Author Topic: missing Jim  (Read 5198 times)

Jap Jr

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missing Jim
« on: January 20, 2009, 09:08:05 AM »
I miss Jim so much; Jap Jr as I affectionately called him; it will only be 2 short months tomorrow that we lost him. He was diagnosed in August 2008 with cancer and passed on November 21, 2008 (he had colon cancer surgery about 6 years ago). It was not expected; went to the ER because he did not feel right and blood pressure was low - 12 hours later. It has been so hard.

Where is God when this is happening? Where is the miracle we prayed for? Why would he take him? Doesn't seem fair. Jim wanted to live so badly. The anger is there and is scares me.

Getting through the Holidays was so painful and awful. We were to be married this year 2009. I was getting a ring for Christmas. He was not able to get out get one yet he said, as he was taking OT & PT to get walking again, he had a rod put in his leg in September, because the cancer had weakened it. New Years Eve was the most difficult as our 1st date was on NYE 2004. We were both married before and have several grown children. My 3 children and grandson do not live near here. I have alot of family around, but it is not the same. They do keep in touch and visit, which helps.

I am going to a grief group that started last week, for 7 weeks. It helps some while I am there to hear of others going through the same loss, but then I leave and have to go to our empty home, and the lonliness and the missing of him being there. I used to be happy wanting to get home after a day at work. I didn't want to come back to work and once I did, I didn't want to leave and go home, because I didn't want to be there alone.

It's all I can do to get out of bed in the mornings; I cry going to bed at night and cry in the morning when I wake up with that pit in my stomach and realize I will never have him home again. It is so unbearable at times, that I wonder if I can make it to the next hour. Sleep in not there either, or my hunger.

I look at his pictures everyday and makes me cry.  He is my EVERYTHING and I just can't imagine going on without him. We had so much to look forward to.

It jsut plain hurts.

kevinjj

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2009, 09:23:07 AM »
I am truly sorry for your loss and I can relate to everything you say. I vividly remember coming home from work the first day back to that empty house, walking in and  she wasn't there. I wouldn't wish the nightmare of those first few months on the devil himself but the pain will begin to ease and everything you are feeling and experiencing is normal, though you feel like you are about to lose your mind and break down completely. Please take care of yourself and make yourself eat and get some sleeping pills from your doctor if necessary. If you get sick and your health suffers, the intensity of your emotions only grows and it feels even worse.

friedgen

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2009, 10:07:53 AM »
My heart pours out to you.  I lost my husband to a motorcycle accident in which someone did not see him.  He was hit and went through two surgeries and fought for seven hours till he could not fight anymore.  He lost his fight at 8:30 pm, Aug. 6, 2008.  He also wanted to live so badly and loved his life and family.  I know all the same questions and feelings.  It has been five months and the questions have no answers, the loneliness is still unbearable at times.  I felt that loneliness before having my dream.  I hope you are able to have some dreams of your own.  It helps a little, to feel that connection.  Remember, the love can not be taken away by death.  Love is stronger than death.  I truly believe that.  I hold on to that to help find my way through this.  Find strength in the people that love you, the love your husband had for you and this web sight.  We all unfortunately know this journey.  It stinks, but we are all here for each other.  Don't let the grief beat you.  Thank you for commenting on my post.

Friedgen

Jap Jr

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2009, 11:11:31 AM »
I have been able to journal; something I have never done in my life, and that seems to help at the time. I have gone to the cemetary and screamed my lungs out and surprised no one came to "take me away"; I have been driving and it hits me and I pound on the steering wheel and ask WHY? I am trying to eat, as I keep remembering I would tell Jim that when he was going through chemo; that he had to eat, so I hear those words coming back at me. It still doesn't help. The lonliness and missing him are just unreal. I cannot stop crying. The sleep comes and goes. I am really trying to just get through each day, but it is a challenge. I don't know how I found this site, but I am thankful I did. I will need all of you ..........

kevinjj

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2009, 12:05:31 PM »
Short term memory loss is real common and normal too. That is disturbing to many people, that all of a sudden, a person starts being very forgetful. The powerful emotions that keep coming begin to occupy space that normally is occupied by objective, short term memory data and it gets sent deeper into the brain and we forget to do things, we can't find things that aren't really lost, etc. that is normal too for many people. I made alot of lists and notes to myself the first few months. One time I made a note to myself to read the list I had made of things that needed to be done. We get 'bent' by grief, very normal and very easily.

