Author Topic: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!  (Read 6744 times)

Jap Jr

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Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« on: January 29, 2009, 12:03:41 PM »
I don't know where to start anymore. It's been just 2 months and 6 days since I lost the love of my life, Jim. Have been on here everyday reading; I read and cry and read and cry and can relate to so much of what is being posted, that my head is spinning. It's like it just happened yesterday all over again; keep replaying it at the hospital. I went to my grief group on Monday night and all I could do was cry almost the whole 2 hours; we were to bring in pictures of our loved one to share; I brought several of Jim or Jim and I, but only passed a few around. One of the ladies thought she had said something to upset me and came over and hugged me, and I cried even more. Said I was jealous she had 47 years with her husband and Jim and I were just going to be married; she is a kind and gentle woman. I am so mad at myself for "waiting" to be married, it was me, not Jim; I finally say yes, and then God takes him. I sat here at work and just beat the handles on my chair. It would have made things so much easier if we already were. Not to sound terrible, but even with the finances. Together we did great, but he was the breadwinner and with just my salary, it's tough, I won't try and pretend. Have to get my own health insurance now and where do I start! Jim was always there to help with financial & insurance "stuff" ; he is my ROCK and I need him back.  And then with his kids not being nice, it's getting to me all over again.  Tuesday I went to see the priest; was at a stop sign and looked in the rear view mirror and thought it was Jim sitting in the truck behind me and I thought, who's driving? Then realization sets in and I know it can't be him. I'm tired of people telling me to get on with life, get out, put on make-up, do this-do that. They have no idea what I'm going through losing Jim if they haven't gone through it.

It's all I can do to take a shower after 4-5 days, get out of bed, get dressed and go to work. Once I am here, I don't want to leave, because the house is dark, cold, empty, lonely and it's a house now, not a home; I do have my dog, Ricco, who Jim called "worthless dog", but the next minute Ricco was on his lap; Ricco misses him too, and sits in their favorite chair. Jim was home for those couple of months in the wheelchair; he could get up and walk some, and use the bathroom and get in and out of bed on his own, until later when I had to help him to do those things; and always around during the day. He was able to work from home on the computer. I am glad winter is so cold here right now, as it keeps me inside. With the spring coming it means another month gone by, and maybe by then, I will feel better?? I don't know. Weekends are worse. This weekend is his youngest daughters 17th birthday and we would have gone to Wisconsin to see her, rent a room, have her friends over for pizza & swimming. I did send her a card and she was happy to get it.

I call people and they won't call back. Even family isn't around as much; their lives just keep on moving like the hare and mine is turtle pace. Don't they know I am still needing to talk and I hurt? I have a couple of sisters & sister-in-law who keep in touch. I have 9 brothers & sisters and we all live within 4 miles of each other; almost all have their kids and grandchildren around or within a 2-hr drive. I wish mine lived closer, but 2 in Chicago (and my grandson - another due end of Frebruary) and 1 in Arizona.

I feel like I want to EXPLODE! HELP!! I can't stop crying. I just want to SCREAM. I haven't had these feelings this strong before and it's scarry. It's like I'm watching a movie and we are the main characters.There are things I want to say to him - I do talk to him now. It is hurting so bad today. Don't like this feeling of waves. I had an OK night, but I just knew that when I woke up today, it was going to start all over again with the pit in the stomach, crying and the massive hurt and void. I hug his pillow and makes me feel close to him, but it's just a pillow. I do tell him I love him and miss him every morning before I get up, then kiss the picture on the dresser; then do the same each night.

I just needed to write and get it out of me; I don't know where I am going with this, but this site seems to be the only place right now that I can go and I feel like I won't get judged, told what to do, what to wear, how to act, what to say, when I should be better, get on with your life; my emotions, frustrations, fears, anxiety and all that are more than I can handle, without being told how.

There is more, but mabye later

Thanks for letting me vent and just being here


friedgen

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2009, 12:18:52 PM »
All of us have had those feelings.  They are okay and normal.  It has been 5 months and I still have those days were I think to much and the emotions flood in and I feel like I am going to lose my mind.  I still want to hit things.  I had a dream last night about my husband.  He was lying on a bed dressed in his cloths, not covered with sheets and filled with tubes like he was in the hospital.  Everyone kept saying he was gone.  All of a sudden he woke up, hugged me tight and said,  "I am not going anywhere, you should know that."  Then I woke up.  I still was somewhat out of it and actually looked for him next to me in bed.  For a second I thought the last 5 months was the dream.  It hurt so to know the true reality, but it felt so real and my husband was smiling and laughing.  That I was thankful for.  It is crazy and scary for awhile.  Give yourself time and know you can survive.  Keep coming here.  We are here for you.

