Author Topic: Why doesn't Adam visit me?  (Read 5368 times)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Why doesn't Adam visit me?
« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2009, 05:49:36 AM »
Terry & Judy: Thank you for our replies to my posts. I think I need to make sense of why Adam is gone. He seemed to have it all. He was handsome, smart, witty, kind, sweet, loving, sensitive and I loved him so much. To me, the Mom is the heart and glue of the family. I look back and see so many things that I would do differently that I sadly feel confident was major contributing factors to my son's life and demise. It doesn't matter that I didn't do the things that came out negatively in the end intentionally or not. The bottom line is the result. When I delivered Adam's eulogy I paraphrased the saying that "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions & I've been on this road for a very long time, trying to get off and find myself right back on" for that is how I feel. Is it OK when something tragic occurs that the person responsible says Oops, I didn't mean it to happen or I would make better choices the next time? Some mistakes are small and they are good learning tools but some are GINORMOUS and there are no do overs. I truly know what you are all saying to me and I love & appreciate you & your kind words. It makes sense when I read them but in my innermost soul I know that I failed. So once again, I put on the facade and move on with life while I am dying on the inside.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

tsoley

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Re: Why doesn't Adam visit me?
« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2009, 07:12:27 PM »
Paula,
I just read your last post. I can so vividly hear and feel your pain. You are so distraught and I am so sorry that I can't be there to at least give you a hug. There are no right words to say because your pain is so very real and intense. I am just so very sorry. For whatever mistakes you have made as a mother, please know that Adam has forgiven you, just as you have forgiven him for any mistakes he has made. Take his forgiveness Paula, and try to forgive yourself. It will be hard, I know, but you can do it. Just keep remembering that Adam forgave you a long time ago. Keep looking inside your heart...its there. Hugs and blessings to you.

Tammy
Tammy (Jordan's Mom)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Why doesn't Adam visit me?
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2009, 05:49:27 AM »
I don't know if Adam has forgiven me or G-d. I am not quite certain I am forgivable or worthy. Adam was such a sweet boy and I know that he would say to me he understands just to be soothing. It's the innermost honest feelings of his that I failed. Those are the demons that plagued my boy, the ones that in the end I couldn't save him from. I don't think that I'll ever come to a peaceful resolution of this within myself. I will go on as I would not put my spouse and other children through me trying to kill myself again. That wasn't kind to them and I will always try to be living a kinder more conscientious life towards all. I am pragmatic, I know the bottom line truth and this is it. When I am feeling stronger the regrets are able to be pushed aside a bit easier. The crash and burn of after the holidays have put in me into a sorrowful place. I hope to claw my way out of this frightful place as it is extremely uncomfortable. But then again so is life since Adam left.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings