Author Topic: Odd feelings within  (Read 3049 times)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Odd feelings within
« on: February 06, 2009, 08:41:09 PM »
I'm pretty sure that most of you who have re-entered life feel this way. The feeling of participating and being able to act by rote and be able to disassociate yourself at the same time. For example, today is Adam's 29th month of leaving us. I went immediately to his grave after work and then feeling so chilled curled up under the covers, even a cup of tea couldn't take the chill out of me. I think that a part of me knows that whatever condition my sons remains are in at this point is frozen with my NY weather and while I don't consciously think of it, it is there inside me that thought. I wanted to stay in bed for the remainder of the day/night. I got multiple calls asking me to join my co-workers for a b-day dinner celebration and after saying no to them throughout the week, I consented and went. I can make the small talk, laugh and at the same time feel my thoughts floating around as if separate from my body thinking WTF am I doing here. 29 months ago I wouldn't have been. Should I remind them all of what this date means to me? By all accounts I should be reasonably happy. Liked enough by people who want to include me and under a different set of circumstances that would have meant a lot to me. I appreciate it but the sadness and longing and this anxious feeling inside of me outweighs all. It is such an odd, unusual, uncomfortable life we lead as bereaved parents. Where is our happy fairy tale ending?
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

lainie

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Re: Odd feelings within
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2009, 02:36:57 AM »
I know exactly what you mean Paula.
Elaine
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Odd feelings within
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2009, 06:33:36 AM »
Paula,

I sure understand.

Dottie Tammie's Mom

tsoley

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Re: Odd feelings within
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2009, 11:04:53 AM »
Oh yes, I understand well. I often dissassociate myself from people and things and just "play the part." That way people will "leave me along with my grief." If that makes any sense?

Tammy
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

nancy/Patricks mom

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Re: Odd feelings within
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2009, 01:27:26 PM »
paula, there is a place in my mind and heart that are only for my son  i get through wh at i have to but i am  always reverting back to that place reserved for only us 2  and having that i am able to go on with life and laugh if i have to  i dont know if this makes sence or not or if i have explained it right  but losing a child is like somebody just knocked the wind right out of you  and you never get it back  i work with elderly and they have helped so i am able to talk to them they have all been there that helps if someone has not lost a child they have no clue what you are going through and as much as they try and want to they can never understand sorry for rambling but i know how you feel  and i think i will feel like this the rest of my life and i think i have the right to do so
NANCY/JOHNATHAN PATRICKS MOM/3-31-87 - 12-08-07

rita-grammy

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Re: Odd feelings within
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2009, 03:15:02 PM »
So many times I have told people just leave me alone with my pain. I agree with Nancy people who have not lost their child do not understand it's a lonely hard painful road like no pain I have ever gone through. People have told me just get over it.... she was my child... a lifetime of memories. Now, I just explain to people , my memories, my pain , my child. I feel we have a right to our quiet moments to remember, to cry it helps us heal.

Love Rita
I'll love you for always
I'll like you forever
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Odd feelings within
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2009, 11:34:39 PM »
Yes, no matter where we go or who we're with , our child is on our mind.. always there.. and I often feel like an outsider playing a part in a movie...

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Odd feelings within
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2009, 09:24:09 PM »
I cant add much to whats already been sad, but at almost 5 years into this nightmare...I still feel the same exact things you decribed and more. Sending strength and peace.