Author Topic: intro  (Read 5945 times)

adavis

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intro
« on: February 04, 2009, 12:18:00 PM »
Hi all,

HOW DO PEOPLE GET OVER AND THROUGH THIS NIGHTMARE????

I lost my beloved husband of 33 yrs last October, to  sudden cardiac death, no symptoms. He died in my arms while I preformed CPR. He had finished plowing our potato garden for next spring's planting.  Our 4 grown children and I are still reeling, still shocked. He was such a good man, so loved by so many people. A man who loved God and Jesus in his humble way. It was true love for us.
Not only did I lose him, but my income dropped from $70,000 to $15,000. I had just retired from public school teaching, 25 yrs, early. So, now I face financial problems as well. I can't go back to work in Maine, due to the early retirement penalty, at least not back teaching.  I am not trained in anything else. I called the state, and there are no waivers. I don't know if I could work anyway. I am a mess. I can hardly drive, as I am now experiencing panic attacks, something I had had in my early 2o's,and thought over with. I am living with my children, moving all over the country. Though we love each other, they don't have room for me. I lived in my 5 yr old grandson's room for 6 wks, and couldn't take the lack of privacy anymore. I am now at another son's house, where I have a bedroom, but I have to follow his rules. Kind of hard, after having my own home for 33 yrs. I am moving back to my home, a lovely, small ranch in Maine, but hard to live on alone. It is remote, and we had recently moved there, so I don't know many people. It was perfect for us, and our animals. I had to give all my animals away too, very hard. But I am going to try it on my own. I think of all the widows on their own, and think I must be able to do this too.
I am also very tired lately. I have no ambition. I have a small retirement to live on, but will have to work when I go back home, which should be good for me, but worried about driving. I guess I could try working at Walmart, but the idea of an interview, at 57, destroys my day.
I just don't understand how other widows do this.

Are there any widows out there, who live alone? Any on farms alone? I would love to hear how they survived,

Amy

Jap Jr

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Re: intro
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2009, 02:08:38 PM »
Amy;

So sorry to hear of your sudden loss; I had never posted on any kind of site before, so this was all new to me; but so glad I did; I found it looking for something else on grief. Probably hard for your children losing their Dad, too. Nice that you were able to stay with your children for awhile and can go back home, even as hard as it may seem right now.

I lost Jim 2 1/2 months ago (November 21st), so it is still so raw for me. It was also unexpected; taken to ER by ambulance because he didn't feel right and low blood pressure (had a chemo treament 2 days before); at one point he was talking and they said he'd have to stay in ICU a couple of days for observation and I felt relieved; then 12 hours later. We were to be married sometime this year; so I know about the financial thing; went from 6 figures with his income, down ALOT less to just mine; he was the breadwinner in our home. No will and no one on the life insurance policies, so it all went to the estate/probate to his children. And they are not sharing by any means; even tho we lived together in our home (I owned it, but were going to sell it and buy a different one together with less maintenance or a condo); they want everything that isn't nailed down. I was a caregiver to him for a few months, too, but they don't see that. Jim had 8 children (ages 17-40), but the 2 appointed administrators are only 22 & 24.

It is hard to go to bed at night alone and wake up every morning alone; it takes all I can to get out of bed, get dressed and go to work; once I am there, I don't want to leave and go to our empty home. It' a vicious circle 5 days a week.

It's hard to say me and not we. I miss Jim so much and I cry ALOT. The ache just never wants to go away; the lonliness, the pain.

There are so many wonderful people on this site who have alot of great things to post and have helped me get through the hours; it's hard to say days for me yet, but I am working on it.

If there is a grief group in your area, I would highly suggest going to it or finding one, meeting with people who understand what you are going through. Or a friend you can talk to and they will listen and let you tell your story over and over.

Peace and comfort

(((Hugs)))

Jap Jr's - Kay
« Last Edit: February 06, 2009, 10:13:02 AM by Jap Jr »

Luvinmike

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Re: intro
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2009, 02:28:01 PM »
Hi Amy. I am so very sorry for your sudden loss through the death of your husband. I am truly sorry. I also lost my husband suddenly, and I live in a suburb- not a farm. I have three teens and a big friendly dog. I will tell you how sorry I am and that I had to interview and get a job. I went to the interview swearing i would not talk about my loss, but at the end I just found myself saying- I know I am a little tongue-tied, it is because I lost my husband a few months ago. She said she was sorry and I said thank you. I also got the job and still have it- even though somedays i feel completely out of my mind.
So I will wish for your strength in these days of change, but you can always write on here when you feel alone. I think grief makes us feel alone even in a crowd, but I would not know what to do with myself in the Maine woods. Maybe you'll cross paths with someone who needs a place to stay and you could have some company. We had a young missionary girl stay with us during the holidays and it was scary to share the house (therefore, our grief) but it was helpful. She was a gem.
Maybe you could help with a nursery school, run a daycare out of your home or help w/ afterschool tutoring for a flexible schedule job. An Educational Consultant. Prayers as you take these needed steps. Terri

void

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Re: intro
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2009, 08:35:23 PM »
Hi Amy,

