I'm pretty sure that most of you who have re-entered life feel this way. The feeling of participating and being able to act by rote and be able to disassociate yourself at the same time. For example, today is Adam's 29th month of leaving us. I went immediately to his grave after work and then feeling so chilled curled up under the covers, even a cup of tea couldn't take the chill out of me. I think that a part of me knows that whatever condition my sons remains are in at this point is frozen with my NY weather and while I don't consciously think of it, it is there inside me that thought. I wanted to stay in bed for the remainder of the day/night. I got multiple calls asking me to join my co-workers for a b-day dinner celebration and after saying no to them throughout the week, I consented and went. I can make the small talk, laugh and at the same time feel my thoughts floating around as if separate from my body thinking WTF am I doing here. 29 months ago I wouldn't have been. Should I remind them all of what this date means to me? By all accounts I should be reasonably happy. Liked enough by people who want to include me and under a different set of circumstances that would have meant a lot to me. I appreciate it but the sadness and longing and this anxious feeling inside of me outweighs all. It is such an odd, unusual, uncomfortable life we lead as bereaved parents. Where is our happy fairy tale ending?
Topic: Odd feelings within (Read 3766 times)
