Author Topic: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009  (Read 15508 times)

carrieset

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #15 on: January 26, 2009, 09:38:57 PM »
Hi all:

I am so sorry for all of us.  I never thought I would be at this site.  For 2.8 years I was going to every site I could and reading about miracles of healing.  I know ultimately Laurence after having had bouts with brain cancer and died on Dec. 24 2008 that he had the ultimate healing.  No more suffering; no more worries. 

I have had many people die in my life, but no one as close to me as he was.  Several years ago my ex-husband's dad died on the morning of his daughter's wedding.  That was awful and I loved the man but this is the ultimate hurt.

I guess this has caused me to face my own mortality.  Geez, I'm almost 48 and didn't think about that before??  Now it is staring me in the face and all I want is some peace regarding me and the rest of my life.  I don't have to worry about Laurence's peace.

I'm tired of my heart pounding, my nerves feeling like they are jumping out of my skin, feeling nauseous, not eating.  For some reason, I haven't cried the last couple days where I was crying every day a month before he died and up until 2 days ago. 

Thank you all for your posts.  I certainly know I am not alone which certainly helps, but wish none of us were having to be at this site.

Carrie

carrieset

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2009, 11:40:56 PM »
Michelle:  I understand your pain.  It is the most awful thing I have ever experienced in my life.  I am almost 48 and have had alot of people die in my life, but this is beyond anything I have ever had to go through.  My love Laurence died on Christmas Eve 2008 and it was a nightmare of a year.  Or maybe 2.8 years of a nightmare.  He had recurring brain tumors cancer and it kept coming back and coming back.  He had 1.5 years of no cancer and then it came back with a vengeance.  On Father's Day this last year we found out he had 3 inoperable tumors.  He had 8 infusions of "experimental" chemo which crippled him, had a stroke, grand maul seizure, and finally his mind left him the last 2 months.  It was the most horrifying and terrifying thing I have ever witnessed as I was his caregiver and supposed to have been his wife. 

Life seems very unfair right now.  I had 16 years of marriage with an abusive man and finally crawled out of that marriage all beat up.  Then meet this wonderful Christian man, so healthy and so physically fit and very conscious of what he ate and didn't drink or smoke.  So to be blind-sided by this nasty disease was hell.

This is a hard hard journey and I am still raw from it.   Every day is a struggle to get through.  I'm told it gets better; I'm praying for that.  We need the strength of each other. 

About 3 weeks ago my own mother told me to put some makeup on and get out of the house; there is still life out there.  I told her "He just died 3 weeks ago!!!"  I don't care about makeup!  It is amazing what people say and it's because they have no idea what this is like.  My mom and dad are married 52 years and she still has all of her 9 children and 30 grandchildren, so I guess she doesn't really get it.  Then she told me to get back to work (on my Ebay business); you still need to make a living and I am just dismayed as I lost all motivation to do anything.  Still have my 2 kids, ages 16 and 11, but I have shared parenting with my ex so I have them every other week and boy it is awful when they are gone.  Their dad makes $150,000 a month and could care less if I lose my home, so yeah, life over here feels pretty shaky right now.

My prayers are with you and everyone else.  I am thankful to all who have given me encouragement through this.  I used to be confident and thought I was strong, but have fallen to pieces.

Blessings and prayers to you through this most difficult time.  Do whatever you can to have family and friends help, go to grief support, and stay here talking to others who are hurting and trying to make their way through this, too.

Carrie

Luvinmike

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2009, 05:20:16 PM »
((Carrie))) I am sending you a hug and the strength to persevere one deep breath at a time. Ignore everyone who says, "You should..." Unless they have lost someone very dear. Or they have something to offer that you want to hear. I hope you don't let your Mom get to you, my Mother annoyed me initially but we talked and she has admitted it is horrible to watch me and these three kids spend eight months trying to accept that "Dad," is gone. It is so sad. And as nice as everyone can be it doesn't fix this. I hope you write and tell us about Laurence, or you both. Thinking of you, Terri

Luvinmike

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2009, 05:27:45 PM »
Michelle, My deepest prayers go out to you. Glad you posted Clarence's photos, may he rest in peace, and you remember that love never dies. Terri

Michelle C

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2009, 05:58:24 PM »
Terri.. Thanks for the kind words... It is truely a blessing to have my new family (all of u) support me... Nobody knows how this feels unless they have walked in our shoes.. My boss is telling me to except things and go forward but I am not ready to do that... I just want to rewind the clock and begin this year over again.. New outcomes... New theme... It feels like I am on a merry-go-round and I am dizzy!!! I think I have had one ok day this week.. but some how my mind begins to wonder and I am back in the hospital watching it over and over and over again... my brain can not understand "these are his final hours" not when he was talking in the ER... One hour gap and life changed forever....

