Author Topic: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009  (Read 15217 times)

Michelle C

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My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« on: January 23, 2009, 08:43:02 PM »
There is not one minute of the day that goes by without me thinking of my clarence... We were perfect together. He was the piece I was missing.We started dating 10 years ago... and was together all the way up to his last breath. He died from liver cancer... The doctors said that he had up to a year to live but he only lived 4 months. Even on the last day, I couldnt believe that he was really leaving me... No words left unspoken between us.. Love was a big part of our relationship. He reminded me everyday just how much I meant to him and just how blessed he was to have me... I was his world and he was my everything. Now I am empty.. I come home to an empty house.. I wake up to an empty bed.. I go to work feeling empty inside and I hate my life right now.. How does this work?? How can ppl be so happy when I am sick inside?? Life just goes on.. but it seems like my ended at 7:05pm on 01/06/2009

Jillers

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2009, 09:06:57 PM »
Hi Michelle,

I'm new to this site too and I wish we didn't have loss in common. This is so new I totally understand how sad you must be. My sister had colon cancer that spread to her liver and lungs, it is coming up on 2 months. I'm sure you were an amazing caregiver in his final months. It is a impossible feeling to take care of someone who you know is going to pass and have to watch them go. Like you my sister and I didn't have anything left unsaid and for that I'm grateful. The loneliness on losing a partner must be so difficult. Nothing make you feel better (or it hasn't for me) but reading books on how to deal with grief and being around family that understands helps. My thoughts are with you, I understand.

Jillers

LLM

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2009, 05:47:55 AM »
I lost my boyfriend of 11 years on 12-21-08. He had a stroke, was in a coma and woke up and I thought he was going to be ok but a week later he had a fatal stroke and died. I still can't believe it. I miss him so much. Life seems pointless, nothing matters, and I don't care about anything. He was the only one who really understood me and all I see ahead is emptiness and lonliness and I don't know if I can go on so I totally understand you.


Jap Jr

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2009, 02:16:38 PM »
I lost Jim from cancer, (death certificate said non-small cell lung cancer & metastasized to his liver and bones) was diagnosed in August 2008 and was told he had many years to live with treatment; and died on November 21, 2008; 4 months later (he had colon cancer surgery about 6 years ago). Went to the ER with not feeling good, pain in his stomach and low blood pressure; he had been on chemo pills, then had radiation treatments; he had an IV chemo treatment 2 days earlier; 12 hours later; they said he had sepsis; it still was not expected. My world is turned upside down. We knew we loved each other; we were supposed to be married this year (we had both been before). I was there with him when he took his last breath. The pain is still raw. No amount of words can express how much I miss him and want him back; the waking up alone, going to bed alone; crying. Jim and I thought we'd never find anyone, but found each other. I found a grief group and that helps until I go home to our empty home. Family and friends are there to talk, but how can their lives just keep going on, when I feel the pain I do. It just does not seem fair. I am glad for this site and the people here; though it is not for the reasons we want to be.

Luvinmike

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2009, 04:31:01 PM »
Thinking of you Michelle, Jillers, MML and Jap jr.- so sorry. I miss my husband everyday. The thing our son said helped me. He said, "Mom, the only thing that could be worse is if just some people die." We all will have our time.
 It is the thing in life we can't control- our own or another's death. I like to fix things, so I go nuts sometimes trying to undo this. Acceptance that it really did happen is the only way, and it is a long and hard road. Knowing we are all in this together, that many know this indescribable emotion called grief, in some small way helps.
 One deep breath at a time. Thoughts of strength go out to all of you on this thread and this site. Terri

Jap Jr

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2009, 06:08:27 PM »
Teri; don't know the age of your son, but he is wise beyond his years; sometimes the innocence of our children can stop you in your tracks and say, wow.