Friedgen

omanilady

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2009, 04:36:30 PM »
Hello Jap jr
I am so sorry for your heartache, I can feel your pain and suffering - it is intense. You wonder when the roller coaster of deep emotions will subside.  Jap Jr it is still early days for you since Jim died. All of the emotions you are experiencing are quite normal - the isolation, your fears it is all quite normal on this dreadful road of grief.

You will get through this, just give yourself time - keep writing, keep expressing your feelings here - you are not alone. Many of us have walked this road before, some still walking this road like you, some like me who have come out of the despair and now walk a new life without the constant suffering. It is not easy, but you will do it and it wont always feel this way, it takes time. In the meantime do whatever you need to do in order to make things bearable.

Be gentle with yourself, sending you abundance of love and blessings.
Omanilady

carrieset

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2009, 07:50:24 PM »
Hi Jap Jr:

So understand the day you had.  It is just a horrible place to be.  Since Laurence and I were not married yet, there were no finances in place for me, so when all was said and done I had to go home and try to function and work again.  The savings are gone, the motivation isn't there to work, but I know I have to.  I don't want to lose my house or my car.  I still need to go on as I have 2 kids.  I hate that feeling of getting up in the morning and feeling desperate.  I don't have any family here and a couple friends have stuck pretty close, but everyone else just moves on with their own life.  It is a pretty lonely place to be.

All I do is keep praying and praying for some relief.   As I will pray for you.

Carrie

carrieset

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2009, 08:02:29 PM »
HI Jap Jr again:

Wanted to add that if your 9 siblings are close by, maybe they won't call you but you need to reach out to them.  Probably you already have.  I sure would love to have one of my 8 siblings close by for a hug.  Closest family I have in AZ is my ex-husband; don't think there will be any hugs coming from him anytime soon.

Keep posting.  It sure has helped me think I'm not losing it.

Carrie

Rainman

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2009, 08:18:00 PM »
I am experiencing exactly the same feelings.  My Patty has only been gone 35 days.  I don't want ANYTHING, not conversation, not work, not people...just my Patty back.  Nothing seems important to me except to get her back.  I talk to her all day, I kiss her pictures, touch things of hers and cry a lot.  I do go to work to escape this house.  Like you, I don't want to come back to this empty house.
As I have talked about before, without Patty's income I can't afford to stay in our home so, on top of everything else, I have to move.  I have family close but I don't want them either.

Jap JR...hold on tight.  As other members of this site have coached me...breath by breath, day by day. When I feel like I am totally losing it and can't continue, I come back here for words of empathy.  Only people that know what we are going through can relate and give us healing advice.

I will pray for you..

Ray

Michelle C

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2009, 08:31:19 PM »
Jap Jr... I couldn't have said it better... The outside world is moving on... and we are still here in the same place that we were at on that dreadful day...I replay it and replay it a thousand times in my head.. I kiss the picture on the way out the garage... Today was the first day I can honestly say that I felt "alright"... I have been back to work since last tuesday... I hated to go but now I am happy I can get out of this empty house... When I came home yesterday I could smell him in my room... I almost lost it!!! I wish there was a magic pill that we could take... I would take the whole bottle... stay strong and keep writing.. it makes me feel better

Michelle C

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2009, 09:56:00 PM »
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive a new blessing.  Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Jap Jr

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2009, 08:05:08 AM »
Appreciate the posts - what would I do without all of you - The sun came up and it is another day and I got through yesterday; had bowling last night and just broke down before I went; cryed, screamed and jumped up and down until I could not do it anymore; layed on the bed with his pillow and picture and could not move; I felt so alone; got to bowling and one of the girls on my team was coming in the same time and she said are you OK? She gave me a hug and I started crying again. They all say they want the "old Kay" back. I just said in time.

Yesterday I told Jim I wanted to be with him, to "come and get me" as I could not live another day without him. That we would be happy together finally. I thought of my children and how it would hurt them; felt torn about what I wanted.

Fell asleep in Jim's chair again last night; in fact, most every night I do and then get up in the middle of the night and hope I can get back to sleep in bed. We have two matching ones, but it makes me feel close to Jim to use his.

I do call my family, too; I am fortunate to have them here, but like I said, they all have their lives and most think I should be back to "normal" already. We have alot of family things going on, so I try and make it to them.

I say good morning & talk to Jim, smile just thinking of Jim, kiss his picture, then after that I feel like a zombie every morning after I finally get up; open curtains and drapes, let dog out, turn off outside light, turn radio or TV on for weather, let dog in, get dressed, go to work ....

Is it "normal" to feel like I should not be laughing? or smiling? My priest asked me if I felt guilty if I did those things & if I thought it meant I didn't miss Jim so much anymore and I said YES - that is part of it. I miss EVERYTHING about him so much.

