Author Topic: I need some input to my situation  (Read 8112 times)

sunshineme1

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I need some input to my situation
« on: February 03, 2009, 05:02:11 PM »
this morning first thing my sister calls me at work and just says whats going on  I said nothing just that yesterday was a month of the funeral, then she was like well you need to start boxing up Guys things and get rid of them, I said I dont think I need to, I'll get rid of them when I feel it is right. So then a little later my brother emails me and says if I were there and giving you advice I would tell you that you need to get on with your life. How is it everyone thinks they know what you should do if they arent in your shoes. Can you tell I am a real emotional wreck and sometimes it seems to be getting worse..maybe its that I am starting to come to the realization of what has happened, I dont know can anyone help me

Debbie

Rainman

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2009, 05:34:49 PM »
Oh Debbie,

Don't let anyone set ANY timelines for you.  If you want to keep Guys' things forever, you keep them forever.
I wanted to keep Patty's things around but her nasty kids went through everything while I was at work and raped me.  They took computers and TVs, VCRs and videocameras.  They took all of Pattys jewelry. 

As I mentioned before, I have to move from our home which is forcing me to deal with the rest of her things.  It hurts BAD!!  If I had it my way, I would have ALL of her belongings still surrounding me.  For how long, who knows, but nobody could sway my feelings.

If Guy's things bring you any comfort, which I'm sure that they do, KEEP them. Hug them, kiss them, feel them, smell them.

My heart is with you....

Ray

georgiapeaches

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2009, 06:20:11 PM »
Sunshine,
My son wears all my husbands clothes, his closet is so packed its about to burst, I have NEVER gotten rid of anything except for when my in laws came up and took things from us (me and the kids) my sister in law and brother in law had to have this and that and my mother and father in law had to have this and that and didnt even give me a chance to breathe. I should have been more alert because the took something very precious to me and more my son, and will not give it back, but I guess they are hurting so bad it must mean so much to them too. I dont know. You do as YOU want to with Guy's things, your choice. You grieve as long as you need to.

Ray, so sorry for what you've had to go through, I've been there and it hurts bad. I hope you find some comfort and peace.

Georgia.
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sunshineme1

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2009, 06:26:24 PM »
thank you so much for your input, I feel as you put it I feel he near with his things still here and it is only 1 month, maybe one day as things get easier I might consider getting rid of his clothes which is basically what they are talking about but right now I am not ready to go forward I having barely started to grieve. I feel like they are thinking I am losing it and I know I am not. And yes some people get so greedy when things like this happen, his daughter from his first wife didnt come home for the funeral but asked her uncle to ask me for something....hmmmm

georgiapeaches

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2009, 06:34:16 PM »
When My sister in law and brother in law asked me for something I was glad to give them alittle something, because they really just wanted something to remember their brother, but what they needed to consider was my kids feelings, and they didnt, or they just couldnt because they were hurting so bad, things like that should take place way after the shock wears off so that feelings dont get hurt, and it should be offered by the deceased wife of husband , or should be "grabbed" or "taken" this way they can have something nice to remeber their loved one and nobody else feels like they were cheated or hurt. If that makes any sense to you sunshine.
Also, My husband has been gone 10 months and I found more clothes in storage the other day for my son, but before I gave them to my son, I held them up to my face to see if I could still smell my husband, and I did, your not crazy because you still want you feel Guy around you.

Georgia.
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Jap Jr

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2009, 08:06:59 PM »
Debbie;

Sorry you have to go throught that, but know how you feel; it's only been 2 1/2 months since I lost Jim; like others already said, keep what you want and for as long as you want, or forever. I wear Jim's t-shirts and soft lounge pants all the time, except when they are being washed now; I wear his sweatshirts, too. I made Jim a blanket (he was a major Packer's fan) for his birthday and now I sleep with that all the time or if I'm watching TV, it's my covers - like my "security" blanket when I was a kid! Makes me feel VERY close to him, because he always used it. Even the electric razor, his deoderant smells like him. Whatever it takes to give me that close feeling he is there. I even sleep on "Jim's" side of the bed.

Just feel that closeness in whatever you choose to.

One of Jim's younger children grabbed his wallet at our home before he was even buried, and said I want his drivers license picture; I just said pls put it back for now, we can go through it later, then his cell phone. We were to be married this year; they let me know in some unkind words that what's his, they want from our home. I did give them back alot of things that were Jim's moms, as I do feel they should have that. The rest will just have to wait. I still have the suitcase full of the clothes from when he was taking OT & PT; can't even unpack that yet; it sits by the window in the bedroom. There was no will, so it's in estate/probate and the kids get everything; kind of a mess actually.

I understand they would like items of his, and I really don't have a problem with that, but in my time when I am ready to go through it and I'm not there yet. It's just too painful. Getting through one day is hard enough right now.

Ray; I sure hope her children took more than "material" things to remember Patty by; if not, that is really sad. Sorry you had to go through that, too. You want to trust people at a time like this, but to some it doesn't seem to matter - they just want for the sake of wanting. It hurts.

Would like to have our old life back with Jim; with all the "problems" I thought we had then; nothing compares to the loss of Jim ........