I meant to ask you, that you mentioned you are worried about driving. Have you gone to an ophthalmologist or optometrist lately? If your worry about driving is due to not seeing well, usually it could be easily fixed. My brother-in-law had a car accident a few months ago at night, then he found out he had cataracts. After the surgery his vision is back to 20/20. Worrying about driving certainly is a severe handicap for a widow.

void

Rainman

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Re: intro
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2009, 08:46:31 PM »
Hi Amy,

I am not a widow, but a widower, and I just wanted to shed a little male perspective on your situation.  The pain, hurt, agony, financial harships, crying, everything hits us too.

My Patty died Dec 23, 2008 of liver cancer.  We have/had a nice home that required 2 incomes to keep up.  With her gone and one income gone, my lifestyle had changed dramatically.  I am forced to move.  With what I can afford, and not wanting to move into an apartment, I bought a house for me, but having to move 40 miles further away to get a price I can afford.  My commute to work will now be 60 miles each way...ugggh.

My wife was my life.  I miss her so much.  I go home at night to an empty house, cry a little, talk to her and go to bed. 

Amy, my heart goes out to you, as I totally know what you are feeling.  My prayers are with you also...I do believe in the power of prayer.

Ray

georgiapeaches

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Re: intro
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2009, 05:56:53 AM »
Hi Amy,
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. Its so hard to deal with everything and then money problems on top of it make it all the more harder. Its to bad they wouldnt let you come back and teach, such a great profession and it goes to waste like that? I wish I had some words of advice for you other than to take things day by day, and take care of yourself , things will get alittle easier for you. As for your panic attacks, there is medication for them that can help you. I hope you can find some comfort in all of this pain. My prayers are with you.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

sevenofwands

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Re: intro
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2009, 07:47:04 AM »
Hello Amy:

So sorry to hear of your loss, and the tribulations you have had to put up with since then.  It is very hard on you, and it is early days yet, so go easy on yourself for a while, and give yourself a little time.  It is hard to think clearly when you are still mourning your loss.

I think Void is giving very good advice.  Her words: "One's independence is too precious to be challenged" resonates so much with me.  I get the feeling you will be much much happier in your own home, even if it is out in the country.  It sounds such a lovely place to me, and then of course I just so love the country myself.  I think you will be happier there, as there is nothing worse than being regimentated to other's rules.  When you have time to think perhaps there are other options open to you: maybe your ranch is large enough to consider it as a business, where one or two guests could come to stay, and enjoy the countryside.  Maybe there is work you can do from home.  I know of teachers who do private tuition (we call it "grinds" here), to boost up pupils who are not long off sitting for exams.  It is very well paid indeed.   These are just ideas.....

One thing is certain:  you CAN do it.  And perhaps this step means that doors, unexpected doors, may open to you.
Many many people are deadly lonely right in the heart of cities, indeed there is probably no lonelier place. 

All the very best
Seven


kevinjj

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Re: intro
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2009, 12:01:58 PM »
Amy I too am so sorry for the loss of your loving husband. I hope it can work out OK for you back at the home you and he made for yourselves. It's just hard to have words of comfort when there is so much pain and lonliness and now the financial pressure on top of it. I wonder if you cuold teach at a private school? I hope you can soon find work of some kind - I was thankful to have  job to go to because the first few months of grief are extremely difficult, terrible times. I always found it helpful and still do to post here and get my feelings out for a few seconds. I was hoping there might be a grief group in the area but it sounds somewhat remote. That would be good if there was. Know that you are not alone and at least you have us here and we know the feelings you are having and the nightmare it can be, so keep posting even if it seems trivial and never feel like you are rambling and ranting about anything.

futbllwmn

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Re: intro
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2009, 11:53:23 PM »
Amy.. I lost my 56 yo husband to a blood clot to the heart 8 months ago.  Sudden. Horrible. The best advise I have been given is "Don't make any truly important decisions for a year".  I know that sometimes circumstances make that impossible.  But if at all possible put off any major life-style changes.  I had a close friend who, right after her husband passed, sold her house to "get away from the memories".  She has regreted ever since.  As for myself, everything here is exactly the same as the day my Ronnie left.  I find great comfort in that.  I can feel him all around me. Maybe someday I will start removing some of his things... and maybe I won't.  Don't let people push you or try to make you feel that you're "not back to normal yet".  Do what you want, when you want. 
As always, I pray for all of us here.

Joyce