Michelle C

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #20 on: January 28, 2009, 06:40:18 PM »
Carrie... I think that ppl really do not know what to say..It drives me nuts to listen to some of their "support talks"... How can we even begin to live again when we feel so empty!! I have learned to tune them out!!.. So should u...

carrieset

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #21 on: January 28, 2009, 06:51:13 PM »
Michelle:

Clarence was a very handsome man.  I am glad you posted his picture.  I have a hard time looking at Laurence's pictures.  I've pulled them out a few times in the last 5 weeks, but it's too hard.   While I was going through my divorce several years ago, I prayed that God would provide me with a Christian man, non-drinking, non-smoker, tall, big guy.  Well, I got what I prayed for.  He was 6'1" and 245 lbs, all mean muscle because he had his own gym at home and rode bike.  I just guess I forget to mention give me many many years with him and no brain cancer!!!! 

The first year we were together I had some money stashed from sale of my home and he was a general contractor and we basically took that first year and spent 10 to 15 hours a day together.  It was wonderful.  We were "re-meets".  Laurence had read scripture at my wedding in 1987 and we re-met again 4.5 years ago.  I was really looking forward to a new beginning with a beautifully gifted man.  He was preparing to go into the ministry and had already recorded 1 CD in his own "real" recording studio at home and was almost done with the 2nd.  Breaks my heart all of those beautiful songs will never be heard.

I don't really understand life at all.  Didn't really before, either, but now it seems pretty sad and scary.

I would like to hear about Clarence.

Carrie

carrieset

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2009, 07:18:55 PM »
Hi everbody again:  I get alot of comfort just venting and sharing here.  A few times during the year I go back to my hometown newspaper in Minnesota (I live in Phoenix with no family here) and I read the obituaries; just because I come from a small town and want to be kept up to date.  So often I would see these old people who were married for 65 years.  Always thought that would be me with my first marriage.  Then a hope for the second time around at getting it right.  I am almost 48, didn't really think I would be single and fending for myself and the kids, still.  I guess I'm not much of a woman's libber; always felt the husband was the head of the house; mom should be able to be home to raise the kids if she so choose; dad would back mom up, etccccccc.

I wonder what happened???????????

Looking forward to my first day tomorrow taking blood pressure meds, which can be added to the newly acquired antidepressant and anxiety meds.  Happy New Year!!!  I am sorry to sound so pessimistic; it has got to get better one day here.  I keep praying for God to keep my strong and to give me some peace.

Carrie

Michelle C

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #23 on: January 29, 2009, 05:10:21 PM »
Carrie....

where do I start....we started dating in Sept of 1999...We worked at the same post office...He used to bug me everyday ;D..... He finally heard someone say my name... He would say Michelle this and Michelle that... I would try to ignore him but he was EVERYWHERE...Every morning he would ask me if I needed a ride home...Finally one day he asked me if I wanted to take lunch w/ him.. and I said yes!!... We have been together ever since...I think we both worked so many hours those first 4 years just so that we could be together... We were almost in a higher tax bracket..lol...When we would see each other he would say, "tell me something I dont know" and I would tell him a new secret about myself.. This went on until the end....

He too was into his muscles and into God... He was about 210...He loved his motorcycle...He finally talked me into riding with him and surprising I love it.. He also got me into working out....And studying God more.. We started attending church and things were falling into place...

He would call me his angel but I really believe he was mine...I adored him!!!

Everyday he would say... did I tell u that I loved u today.. and I would laugh b/cuz he told me that non-stop...Those are the things that I miss the most... The late night talks and the little secrets that we shared...

I can go on and on.... (can u tell...lol)

Michelle C

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2009, 09:55:16 PM »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'  When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive a new blessing.  Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

mousewife

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #25 on: January 29, 2009, 10:38:04 PM »
I like this reference to what the Bible says.  It was good for me to read it tonight, because I have been very upset by some issues that have taken place and the nursing home where my mom is and I have been very disppinted in the gereral care for her.  I was so upset today because they recanted a statement that she was approved to a have a land line phone in her room, which would allow her best friend tocall her.  I had just explained this to my Mom, and now I get called back by the girl who fails to own up to telling me that before, and instead said she told me it was just the first step,  I had had enough of that, and called her on it this time.  I expressed that i was very angry about this.  When I asked why I was told it was now considered a safety issue.  This was laughable to me.  I asked her how a phone could be a threat to my mother, She couldn't say anything acept that her roommate might try to answer it and had no answer for why she has no problem answering the cell phone that I have in there now.  All I can get out of her is "they have said finally that you mother can not have a regular phone because it is a health risk.  I can't imagine a phone sprouting legs and arms during the night and sneaking over to my mother in the dark and rapping its courd around her neck.

