I don't know where to start anymore. It's been just 2 months and 6 days since I lost the love of my life, Jim. Have been on here everyday reading; I read and cry and read and cry and can relate to so much of what is being posted, that my head is spinning. It's like it just happened yesterday all over again; keep replaying it at the hospital. I went to my grief group on Monday night and all I could do was cry almost the whole 2 hours; we were to bring in pictures of our loved one to share; I brought several of Jim or Jim and I, but only passed a few around. One of the ladies thought she had said something to upset me and came over and hugged me, and I cried even more. Said I was jealous she had 47 years with her husband and Jim and I were just going to be married; she is a kind and gentle woman. I am so mad at myself for "waiting" to be married, it was me, not Jim; I finally say yes, and then God takes him. I sat here at work and just beat the handles on my chair. It would have made things so much easier if we already were. Not to sound terrible, but even with the finances. Together we did great, but he was the breadwinner and with just my salary, it's tough, I won't try and pretend. Have to get my own health insurance now and where do I start! Jim was always there to help with financial & insurance "stuff" ; he is my ROCK and I need him back. And then with his kids not being nice, it's getting to me all over again. Tuesday I went to see the priest; was at a stop sign and looked in the rear view mirror and thought it was Jim sitting in the truck behind me and I thought, who's driving? Then realization sets in and I know it can't be him. I'm tired of people telling me to get on with life, get out, put on make-up, do this-do that. They have no idea what I'm going through losing Jim if they haven't gone through it.
It's all I can do to take a shower after 4-5 days, get out of bed, get dressed and go to work. Once I am here, I don't want to leave, because the house is dark, cold, empty, lonely and it's a house now, not a home; I do have my dog, Ricco, who Jim called "worthless dog", but the next minute Ricco was on his lap; Ricco misses him too, and sits in their favorite chair. Jim was home for those couple of months in the wheelchair; he could get up and walk some, and use the bathroom and get in and out of bed on his own, until later when I had to help him to do those things; and always around during the day. He was able to work from home on the computer. I am glad winter is so cold here right now, as it keeps me inside. With the spring coming it means another month gone by, and maybe by then, I will feel better?? I don't know. Weekends are worse. This weekend is his youngest daughters 17th birthday and we would have gone to Wisconsin to see her, rent a room, have her friends over for pizza & swimming. I did send her a card and she was happy to get it.
I call people and they won't call back. Even family isn't around as much; their lives just keep on moving like the hare and mine is turtle pace. Don't they know I am still needing to talk and I hurt? I have a couple of sisters & sister-in-law who keep in touch. I have 9 brothers & sisters and we all live within 4 miles of each other; almost all have their kids and grandchildren around or within a 2-hr drive. I wish mine lived closer, but 2 in Chicago (and my grandson - another due end of Frebruary) and 1 in Arizona.
I feel like I want to EXPLODE! HELP!! I can't stop crying. I just want to SCREAM. I haven't had these feelings this strong before and it's scarry. It's like I'm watching a movie and we are the main characters.There are things I want to say to him - I do talk to him now. It is hurting so bad today. Don't like this feeling of waves. I had an OK night, but I just knew that when I woke up today, it was going to start all over again with the pit in the stomach, crying and the massive hurt and void. I hug his pillow and makes me feel close to him, but it's just a pillow. I do tell him I love him and miss him every morning before I get up, then kiss the picture on the dresser; then do the same each night.
I just needed to write and get it out of me; I don't know where I am going with this, but this site seems to be the only place right now that I can go and I feel like I won't get judged, told what to do, what to wear, how to act, what to say, when I should be better, get on with your life; my emotions, frustrations, fears, anxiety and all that are more than I can handle, without being told how.
There is more, but mabye later
Thanks for letting me vent and just being here