Author Topic: So tired of the pettiness of this world  (Read 6114 times)

carrieset

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So tired of the pettiness of this world
« on: February 05, 2009, 01:34:14 AM »
It's me again.  It is 1:15 a.m. in Phoenix.  And I cannot sleep.  So will just ramble on about whatever comes to mind.

Since Laurence died I keep the tv on just for some noise in the background, but I am so tired of all of these celebrities and their petty stupid materialistic issues.  It makes me wonder how these people live these incredibly glamorous lives, travel everywhere, have tons of money, all of this fame, and yet they seem to be untouched by the "real" things in life; the real struggles of finances, health, etc.  As far as I'm concerned, when someone you love so much dies, you could care less if you are driving a Mercedes anymore.

I saw a re-run today of Oprah, where Jenny Garth wrote a book about her autistic son, which I have one, too.  And how they got him "detoxed" and how much better he was.  Well I checked into that a few years ago for my son and insurance doesn't cover it.  It costs a fortune.  A fortune I do not have.  Well, I just may write a book about how we "average" folks just have to cope.  Sounding a little bitter here, I guess.

Just venting and hope no one will be offended.  I am in the "life is not fair" moment.  Just trying to figure out the loss of someone who was not materialistic, loved the Lord with all of his heart, and died way too young, with so much to offer, and very tangible gifts that were never fulfilled.

I am a Christian woman, but am struggling with even going to church right now.  If I hear about healing, give your money and you will be blessed,  I am struggling..........  Hope God will show me the way on these things.

Thank you to all for all of your support and encouragement.  I am a single mom, almost 48 in a month, and starting over for the 3rd time????  Yikes.  Not what I signed up for.  But who of us did?  Has to be part of a greater plan.

Blessings, Carrie






void

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2009, 03:04:31 AM »
Hi Carrie,

I am a night owl, sometimes I don’t sleep at all. This is a new phenomenon since my husband died.

Don’t worry about your rambling, we are all different. I actually start to appreciate your postings, because I sense you are unpretentious and honest with your feelings.

I truly believe you will be okay. I agree with you, that you are in the “life is not fair moment”. But I am sure later you will have more time to chew, digest and reflect on what people said, who did what, and you will be able to throw away what is trivial and minute, therefore not worth one ounce of your energy mulling over, then at last what you should keep and treasure. Be good to yourself.

I will think of you, you are not alone.

void

sevenofwands

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2009, 04:43:05 AM »
Void:

I find your posts so insightful and refreshing. You understand so well what others are experiencing.

Yes, it is vital to be good to ourselves, in particular during these hard times. 

Seven

georgiapeaches

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2009, 06:06:49 AM »
Carrie,
The rich feel it probably more than we know, they are probably very lonely bitter people, money cant buy happiness or love. But I sure can use some of theirs  ;) !!!

I went through and sometimes still go through the "life isnt fair" mood. Its hard to start over at 43, and yes I do hope your right that there is saome bigger plan out there for us. (((hugs))) to you, get some sleep.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

laurenE

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2009, 06:19:46 AM »
Carrie,

Hugs to you hon.    This world can be a cruel and unfair place , for sure.  Seen it myself as well.    And I wish I could say that my faith wasn't questioned each time I had pain or unfairness in life,   but its simply not true.  I am also a christian and ...well.... sometimes I just dont get Gods ways, ya know?  I suppose we'll never know some of the answers of why He allows things.  Probably not til we get to heaven ourselves.   I have a list of questions a mile long.  And yea, maybe some scolding  for him as well.

But I guess through it all,  I just try to focus on the things I do know about Him...that He loved us enough to send His Son to die for us.  That He knows the number of hairs on our heads and  that He knows the number of tears we have ever shed.  I love that picture of Him when I am crying in pain.   Me kneeling, sobbing at His feet,  His hand on my shoulder for comfort, HIm holding out his hand, catching and counting every tear that falls.  In my mind it portrays a God who never meant for those things to happen to me,  but is still there for me, and always has been.  

God is not a vending machine.  Unlike a pepsi machine,  when we put our dollars in the offering,  we dont always get something we want, in return for that dollar(s).   Wouldnt that be nice?  All I have to do is give money and my life will be simple, blessed, pain free,  fair and just,  easy and peaceful....     Naw,  God doesnt work that way.  Know why? Because God is fair and just.  Because God knows some of us dont have much money to give.  And because "faith" woudnt be "faith" if all ya had to do was "buy" it.  

Dont get me wrong.  I think helping others and giving some to the church is a part of Gods plan.  But I think God wants our giving to come as a gift with no expectations or strings attached, not from our fear of a hard life if we dont give. That wouldnt be "free will".  God created us to make our own choices,  to love whoever we want to love, including HIm.  If we were forced to love Him , such as the threat of bad things will happen if you dont give or do xyz,  then thats not free will, thats manipulation and intimidation.  "YOu will do this or else" mentalilty.  
Love isnt truely love if we are forced to do it.