I will try to let God lead me on this, but I am so frustrated about the petiness and unprofessional way the administration has treated us on several issue that I am pretty much ready to take my mom home and keep her with me.  I don't know if I can do it becuase I am still greiving so for my husband and trying to get off the anti-deperssants, and doing an internship three days a week, and an independant study concerning how to develop and set up suppor groups for those with alzheimer's who what to meet with others.  I have been asked to co-facilitate this group in a nearby city for 8 weeks. and I would need to make sure someone was with mom for that, so there are many things to consider and how they can be paid for. but she has spent so much money at the nursing home that she now qualifies for so much state assistance that would help us if I brought her home.  Those of you who pray please do so for this decision and that I can at least be respected enough to have the administrator call and speak to me about my concers.  That is only professional.  But today she would not call me, she just told the social service girl to call me back and say " the final descision has been made"  but they have not told me who and how that descision was made.  I believe I deserve this answer and so does my mom.

Michelle C

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2009, 04:21:00 PM »
Finally went to get Clarence's death cert yesterday.... soooo very hard to believe that its really over....in my mind, as long as I didn't have that paper.. just maybe I would wake up from this.....
They stated that the number one cause of death was gastrointestinal bleeding and the second cause was the liver tumor. So many questions: He died at the hospital that his doctor is located at for his gastrointestianal bleeding.. why didn't that doctor come up and try to fix it!!!!! He didn't even peep his head in the door to say anything to me about anything. Infact his cancer doctor called me on the phone to explain everything to me and to see if I fully understood that Clarence was leaving us... And at that point all I could do is say "yeah I think and how much longer do I have with him".... He said today.. if lucky tomorrow morning.. Of course it was that evening....
and why did they put a tube down his throat if his veins were weak???

I am Confused and Upset...

and then to top it off.. his son gave false information on the death cert... Before Clarence died his son stated that he thought his mom should get some insurance money...When Clarence mentioned this to me.. All I could say was... "Would by me giving up EVERYTHING prolong your life? cuz if so they can have it all"... I am by no means selfish...so what did his son do... he lied and said that they were still married... B/S...Not sure what he thought that would do but HR said that u can leave ur money to whomever u want to... Instead attacking me.. They should be thanking me for taking care of their father without any help from them!! Not one visit.. Not one phone call.. Not even a text or email... but as soon as he died...gotta text the next morning asking me if me and their dad married and if so when... They wanted his stuff... Couldn't even bury him first... couldn't even let me mourn... no peace... I told them that they are not transfering their guilt onto my back b/cuz I gave my all... I have done my best... I loved their Father!!!

Rainman

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #27 on: February 04, 2009, 08:29:37 PM »
Michelle,

I got Patty's Death Certificate in the mail on Monday.  Reading it was the most awful thing I think that I have ever had to do.  It sent me into a fit of hurt and crying as if it was the day she died.  Does this never STOP??  Hurt after hurt after hurt.

Michelle, my Patty died of a liver tumor also. 

Four weeks before she left me, a team of doctors met to discuss her condition and treatment(s).  When they came to talk with me, they actually used the word "CURE" for what they wanted to do.  I was elated.  I was ecstatic.  I was reborn.  I was going to get to keep my baby.  Then she crashed.  The rollercoaster ride was horrible.

I took eight weeks off of work to take care of her when she came home from the hospital the last time.  I thought that she was on the road to recovery.  We stayed at her daughter's house due to the layout and size of her house.  I slept on the floor, next to her bed, for all eight weeks.  I did everything for her, took her to the bathroom, gave her her meds, dressed her, cleaned her, fed her, rubbed her feet (she loved that), EVERYTHING!

Never once, have her kids said thanks or have acknowledged my love for her, or anything.  Her Son, didn't even come to the house (lives about 5 miles from there) the night she died, and he knew that she was going.  Her daughter went to bed while Patty was dying.  I was the only one with her when she took her last breath.  Thank God I was there. 

Michelle, you and I have had very similar, horrible experiences.  We must just love and grieve on our own with help from the wonderful "angels" on this website.

Ray







Jap Jr

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #28 on: February 04, 2009, 10:03:07 PM »
Michelle & Ray;

I did not get the death certificate in the mail; I had to go to the funeral home and get mine; 2 of Jim's daughters that are now the administrators of his estate, had the others mailed to them in Wisconsin (we live in Minnesota). It was like the final word that he was never coming home. It was so hard to open it and read; cried all the way home. It was like someone punched me in the gut.

I woke up yesterday and told myself I will just have to live with this awful pain and ache and lonliness; it doesn't go away. I am trying to work on everything, but then I get a rollercoaster ride and it all comes flooding back like a wave.

I go to the cemetary once a week; I haven't really seen any posts on if anyone else goes. It takes it all out of me when I am there, but it does help.