Jap Jr

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2009, 09:46:57 AM »
kevinjj; you have so many good things to share - at my job I was able to remember so many little things and never had to write them down, but I am doing lists now, I have to; or I call my house phone and will leave a message there. The strong emotions that come so easily now, just make me frustrated; not being able to think of a word or someones name and then it turns to stress. I had to make a note for me to bring blue jeans or wear them to work, so I could go to the cemtary; there is so much snow here, and it's a 15-20 minute drive. Jim was able to keep me on task. I look at his pictures here by my desk and see his smiling face and us together; it just hurts, makes me cry. I want "we" back.

kevinjj

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2009, 09:59:54 AM »
Just keep posting and making lists. In another group , a woman told one time how she found her toothbrush in her freezer. About a month after Betty died, I lost my billfold. I searched frantically in every room several times, out in the shed, in the car - I called my step son to come over and help me look then went to the bathroom and it was lying there on the floor in plain view and I had been in there a couple of times. It's all normal and your short term memory will return in due time. The powerful emotions just take us where they will and we lose track of things and events  and thats why it is important to stay has healthy as you can - many people get sick -   My step daughter had a series of infections for about the first 4 months.  I've developed lung problems myself and more than once I truly believed I was losing my mind, understandably so.

Jap Jr

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2009, 10:33:39 AM »
It's nice to get along with your step-children; since Jim and I were not married yet, a couple of his younger children are not being kind, and that hurts on top of all the rest I have to go through. He has 8 children between 17-40 (he lost a 19 yr old son). Has anyone had to deal with that? My 3 boys got along with him wonderfully, and respected him alot. I realize they are going through a great loss, too, and I and others in my family have been there to help them. The one who lived here, is moving back to the state where her mother and 2 other sisters are. I do have contact with a couple of them. One has in-laws here, too, and she will be here in March and will contact me. Maybe this isn't the place to ask this, but I was just wondering. They were fine when he was alive. I've asked them if they are getting any help and they said they have (very young) children to get them through. The youngest one, who is 17 this weekend, is getting counceling in school. Just had to get this out. I miss their Dad so much - I don't want to lose touch, as they are all a part of him that is left.

Rainman

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2009, 06:40:02 PM »
Geez, can I relate.  My wife, Patty, died 29 days ago.  I gave her grown children "permission" to come into our home about a week after Patty died to go through her things and recoup what they wanted.  I was at work and trusted them.  I got home and had 2 computers taken, a TV and a VCR.  It felt like they kicked me in the stomach.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am feeling the same hurt, emptiness and lack of motivation to do anything.  This site, and the wonderful people here, whom I call angels, have helped me every step of the way to start the healing process.  Please, keep coming back and talking with us.

Ray

kevinjj

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2009, 08:20:21 PM »
That was some bad treatment you got, Ray, you didn't deserve that. I've been truly lucky and fortunate to have gotten very close to Betty's large, extended family over the years. Grief hits us so badly and so hard and so often we see other hard things coming the way of mourners - it can be so unfair and really hurt but I have always said there is nothing, ever again, that can be as bad as seeing my wife dead for the first time, followed by seeing her in her casket and the casket at the grave. That is an odd source of strength we have, we have been hit in the hardest way possible and we continue living as best we can because that is what we are supposed to do and what our deceased loved ones would want and expect of us.

Jap Jr

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2009, 08:29:52 AM »
I realize everyone grieves in their own way, but some people just seem to be so cruel. We are in such an emotional state and pain, can barely think to the next moment, and they "want things" immediately. I have not been able to go through much of Jim's; there were some items that were his mothers and family, that I gave back to the kids; I didn't know her, was just going to meet her this spring, so I felt they should have those things back, even his war medal; he had a couple and had given one to his grandson already. I did get the flag presented to me at the funeral; I can hardly stand to hear taps played anywhere, and the 21-gun salute makes me jump. The last time it did that to me, was at my Dad's funeral 5 years ago; I lost both parents 11 months apart 5 & 6 years ago and a brother 19 years ago.

