Author Topic: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT  (Read 3972 times)

carrieset

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HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« on: January 26, 2009, 03:21:52 PM »
Today I can't even get myself to work.  I have a fulltime ebay business and every time in the last 2.8 years that Laurence had to go to the hospital for tumor surgeries or other complications, etc., I have had to stop working and then come back later and start all over again.  I was able to then but he was still here and my cheerleader about my business.

It's like I don't see any point to it anymore.  But I don't have anyone to support me or my 2 kids (we were to be married after being together 4 years, but that dream was taken), so his Will was never changed.  I just feel listless and empty.  There are so many times I wish it was me gone because all of these emotions are literally making me feel like vomiting (and have).

I know all of us are suffering, but sometimes it feels like I am not handling it as well or maybe others don't have as much fear as I do.  Laurence only died 5 weeks ago, but I am still shaky and not hungry and feeling like I am not able to function.   My biggest fear now is that since I took care of him for 2.8 years and didn't take care of my health what if something happened to me and I have no one to care for me like I did him.  That seems to be an ongoing runaway train in my head.

I pray this gets better..............

Carrie

grainofsand

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Re: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2009, 03:55:00 PM »
Carrie~
How difficult things must be for you.  I am so sorry for the loss of Laurence.
You are still in shock over the loss.  I think you are having a harder struggle because you were his caregiver as well.

Just force yourself to take care of yourself.  Don't dwell on any "what if's" or "if something happened to me"..right now as they are not your reality.  Getting through your mourning is what you need to focus on.

I understand that your cheerleader is now gone and you feel listless.  We have been known to say a cheer or two...just ask Georgia.  We can become your cheerleaders if you let us.

Things will not always be this way, you will be alright.

Letter to Death: Death never looks back to see my tears or how difficult life has become now for me.
When death stops a heart, it doesn't understand that it beat with another.

friedgen

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Re: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2009, 03:59:31 PM »
Your pain is still so raw and the hurt so deep.  It is so normal to feel the anger at what has happened and also scared for your financial future.  My husband was also the main bread winner in our house.  I have a daycare at my house with only 2 clients, because my husband and I wanted me home to raise our children.  We thought we had plenty of time for our children to get older and than I would go outside the home for extra money.  But he would always have his job, he worked for his brother.  In one day in 5 minutes an 88 year old women took my husbands life crossing the road for blueberries.  She never looked to see my husband coming on the other side of the road.  You have had a very long, hard road.  It will take time to move away from the shock of what has happened and what is.  Allow yourself that time and allow the ones that love you to love you.  Get counseling if you can.  It helps to vent.  Also, come here.  You are in my thoughts.

Friedgen

Michelle C

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Re: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2009, 04:21:46 PM »
Carrie I feel that way too..Ur Laurence was ur everything....Why did that cancer thing have to take my clarence and ur Laurence away???. .. everything u feel... I feel.... I am so sorry for ur loss...
and for the record... I used to be a cheerleader... I can still do a kick ;)

mousewife

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Re: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2009, 05:22:34 PM »
Carrieset,

Try not to compare yourself to other people.  You are not unusual in your reactions to your loved mate's death.  I was very much like this too in the beginning, and often still plagued by these problems.  If you feel you can't funtion to do your job, you might consult a doctor regarding phamaceutical assitance to help take the edge of, and help you be able to focus.  I don't think I would have made it without this help.  I still use meds when I need them, but am decreasing their use and stopping one.  Just be careful to discuss everything with a doctor you feel confidence in, and only use it if it seems to help you, and with the idea that it won't be forever.

Remember, everyone here is at a different place in their grief, and also, we are all individuals, and handle things in different ways.  Your reactions are normal.

mousewife

carrieset

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Re: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2009, 06:39:21 PM »
mousewife:

I have read some of your messages regarding your husband's death.  So sudden and way too tragic!!  I have a woman in my grief support whose husband was killed last Sept in a motorcycle accident.  She wondered if it was harder to have gone through a long illness or if it would be harder to have something happen in an instant.  I told her I don't think it matters either way.  The pain is just as horrible.

Thank you for your kind mail.  I did get anxiety meds a couple weeks ago and then found out I had very high blood pressure.  Was told to come back in a month.  So am a bit stressed over that, too.  Unfortunately since we hadn't married yet, there were no widow benefits for me so life seems very difficult right now.  I do go to grief support once a week and have about 3 close friends who will listen to my cry.  Others have left since the service because I don't think they can handle it.  Even my own family lives far away and they don't call either (just my mom).  I called a couple of my sisters once but they don't call. 

I thought I was strong going through all of this with him; everyone told me I was.  But I feel pretty puny anymore and the horrible words "fear" and "worry" have set in.  I keep trying to shut it out, but doesn't help much.

Kindest regards, Carrie

void

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Re: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2009, 01:21:43 AM »
Hi Carrieset,

I feel your devastation when I read the anguish and hardship that you are going through.

If you have been running an Ebay business, you must be a super organized, quick minded, fast moving, multi-tasks handling, financial/accounting knowledgeable, prompt, and responsible strong woman. These capabilities are yours, they are not going anywhere. I hope your not forgetting these facts will lessen some of your fears, unless you forget to take care of yourself physically. One other thing, you should take Ensure or Ensure Plus as many bottles as you can every day, even force them down if you have to. I think you keow this already from the experience with hospice. Wish you the best and I will be thinking of you!

void

« Last Edit: January 27, 2009, 01:46:13 AM by void »

carrieset

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Re: HOW DO I GO ON? I OFTEN WISH IT WAS ME INSTEAD WHO LEFT
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2009, 04:28:32 PM »
void:

Thanks for your suggestions.  I did get the ensure today and will start on those. 

I think it is just hard for me to focus right now on working because I lost my enthusiasm for it and because I had to lay it down so many times to be at the hospital or taking care of Laurence.  It was hard to come home and start over knowing he still had a tumor or tumors.  Now that he is gone that is a whole new reality. 

Plus there were so many times that I had auctions going, shipments to be made and I had to drop everything to be at the hospital again, etc., and so my business would slide.

Now since I have high blood pressure and have little enthusiasm for life, I am afraid if I have auctions going, what happens if I have something happen to me?

I know these are probably runaway fears.  I hope, anyway.

Kind regards to you,

Carrie