We didn't choose this journey in our lives, it was chosen for me.

Comfort to us all .....

carrieset

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2009, 11:01:56 PM »
Hi all:  Boy do I understand all of the posts here.  After Laurence got out of the hospital the first of July last year (after a May 1 tumor removal surgery) and then back in the hospital in June for 3 inoperable and then experimental chemo, I always stayed with him 24/7 until he was released from Dr. (prior surgeries he actually was released and drove and was cancer free).  Anyway he said "let's get married now".  Of course I was elated.  So it was to be the first of Oct.  The man had a ton of faith he was going to survive as he had previously.  But I also think for both of us it was trying to think life was "normal".  Anyway, his son who lives here in AZ was not pay about it and never spoke or saw his dad again until he was in hospice. 

His oldest daughter lives in another state and she called me before her dad was released from the hospital and kept asking me what my intentions where towards her dad.  I was like "What do you mean by that".  I had been with her dad by then for over 3 years.  She didn't want me to take care of him as I believe she thought he would sign over everything to me.  His house was paid for, all vehicles, no debt, life insurance, investment accounts.  Anyway I finally hung up on her. 

So both kids came to his house in near the middle of November.  I had been caring for him since October when MRI showed more cancer and he rejected anymore chemo.  Neither one of them one time sat next to his hospital bed in the living room, held his hand, nothing!!!!  All they did was have me explain his financial situation, what bills I had paid, etc.  Mind you, he could hear this going on.  They never even spent the night with him at his house once or even relieved me one day or night.

He had talked during the summer and fall about changing his will and his POA to me, but I told him no because his daughter had basically called me a "thief" and I wasn't in it for his possessions.

Anyway, the kids did have him moved to a hospice a week before Thanksgiving and same thing there; spend a few minutes; Here Dad, sign this paper.  By the way, what is the pin no. for your checking accounts.

When they came to his house, I knew that I had better take care of myself a bit financially as I have always had to drop my business and take care of him for 2.8 years and suffered alot of financial loss and much stress.  He did pay some of my bills, but mind you he was living off of his savings when he got ill.

So, I told him I had paid all of his bills, but I also needed to pay some of mine.  He said fine, no problem.  So I paid for November and December and then wrote myself a check for $1,000.  Altogether maybe it came to $2,500.
I wrote in his check register what I had paid for then for (for Carrie) behind it and left all his paperwork in nice piles which I had taken care of for months.  Put the checkbook on top of it.

A couple days after he was in hospice, both kids showed up at my house before I was going to go see their dad and asked me why I wrote checks for my bills out of his checkbook???????  Are you kidding me?  I told them I have taken care of your dad for most of this year and not been able to work.  And he told me I could.  I couldn't believe it.  They knew that I had gotten him into the Social Security office in between a surgery last spring and then the 3 inoperable.  He got a lump sum backpayment of $19,000 and frankly I wished I would have written a check for $5,000. 

That probably sounds very petty on my part, but I didn't realize after he died on Dec 24 what a gut wrenching thing this grief ride is, so it would have been nice to have a little something to rest on while I gather my wits about me.

They even "gutted" his house the first of December and took all of his cars away.  I was dismayed as it would have been nice if they would have waited until he was gone.  Unfortunately, I really think he knew that they weren't there for him and that made me really sad.

In fact, his son who lives here went to Nebraska a week before his dad died to spend Christmas with his older sister; he told Laurence's younger daughter that he "needed a break".  A break from getting all of his dad's finances in order?    His daughter is only 20 years old and he put her name on the top of the list to be called by hospice when he died.  Needless to say, she had no idea she was going to be called first and poor thing was inconsolable.  I think he could have waited to "take a break" until after his dad died.  Left me there all alone with his dad every day.

I realize I am rambling here, but isn't it disappointing?  When my parents go, I could care less what I get from them.  I have beautiful photos and memories and that is enough for me.

Neither one of the 2 older ones have ever called me to ask how am I doing or thank you for caring so much about our dad.

I had someone tell me that they probably couldn't deal with his dying and that's how they handled it.  I don't believe that's the case.  But not just here have I heard similar stories, but I have spoken to others who have experienced the same sort of thing.

Oh, and it gets better still.......after his memorial on Jan. 3, one of his kid's mom asked me if I was going to the luncheon afterwards.  I didn't even know about it as his oldest daughter did not invite me.

I am a very compassionate person and loved their dad more than anyone I have ever known.  He lost a little bit of his brain from the first surgery in april 2006 and was never the same.  I could tell but no one else really could.  I had to put up with alot and still stayed next to him through the whole roller coaster ride.

If only they knew.......

Peace and blessings to everyone, Carrie




They have never once called and thanked me.