Even though I lost my brother 19 years ago and both my parents 5 & 6 years ago (11 months apart), it still does not make it any easier losing Jim. The pain is beyond words. My whole world has been torn apart the second he passed. It is hell on earth. I had so much anger that I wanted someone else in my family to have a loss, just so they could feel the massive pain I am going through; I know that is terrible and awful, but that was my reaction to this grief. I am doing those deep breaths; have to or I would pass out. Tomorrow at church, the mass is being said for Jim; I have not been back to church since it happened; too mad at God for taking Jim from me; it will be a hard mass. I am so greatful to have found this site and all of you.

omanilady

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2009, 06:50:22 PM »
Hello Michelle C
Your expression of heartache is so honest and real and one that I certainly relate to and many others here on this website. You feel that a part of you is gone, gone forever. It is difficult to watch as life continues as normal for everyone else around you – it is as if you are stuck in a time warp, stuck in a bad dream.

During my intense grief I used to wonder just how many other people out their like me suffering such heartache and yet still we have to function in the world. Waking up in the morning and experiencing that gut wrenching agony that he is not here, when I did sleep it was a relief from the reality of my world.

Sadly, in our society I don’t believe we give people the time needed to deal with the loss of a loved one. It’s as if we are expected to ‘dust off’ and ‘get on with it’ despite the intense heartache being experienced. Your life as you have known it is changed forever and with that comes enormous adjustment, courage, faith and time to heal.

Michelle it is very early days for you since Clarence died – your life as you have known it has ended, it is going to take time to rebuild your shattered life. Be kind to yourself, express your heartache, your fears, your loneliness and avoid people who do not give you the support that you need at this difficult time and in the days and months ahead.
 
Take small steps, there were many things that I did to try and find peace in my turmoil, I would force myself each day to find 5 beautiful things to be grateful for, I would walk out into the garden and look at a flower, look at the sky, a sunset anything I could possibly find to find beauty and wonder in then I would write down the 5 things I found that day that I could somehow see beauty and joy in. My journal became my safe sanctuary, where I would write and express my pain, many a time I thought I would drown in my tears. I then joined a meditation group and discovered the benefits of mediation – slowly but surely there were moments of peace that I could find from my troubled world.

It is now 16 years since my adored husband died, there is rarely a day goes by that I do not think of him but now I am able to remember him with joy in my heart and gratefulness that I shared something so beautiful. You will emerge a different person Michelle through this, it is a difficult road – but take the support that is around you and remember you are never truly alone.   
Sending you love and blessings
Omanilady

Michelle C

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2009, 09:09:11 PM »
Thanks for all of the kind words.. Today was very hard!! I am tired of playing the role of being ok.. When I really am not. I wish that I could turn off my brain.. I hate to think.. Before he died I asked him if he thought about his illness 24/7 and he said yes.. I really couldnt understand but now I do b/cuz all I do is think about him.. I started to write down my feelings but they are so mixed up... I havent had a good day yet... I just miss his little sayings... I didnt realize that he had lost that much weight until I looked back over the pictures...I still thought he looked wonderful... He prepared me for his death... He prepared me to be strong.... I told him that I would miss him everyday and I do... If I could have taken just a little pain from him that day...The look in his eyes told me that he understood... We prayed together and he told me that he was coming home.. I just didnt understand that he meant to God's house.. NOT ours... My friends are going on vacation and drinking wine with their husbands and I am sitting here alone wondering why...

Jap Jr

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2009, 10:15:51 PM »
Michelle;  guess you can't sleep either. I started for bed, but .... people at work and my family all talking about going on vacations and it just stabs me like a knife. I want it to be Jim and I; we had several planned for this year. The world just seems to keep on moving faster and I can barely get through the next hour. I used to ask people didn't they think he looked good - but I saw him everyday, and I didn't realize how he changed so much, until I looked at pictures from just over the last few months. I had to put pictures away the first week or so, now I need to have them everywhere I go. Jim wanted something for pain, but they didn't want to give him too much, because his blood pressure was so low; I, too, wanted to take his pain for him. I miss him so much; going to bed and waking up alone and crying because I want him there next to me. Didn't even get dressed today; it was -32 below with windchill, so was nice to stay inside anyway. Would have been the best if Jim was there next to me.

friedgen

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #9 on: January 25, 2009, 12:26:20 PM »
You have said everything that has gone through my head and still does.  Every night I go to bed, every time I walk in my empty house. It is so wonderful you two were able to convey your love up to the very end.  My husband and I told each other we loved each other every day, including that day at lunch when he left the house for the very last time, even though we thought we would have that night and every day after for the next 50 years at least.  Life can be cruel and the hurt will last for such a long time.  It will be 6months on Feb. 6th.  At times the pain still feels so raw and life unfair for my children and I.  My children are only 10 and 13.  I have found amazing stories of surviving and hope at this sight.  Visit here often and find strength through the people I feel are my angels here.  They have much wisdom and strength.