Does anyone else feel they can't stand to hear anyone complain or raise their voices? One of the girls at bowling was complaining about her husband, and it just got to me; I didn't say anything, but wanted to say just be lucky you have him here; who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Have 2 friends coming over tomorrow to talk and visit; I am looking forward to that.

THANKS for the hugs, prayers and love - I know it all comes from the heart because all of you understand. Will take those deep breaths ......

tsurandy

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2009, 02:54:45 PM »
I think we all experience periods of slipping backwards.  We sometimes seem to be almost normal in our activities and then BAM! something happens to send us reeling back.  For me, I just have to take some time and grieve, cry, scream, and think, then get up and try again.
Peggy's Boy

carrieset

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2009, 03:26:12 PM »
Hi:  I know that feeling of slipping backwards.  Today is only 5-1/2 weeks since Laurence died and I have not for the last week done hardly anything except cry and have my heart constantly pounding.  I hardly eat and feel stressed beyond belief.  I am not sure how to deal with any of this.  I am not functioning and I did for 2.8 years of his illness.  I am scared!!

Carrie

Luvinmike

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2009, 06:51:42 AM »
Carrie- hang on during the backwards times- deep breathing, fresh air- I took showers, scream, cry, kiss photos, hug a teddy bear- keep getting thru in whatever ways you can, remember your love and the good.
You must be collapsing from years of caregiving and now that your sweetheart is peaceful and doeasn't need you- what happens now? It has to be so devastating, after all to find such love and lose him. My heart aches for you. I listened to tons of music which others here are better at recommending. I cant remember much of those early weeks you are in, but I remember music and crying all the time for a while. I felt paralyzed. Outside ( I walked about 500 miles), nature and our church were three things I pursued on a daily basis in those dark hours. Looking back it did help. My prayers are with you. Terri

sunshineme1

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2009, 07:33:14 AM »
Hi, I feel your pain and understand your anger. Just yesterday I was talking to my daughter and she said mom you will get through this, knowing that she is only looking for the right words to say I wanted to say dont tell me I will get through this because that is not what I want to hear, I too get upset when I see or hear people around me talking and smiling and I think how can you do that when I am so sad and heart broken. I do go to work but as soon as I get there I want to go home at least being at home I am surrounded by Guy. I have a favorite it is the Serentiy Prayer, look it up, I have it on my desk at work in eyes view and look at it quite often.
Debbie

Jap Jr

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2009, 09:32:47 AM »
Debbie;
Thanks for the advice to read the Serenity Prayer; I know it well. I have used it in the past several times, but never really thought of the words until now.
I woke up angry and mad today; I asked Jim to help me; I asked God to help me. I am still feeling like it's going backwards.
I hate having to say ME instead of WE. It's been 2 1/2 months and I feel as if I am back to the day. A couple of girlfriends came over yesterday and as we talked, I realized I can't remember how I even got home that morning after Jim passed; who gave me a ride or anything. Or some of the time in the next few weeks. It is all a blur. But I can remember and feel guilty about something I said to him months ago. Why?
I have been trying to think of happy memories, but it just makes me cry even more, because I want more like them, and that would be the future we aren't going to have.
Going to church today and then to the cemetary after. I always feel drained after I leave the cemetary, but I feel I need to go. It's about a 15-20 minute drive and I can talk to Jim on the way.

Rainman;
I know what you mean about nothing seems important anymore; just wanting my Jim back is my focus; our future. 3 months ago yesterday was Halloween and he was here at our home in his chair and I was taking pics of him with his grandchildren. How I want to go back those 3 months and more. It hurts to look at the pics from Halloween; maybe I need to put those ones away for now. It's hard at work, as I want to cry and can't always, so have to hold it in, or go to the bathroom and whimper; only at home, can I let it all out and scream if I want.

Void;
I do try and keep the house bright; the 1st couple of weeks some of the flowers and plants from the funeral were all over in my living room and it looked like the funeral home; I finally had to get rid of some as it was so dark. I do open the blinds, curtains, drapes every morning after I get up; I need the daylight.

I pray we can all find some PEACE today.


Luvinmike

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Re: Help! I'm going backwards & it's scaring me!
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2009, 05:46:34 PM »
Dear Jap - Kay;
     It is so painful to think ahead. It is so hard to remember anything. And then people say,"Stay in the moment." I remember saying ,"I don't want this moment- you mean without my husband, I don't want to stay in this moment and I don't want any of the moments that plan to follow this one." It is scary, lonely, beyond compare difficult. Just trust that you are not alone. Many of us here feel your pain, we send you strength. This hurts, no doubt about it.
 I went to a get together today (A going away party) I realized 2/3 of the way thru that I was the only adult there without a partner. Everyone else would have someone to go home with. Even our kids had their own cars. (I have made a decision on word use- I will use our when referring to the kids, I will use my for everything else) I have been struggling with how to talk and write. Anyways, just a reply to say I care, and I am sorry. Terri :'(