Hi all: Boy do I understand all of the posts here. After Laurence got out of the hospital the first of July last year (after a May 1 tumor removal surgery) and then back in the hospital in June for 3 inoperable and then experimental chemo, I always stayed with him 24/7 until he was released from Dr. (prior surgeries he actually was released and drove and was cancer free). Anyway he said "let's get married now". Of course I was elated. So it was to be the first of Oct. The man had a ton of faith he was going to survive as he had previously. But I also think for both of us it was trying to think life was "normal". Anyway, his son who lives here in AZ was not pay about it and never spoke or saw his dad again until he was in hospice.
His oldest daughter lives in another state and she called me before her dad was released from the hospital and kept asking me what my intentions where towards her dad. I was like "What do you mean by that". I had been with her dad by then for over 3 years. She didn't want me to take care of him as I believe she thought he would sign over everything to me. His house was paid for, all vehicles, no debt, life insurance, investment accounts. Anyway I finally hung up on her.
So both kids came to his house in near the middle of November. I had been caring for him since October when MRI showed more cancer and he rejected anymore chemo. Neither one of them one time sat next to his hospital bed in the living room, held his hand, nothing!!!! All they did was have me explain his financial situation, what bills I had paid, etc. Mind you, he could hear this going on. They never even spent the night with him at his house once or even relieved me one day or night.
He had talked during the summer and fall about changing his will and his POA to me, but I told him no because his daughter had basically called me a "thief" and I wasn't in it for his possessions.
Anyway, the kids did have him moved to a hospice a week before Thanksgiving and same thing there; spend a few minutes; Here Dad, sign this paper. By the way, what is the pin no. for your checking accounts.
When they came to his house, I knew that I had better take care of myself a bit financially as I have always had to drop my business and take care of him for 2.8 years and suffered alot of financial loss and much stress. He did pay some of my bills, but mind you he was living off of his savings when he got ill.
So, I told him I had paid all of his bills, but I also needed to pay some of mine. He said fine, no problem. So I paid for November and December and then wrote myself a check for $1,000. Altogether maybe it came to $2,500.
I wrote in his check register what I had paid for then for (for Carrie) behind it and left all his paperwork in nice piles which I had taken care of for months. Put the checkbook on top of it.
A couple days after he was in hospice, both kids showed up at my house before I was going to go see their dad and asked me why I wrote checks for my bills out of his checkbook?
Are you kidding me? I told them I have taken care of your dad for most of this year and not been able to work. And he told me I could. I couldn't believe it. They knew that I had gotten him into the Social Security office in between a surgery last spring and then the 3 inoperable. He got a lump sum backpayment of $19,000 and frankly I wished I would have written a check for $5,000.
That probably sounds very petty on my part, but I didn't realize after he died on Dec 24 what a gut wrenching thing this grief ride is, so it would have been nice to have a little something to rest on while I gather my wits about me.
They even "gutted" his house the first of December and took all of his cars away. I was dismayed as it would have been nice if they would have waited until he was gone. Unfortunately, I really think he knew that they weren't there for him and that made me really sad.
In fact, his son who lives here went to Nebraska a week before his dad died to spend Christmas with his older sister; he told Laurence's younger daughter that he "needed a break". A break from getting all of his dad's finances in order? His daughter is only 20 years old and he put her name on the top of the list to be called by hospice when he died. Needless to say, she had no idea she was going to be called first and poor thing was inconsolable. I think he could have waited to "take a break" until after his dad died. Left me there all alone with his dad every day.
I realize I am rambling here, but isn't it disappointing? When my parents go, I could care less what I get from them. I have beautiful photos and memories and that is enough for me.
Neither one of the 2 older ones have ever called me to ask how am I doing or thank you for caring so much about our dad.
I had someone tell me that they probably couldn't deal with his dying and that's how they handled it. I don't believe that's the case. But not just here have I heard similar stories, but I have spoken to others who have experienced the same sort of thing.
Oh, and it gets better still.......after his memorial on Jan. 3, one of his kid's mom asked me if I was going to the luncheon afterwards. I didn't even know about it as his oldest daughter did not invite me.
I am a very compassionate person and loved their dad more than anyone I have ever known. He lost a little bit of his brain from the first surgery in april 2006 and was never the same. I could tell but no one else really could. I had to put up with alot and still stayed next to him through the whole roller coaster ride.
If only they knew.......
Peace and blessings to everyone, Carrie
They have never once called and thanked me.