Friedgen

georgiapeaches

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2009, 02:02:44 PM »
Michelle,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I also lost my husband this year. Yes people do just go on with or without you. It is very sad though. your in my prayers.

georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

carrieset

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2009, 02:11:19 PM »
I am so sorry about your terrible loss.  I HATE cancer!!   I understand your pain.   This is really really hard every minute of the day.  My Laurence died on Dec 24 08 and I find myself having a harder time now than I did right after it happened.  We were together almost 4 years.  He had brain cancer in April 06; then another tumor in June 06; then 2 more surgeries for complications (all in 4 months) and came away cancer free.  Then last March it was back; had another surgery and then a few weeks later 3 inoperable tumors; went through horrific "experimental chemo" which ended up crippling him.  I was his caregiver, too, then finally on to hospice.  It was so difficult to watch him lose his mind and not be able to speak.  He was so brave and had huge faith that he would make it through; I was praying constantly that he would, too. 

Stay with this site and talk to people; I just got on here myself as after awhile it seems my phone stopped ringing because no one wants to hear the sadness in my voice.  I am going to grief counseling which I started a couple weeks after he died. 

It is hard work trying to keep motivated to go on.  I congratulated myself today for finally taking a shower after 5 days.  No kidding!  I work at home so I just didn't care.

Sometimes I just want to scream HELP!!!  I am so sorry for all of us.

Carrie

Michelle C

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2009, 04:13:34 PM »
Today I came home for lunch (as I did most everyday while he was sick) and when i went back to work... I was crying my eyes out and when my supervisor saw this he told me that I will have to free Clarence's spirit and that I can not bring him back etc... I wanted to scream at him... I am sick of ppl telling me to let it go.. it's only been 20 DAYS!!!... I want my life back!!  I am sick of hearing ur still young.... and the worst one yet is... Life in Life out. You see I had a granddaughter born the week before....As much as I love my granddaughter... I want my other life back... I did not raise my hand and say that I wanted a switch...I did not want to replace a NEW with my OLD... I love my old life.... I am so confused right now

Luvinmike

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #13 on: January 26, 2009, 04:34:49 PM »
Oh Carrie and Michelle, all of us here together. I am so sorry. My deepest prayers to you in coming to terms with the death of our loved ones. I rail against this beast called grief on a regular basis- still my Mike is gone from his usual spots, we all just want to have another moment. Or to change just one thing and still have them here. I am more able to manage my grief at eight months. And some moments seem sort of hopeful, when I can be okay for a bit.
But it is taking a lot of energy to do the basics. It is so heartbreaking to miss someone so much. To cry to depths we didn't know we had. All I can say is I am so sorry. Try to look into the sky for some reassurance that it is all much larger and more beautiful than we can ever know until we go too. Alternating committments with down time, journal, exercise, therapy etc. yoga and deep breathing- mainly for me- a good friend who will listen to me cry and not try to do anything about my life- who just gets it. My family and friends are also missing my husband, and sometimes I forget that. Call someone or email someone who your spouse liked, it works. it helps. Prayers go out to you in strength and endurance. Terri

kevinjj

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Re: My baby love passed away on 01/06/2009
« Reply #14 on: January 26, 2009, 07:13:05 PM »
I so sorry for you loss and really you are just out of shock so I urge you to get with a grief group and enroll in counseling to have someone who is not attached in any way to talk to and sort your feelings with. It is going to be very difficult for a while, there is no way around it but stay in touch with us. I had to force myself to engage with people in non-grief things to I could have some bits of normal, non-death related activities.