Sorry for the sermon.  lol,.  When I ramble aimlessly by writing,  it helps me sort some things out.   Its as much for me as it is for anyone.  I'm kinda in my "why did God allow this to happen to my friend" mode as well.

But just remember Carrie, that God wants us to love Him, even when its hard to understand Him.    :)

((carrie))).  Hope you are sleepin in this mornin.

lauren

sevenofwands

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2009, 06:45:54 AM »
The rich (or the celebs, whatever that means) are no different from the rest of us (except for having more money LOL). 

They no doubt have relatives and friends who die or who are ill.  As far as I know money has not yet found a way to buy off death....
There are good rich people, and not so good rich people.  Some do a lot of good; others are selfish.  Just like everyone else in the world.

Seven

sevenofwands

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2009, 06:50:53 AM »
Lauren says: "If we were forced to love Him , such as the threat of bad things will happen if you dont give or do xyz,  then thats not free will, thats manipulation and intimidation.  "YOu will do this or else" mentalilty. 
Love isnt truely love if we are forced to do it. "

Correct, Lauren.  And it has been my experience (sorry).  I was born and brought up a Catholic (not any longer), and that was it: bad things will happen, etc. etc. if you do not do this or that or the other.
I give no money to any church, ; I would and do give, when I can, to some charities, and I help as many people as I can.
As for organised religion, all I can say is: vade retro....

Seven


Jap Jr

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2009, 09:00:37 AM »
I miss Jim so much; just everything about him; I am mad at myself we were not married yet either; I chose to wait and it was going to be this year. Must be the day for venting; I woke up thinking of my financial status again; I had this a few years back before Jim and I were totally together. He could read me like a book. I am grieving his death so much and then to top it off with financial worries; I can't sleep; I just want to scream - GOD BRING HIM BACK - I NEED MY ROCK, MY LOVE, MY WORLD .......... I, too do not have health insurance now at this point; one reason I have not gone in to get any "pills" help; trying to work through it, but don't know if I will last.

It helps to read the posts on here and talk to others and cry and scream about my loss, but in the end, it just plain HURTS and I am exhausted by all the rest that comes with it.

WILL IT REALLY GET ANY BETTER; WILL IT REALLY STOP HURTING; WILL IT REALLY EVER LESSON

Time is not on my side; I hear and read give it time; everyones grief time is different; I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel; I am tired of looking.

The roller coaster is going faster and faster and the waves are pounding harder and harder; I thought I was doing OK and then it starts all over again, and again and again. Why is it we don't know what we've got until it's gone.

I've tried to ask God for help, but I feel that void there; and can't seem to fill it back up. Why does he take the good people like Jim, who want to live and leave the others to do their dirty deeds over and over again? It's hard for me to even go to church.

Guess you could say my ANGER is getting to me today; didn't have any for a long time, why is is surfacing now? I feel mad at the WORLD. It's only been 2 1/2 months since I lost Jim; it seems like an eternity one minute and yesterday the next.

It just hurts so damn bad ...........

sevenofwands

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2009, 11:18:42 AM »
Hello Jap:

The anger is normal, and part of the process.  There will be many stages in the process, Jap.  I would hope that you can get some help there where you are, it really is important to do that.  No one can go through these traumas without some support.
Yes, it will take time.

You ask:

WILL IT REALLY GET ANY BETTER; WILL IT REALLY STOP HURTING; WILL IT REALLY EVER LESSON

Yes, it will, but it is a hard road, with many turns. Do go easy on yourself, if you can at all.

All the best
Seven

Jap Jr

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2009, 03:40:39 PM »
Seven:

I have been going to a grief group that has 3 more weeks left and another one started that has 12 more weeks left; they are both run so differently; if that is what you mean by help. And trying to talk to people, but some don't return calls and that is very upsetting, as I would not call if I didn't need someone to listen.

My heart is pounding as I write this; this roller coaster is really running at top speed. Breath, breath, breath.

Jim, just come and get me ..........

carrieset

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2009, 12:17:36 AM »
Void:

Thanks for your concern and support.  I am thankful for everyone here who has reached out to me in this dark place. 

I went to a new support group tonight with a woman I met from the other one we are going to.  It was with Hospice.  When I walked in and saw the Hospice sign, I broke down.  Laurence spent the last month of his life in a beautiful Hospice in Scottsdale.  It was like a hotel.  He knew through all of the illness that he had that God gave him the best care anyone could ever have.

I also had a hospice grief counselor come to my house yesterday.  She was wonderful; lost her husband 3 years ago.  I told her I was going to a grief support group; she asked me who lead that group.  I told her the name of the woman was Sandra and of course she knew her.  Then I told her that Sandra was my Laurence's friend of 17 years.  He was  a general contractor and worked on her houses many times.  He always told me she was a psychologist;  I guess he didn't realize she is a bereavement counselor.  She gave me her card after his service and I was really surprised.  Small world, I guess. 