« Last Edit: February 03, 2009, 08:10:12 PM by Jap Jr »

nancy/Patricks mom

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2009, 08:45:42 PM »
there's no time limit  my 20 year old son died a year ago and we have not even cleaned out his room we dont even go in there or his bathroom the doors are still shut all his clothes are in the closet when we are ready we will go through them they aren't hurting anybody your family thats trying to help needs to go to a brevement group or read a book they dont know what they are talking about they have not walked in your shoes
NANCY/JOHNATHAN PATRICKS MOM/3-31-87 - 12-08-07

sj1211

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2009, 08:06:41 AM »
Do not move anything unless YOU want to. That is the ONLY proper way to handle it. God Bless you sunshineme1, you'll be in my prayers!

kevinjj

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2009, 08:58:14 AM »
Please tell them it is not their decision to make and that you will do what you want with his things when you want to do something with them.

Evelyn123

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2009, 10:43:21 PM »
It's over four months since I lost by darling husband & I have not moved a thing. His electric toothbrush is still beside mine in the bathroom. His clothes are still hanging in the closet and his robe and pants are still hanging on a clothes stand in the bedroom. He was very artistic and his paintings and wood carvings surround me. When I'm on the computer, I  always have his picture in front of me.This gives me some comfort. I kiss his picture every morning & evening. If anyone dared to tell me what to do I would tell them where to go. It's your life and you do what makes you feel good. My son also wanted some things right away but I said no. Now slowly, I'm starting to give him some of my husband's things. Also,I'm trying to keep busy and I've been going to a bereavement group which I think helps a somewhat. My very best wishes to you and everyone else here.

carrieset

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2009, 12:04:34 AM »
Hi:  It is so sad that they do not understand.  You keep everything as long as you want it around you.  I don't understand even with my own family and friends how they think I am supposed to just get up, dust myself off, and get over it??

It's only been 6 weeks since my Laurence died and I AM NOT OVER IT.  His kids already cleaned out his house, his cars, everything.

I still have alot of his stuff at my house, tons of tools as he was a general contractor and a year ago he was remodeling my whole house.  I told his son he could come get them, but he will never come because he doesn't want to face me as I will tell him what a butthead he was not even to spend 20 minutes with his dad in the last 2 months of his life. 

It is our own process; no one else's..  My mom lives in MN and I am in AZ and she calls to check up on me.  Today she said similar things as were said to you, and I told her I watched the love of my life go through countless surgeries and then died in front of me on Christmas Eve.  Am I supposed to feel happy right now?

We must have some peace...........

Hugs to U, Carrie

patty

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2009, 09:11:52 AM »
Why is it when we lose a husband people feel they have the right to tell us what to do.  I have to ask you guys who have lost a wife, are you hassled as much as we are?
   Sure, these well wishers would surley say they are only trying to help.  But what to do and when to do it is YOUR DECISION.  Do things when it feels right and thank others for their support and then walk away. 
    Patty

Michelle C

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #12 on: February 07, 2009, 11:07:48 AM »
Debbie..
I really thought I was the only one with this problem...
My boss told me to pack up his stuff up...
And move on and it was only a month yesterday...
and he told me this a couple of weeks ago...
Everything his greedy son didnt get ahold of I still have out...
I did not let him in my house... He didn't come before he died so why whould I let him after he died???
His two work shirts are still hanging up behind my door...
His jeans that he had on is still on the chair by the bed...
His toothbrush is still in his bag... that is sitting in the same spot...
I put the clothes that he wore to the hospital that day beside my bed...
I smell them all...
I look through the pockets...
I have kept stuff that would mean nothing to other ppl but are important to me... like receipts to stores that we went to right before he passed...
I still have the water bottle that he left in my car...
I sleep with his blanket and pillow that he kept at work... He worked the 3rd shift...

keep everything for however long u need to...
I wished I would have been able to keep his clothes but his son hurried up and grabbed all that...along with cell phone... wallet... motorcycle...

I wonder if he would like all of the bills too???


tsurandy

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #13 on: February 07, 2009, 01:12:43 PM »
I would think it presumptious for anyone to advise on dealing with personal belongs of someone you have loved and cherished. The decision is yours and in your time you will decide what to do.  That is what I think.  I appreciate Michelle C's comment about keeping things like reciepts, I have done the same thing, it helps me to remember the simple things Mama and I did, like buying a plant on the spur of the moment that she thought was pretty.
Peggy's Boy

carrieset

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Re: I need some input to my situation
« Reply #14 on: February 07, 2009, 02:17:48 PM »
Michelle:

I sure can relate to your situation.  I had to force myself to take my son somewhere today, then went to the post office, then to get some groceries, everything looks like it has no color.  Like I am walking around in this pit of sadness. 

At the post office and grocery store I was looking at people to see if they had a wedding ring on.  Aaaahhhhhhhhhh

My mom called me today and bless her heart, I know she worries about me, but she said the sun will shine again someday and you will meet a nice man.

I don't want to; I just want to feel normal again, not lethargic and unmotivated.

Clarence was sure similar to Laurence in their build.  Big guys!  It has only been 5 weeks today since Laurence's memorial.  Since it has been such a short time for you, too, do you still feel shaky, anxious, fearful, at times?  Or is just me?

I can't seem to find anything that calms me other than reading grief books and venting on here.

I feel like the life went out of my eyes and they are just dull.

I am never one to just sit.  I'm always busy and the busyness has left me.

Don't let them take anything else from you and I sure would love to see your boss face to face!!!  People have no idea what kind of hell this is.  It shakes the very foundation of your life as you knew it and it's like trying to claw your way out of a big black hole.

I hope you are having a better day than I am.

Peace,

Carrie