Hello Michelle C
Your expression of heartache is so honest and real and one that I certainly relate to and many others here on this website. You feel that a part of you is gone, gone forever. It is difficult to watch as life continues as normal for everyone else around you – it is as if you are stuck in a time warp, stuck in a bad dream.
During my intense grief I used to wonder just how many other people out their like me suffering such heartache and yet still we have to function in the world. Waking up in the morning and experiencing that gut wrenching agony that he is not here, when I did sleep it was a relief from the reality of my world.
Sadly, in our society I don’t believe we give people the time needed to deal with the loss of a loved one. It’s as if we are expected to ‘dust off’ and ‘get on with it’ despite the intense heartache being experienced. Your life as you have known it is changed forever and with that comes enormous adjustment, courage, faith and time to heal.
Michelle it is very early days for you since Clarence died – your life as you have known it has ended, it is going to take time to rebuild your shattered life. Be kind to yourself, express your heartache, your fears, your loneliness and avoid people who do not give you the support that you need at this difficult time and in the days and months ahead.
Take small steps, there were many things that I did to try and find peace in my turmoil, I would force myself each day to find 5 beautiful things to be grateful for, I would walk out into the garden and look at a flower, look at the sky, a sunset anything I could possibly find to find beauty and wonder in then I would write down the 5 things I found that day that I could somehow see beauty and joy in. My journal became my safe sanctuary, where I would write and express my pain, many a time I thought I would drown in my tears. I then joined a meditation group and discovered the benefits of mediation – slowly but surely there were moments of peace that I could find from my troubled world.
It is now 16 years since my adored husband died, there is rarely a day goes by that I do not think of him but now I am able to remember him with joy in my heart and gratefulness that I shared something so beautiful. You will emerge a different person Michelle through this, it is a difficult road – but take the support that is around you and remember you are never truly alone.
Sending you love and blessings
Omanilady