I was thinking today about how I would never be able to go inside his house again and his recording studio; I wouldn't be able to sit in the swing in the backyard and see the beautiful ponds he built with a soothing waterfall.  I have not driven by there once since Nov. 20 when he went to hospice. 

I think about my 11 year old daughter who is so spunky and cute and my almost 17 year old son who is highly functioning autistic, but pretty hard to reach emotionally.  I only have them every other week each month and I don't want them to see there mom yet again "shredded" as they have seen me go through much high stress with Laurence in and out of the hospital many times and caring for him at home.   My kids really loved him and he called my daughter Munch as she is really petite and Tyler was the "Ty Guy".  Even with his brain covered with cancer in hospice I was talking on the phone to my daughter and when I hung up he asked if that was the Ty Guy.  Most of the time he couldn't speak well at all and a few times he could say something clearly.

I am trying not to ask why so much now.  I don't understand, though, how after a horrible marriage, having met such a wonderful, passionate, really really physically healthy man that I just got 13 months of that and then horrible illness.  It just doesn't make sense to me and it never will.

And then years of struggle with a child with special needs; and again, alone, trying to fend for myself financially. 

It has been helpful and hopeful, though, to read many other posts by others that where they thought they once were strong, which I did, after the death of their loved one, they felt very weak.

I was told tonight by the hospice counselor that when you take care of someone through a terminal illness you are operating out of high adrenalin and they are still there with you, but when they are gone, you are just for a while left without any purpose or hope. 

All in all, it feels like a dismemberment of some sort no matter how your loved one leaves.

I am trying to remind myself everyday not to focus on the future "what if's; i.e. what if this happens or that happens. 

I feel like sending a note or calling each one of my 8 brothers and sisters and tell them to cherish every moment they have with their spouse as they may never know when they will be gone.  Amazingly, not one of my 3 sisters has called me since Laurence died (they never did get to meet him).  I called 2 of them.  One of my brothers flew here and spent 2 days with us at hospice as he and Laurence enjoyed many conversations over the last few years and had a brotherly love for each other which was amazing.

I would also like to at some point write his 2 oldest kids a letter and tell them what the last 2.8 years of his life was like; about his courage and faith; his compassion and love for them that they did not return in his final days.

Not to make them feel guilty, but to let them know that he was a beautiful man and they are his legacy of what was great about him.

Sorry about the rambling or as you say the "junks".  I am sure some of us here have contemplated the "S" word.  I am glad you did not do that.  It has fleetingly crossed my mind, but I am very much a coward that way. 

So I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and look for some hope.

Blessings to you for reaching out and to all of the other lovely people on this site I never wanted to visit,

Carrie

friedgen

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2009, 07:03:01 AM »
I think writing a book about how the average person had to get through the hard financial stuff is a good idea.  The rich need to remember how the average person has to struggle with the awful things in life.  I think it would be refreshing for the average person to read.  Especially in these days.  Like Void said the hospital bills are rediculas.  My husbands hospital bills were 80,000 to$100,000 after the accident, for a life they didn't save.  I found that very frustrating in a time were I was already suffering.  Of course the bills came right away with no time to recover from the fresh shock of losing my husband.  I got lucky to have workmen's comp..  I am so grateful for that.  If I hadn't had that I would have lost my house and still been in debt, not to mention still taking care of my kids and the every day stuff and bills.  The world needs to hear from the average person.  I hope things get better.  At some point we deserve a break.  Thinking of all of you.

Friedgen

Michelle C

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Re: So tired of the pettiness of this world
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2009, 08:42:00 AM »
Today marks a whole month I have been without Clarence..  :'( I wouldn't have made without my faith and you all...I too (at times) feel like I would be better off if God would just "take me too"... I woke up at 530 am and began to relive that day again.. That was around the same time that they took him up to ICU..When things started "to take a turn for the worst" as they put it..I totally understand when u say, enough is enough.. But then in the back of my mind.. I can hear Clarence saying, "this too shall pass" (one of his many quotes).. And I try to imagine what Clarence must have been thinking in his final days and I go back to the same two book in the bible:

Psalm 6: 6-7...
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes

and Psalm 16:5-6
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I struggle everyday and at times I can not see a way out..But I believe in God's word and his words never lie.. He said that he will be with us even to the end...I hope this helped.. it helped me.. Just by writing it... I gotta keep going.. I gotta.. I gotta.. I gotta..Clarence wouldn't want me to be crumble up and die.. He would want me to keep going..He prepared me for this very thing..All he was worried about was if I would make it to heaven to see him again..And I promised him I would..So I shall keep pressing on and seeking God and at the end of this life.. I will see God and Clarence standing there waiting for me.. Saying Good Job Michelle.. Good Job!!!