I woke up today, and told myself that I will think only happy thoughts about Jim, nothing sad, but it still took all I could to get out of bed; I cried and wanted to crawl back under the covers. I think I am doing OK, and them BOOM! it hits like a ton of bricks and I am back to that vicious pain as if it was the day he died.

The last week or so, I have a fear of something happening to my loved ones, brothers or sisters or close friends. It takes my breath away. I haven't seen anything on this feeling. Yesterday, a close friend here at work just had a biopsy for possible breast cancer, and it scared me, I cried for her.

I, like a few others, found this site by accident looking for something else, but I am so thankful I did; talking face-to-face is better, but the help, wisdom, prayers and mutual love I have gotten from my short time in here, has kept me going. It's not a site anyone wants to be on, but at least we know we have each other to help us through.

The weekends are so long; we loved them and the time always went so fast. There are well-meaing family and friends, but they just don't understand I need to go at my own pace; I don't want them to give up on me if I say, No I can't today - they go on day to day, as if nothing happened; I can't do that. Something terrible did happen to us.

Ray, that was terrible, I can understand your feelings; I surely would hope they took other things of their mothers that meant more to them, if not, that is very sad. I realize those things can be replaced, but it is the "trust" issue. We have 2 cars in storage and one is in Jim's name, so his children will be coming to get that when spring is here; it can't be driven in the winter. Again, it is a car, but it was a major part of our life together of what we did with the car club; I do not look forward to the day it will be driven away. It will be a big piece of Jim being taken from me again.

kevinjj - you are so right, there is nothing worse than seeing your loved one like you described; nothing.


LLM

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2009, 08:44:32 AM »
I can relate to all you have said. I can't even look at his picture without crying. I truly don't care if I live or die. I wish I would get into a car accident or something just to take this pain away. But, I have an adult son who just lost his father, ( my ex-husband) 6 months ago so even though I have thought of suicide I couldn't do it to him. I keep wondering what else will be next and worried something else bad is going to happen that I will not be able to handle.

I did start going to a grief group last week and have started to see a therapist and it does seem to help. What is hurtful is that friends and family don't talk about it anymore. No one asks really about how I am doing--they talk about anything else but my loss.

My boyfriend was only 48 years old and we had talked of marriage many times ans now I wish we would have gone through with it. I feel like people don't take my loss as seriously because we were not married.

The pain is truly unbearable at times and I feel as if my heart is literally being ripped out of my body.

Jap Jr

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Re: missing Jim
« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2009, 09:12:30 AM »
LLM;     Jim and I were to be married sometime this year. I understand your feeling like people don't take you as seriously. I was getting a ring for Christmas or else New Years Eve, so because I don't have a ring on my finger, they find it hard to say I was his fiancee, even though they know it. Our 1st date was on NYE 2004, so the Holidays were hard for me. We buried him 2 days before Thanksgiving.

I just want him back to much, he didn't want to die and it was unexpected. Went to the hospital and 12 hours later. I screamed at the doctors and nurses that there must be something they can do, as we are at a hospital. I went nuts there. It was so unbelievable. I need "us" back.

I am going to a grief group also, but there are only 4 of us. I guess I thought  there would be more, but the person running it is very good, so I have to hold onto that; it's only for 7 weeks.  There is another starting in February that goes for 14 weeks; I need all I can get. Don't want to go; none of us do for the reasons we have to, but I do think it will help.

The first couple of weeks I had to put all pictures away, it was just too painful to see his smiling face staring at me. Now I have to have pictures everywhere I look. I need to see his face; yes, it makes me cry; and at work it's worse, because I have to leave my desk and go to the bathroom or in another room; at home I can just scream and cry and let it out.

My days and nights are awful; going to be alone and crying and waking up alone and crying and that pit and ache in my stomach. I hug his pillow all the time.