Annie (Dans mom)

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2009, 10:56:30 PM »
Going on this journey I have learned that you might think you can and even want to so badly do some things.. but there are many times you will have to say I can't do it, I'm sorry I thought I could but it's too hard.. She will be ok..... you have to take care of you... Love, Brenda

Penny - Sean's Mom

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2009, 01:10:23 PM »
Thank you all for your kind replies.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

I ended up telling C that I really thought I'd be able to go but I just couldn't do it.  She seemed okay with it and I still plan to take her pregnancy portraits next weekend.  I'm pretty sure I'll be okay with that.  It'll be just the two of us and I can mentally treat it as just another job if I have to.

I didn't end up at the zoo but I did end up sleeping in then taking a 4 mile run (with a new personal best time).  After I showered I took my black lab Dexter to a huge dog park nearby and spent an hour or so there playing. 

Now I know we all look for signs all the time and I might be pushing it here but...Sean grew up with our dog Jake.  Jake was a gentle Doberman that absolutely loved Sean.  When Sean moved out he still came back to walk and play with Jake.  He even got into trouble with his apartment manager for having Jake visit one day at his place.  Three days after Sean died, Jake walked out the front door, went to the next door neighbor's house (Sean's best friend), laid down and died.  I've always said that Sean reached back for him and the photo at Sean's party (no funerals for us) was of him and Jake. 

So I've gone to this dog park many times and never ever saw a Dobie there.  In fact I've never found a Dobie at any of the dog parks I've visited.  Yesterday about 5 minutes after we got there a beautiful young Dobie came up and simply stood there looking at me.  She was gorgeous and so sweet.  She and Dexter played together most of the time we were there.  She would come back to me rather than her owners to check in which her owners commented on.  Like I said, I may be pushing it a bit but I don't think it was an accident that she was there and that she got on so well with both me and my dog.  I believe it was a sign from Sean reassuring me that I did the right thing yesterday and that he and Jake are having fun but are still checking in on me.   I like that...

Wishing each of you Peace...

Penny - Sean's Mom

tsoley

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2009, 02:37:23 PM »
Penny,
I am so very glad that you got a sign from your dear Sean!!!Praise God!
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

Jeanneb

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2009, 05:12:15 PM »
((((OH PENNY))))

I don't think you are pushing a thing.

I believe Sean sent you a beautiful sign.

What a wonderful treasure and sounds like a pretty perfect day after all.

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2009, 09:20:28 PM »
I cannot be of much help here. I know how difficult it has been for me to see Charlies little girlfriend grow up and mature without him. He was only 10 when he died, but they had been boyfriend/girlfriend since 2nd grade (3 years) and he rode her home on his bike pegs that last year he was alive, every day after school. She has turned into a beautiful teenager and still wears Charlies baseball hat that she asked us for after the funeral.
All I can tell you is this...you MUST do whatever you feel you can do. You owe nothing to anyone and those who truly care will understand. Sending strength and peace.

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2009, 10:32:20 PM »
Penny, I have goosebumps all over, that is a sign from Sean....

SueH

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Re: Need your advice
« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2009, 04:08:21 PM »
HI
Basically... I would go with your 'gut' feeling. What ever your intuition tells you to do.. do that.  That is the only way since my Sara passed that gets me through.
It is a relief to be able to just go with your intuition. I think there is actually a lot more to it, but regardless, it works for me. I had to think about 'ME' instead of others, and only do what I felt was right for me.
So, my advice to you is do what you feel is right for you... don't worry about what others may think... and don't let anyone make you feel bad for having 'your' own feelings, and what you want to do. It's YOUR life.
I had to deal with my daughters boyfriend and things for a few years... and it was a very hard thing to do. And.. still is.

Sue *Sara's* Mom
"yep yep yep"