Dumbstruck

[WendyRN]

Although I read every day, I have been finding it so difficult to actually engage.  It has been 17 months since Keith left me behind.  In so many ways, I am finding this second year to be more difficult.  The intensity of emotions has dulled somewhat.  Such powerful emotion is not sustainable.  But his loss is felt more acutely.  Most of the time I live in reality that Keith really is gone.  Sometimes I am shocked with this belief.  Still.  It seems I have been in a new stage for some months.  Wanting to try engaging in life.  But not.  Too totally fatigued to manage.  Its all I can do to get off to work.  Every workday I struggle to get out the door.  I guess this is a stage of trying to learn to live with this loss.  Am I in the process of learning to accept?

Wendy, Keith's mom

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

((Wendy)) I feel like your words came out of my mouth. It's just the process of living with the demise of our sons. Boy you and I, nurses by profession, help so many and look at us with our tragedy. No one can help us with this. Just time to heal and time to reunite with them ultimately.

[Jeanneb]

Wendy,

I sooooo understand what you are saying.  The first year I now call my shock and awe.... in shock for the most part and just having all those firsts coming.  Then the second year, BAM, no more shock, no more what to expect... it was all in my face and the wishing and hoping it was all a dream was this is my reality... this is it... he isn't coming back.  The heart and the head were still are different wave lengths... knowing I needed to move forward but barely able to put one foot in front of the other.  Continually asking why am I here???  Just so very very tired....

I found the second year as just the worst.  Reality had come and slapped me right between the eyes...  Then sometime along the way leading up to now which has been over 5 years it just became softer.  I want to be back among the living...

I think from what I've experienced and what has been shared with me from other grieving parents this is pretty normal.  For me I realize this is when I was trying to learn to accommodate all of this into this new life I had been thrust into.

Walking beside you,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[tsoley]

I can say that I feel the same way. Sometimes I think I am going to be okay, and then I remember.....There is no more shock, just the inability to actually belive that this is now my life.

[Dena]

Wendy -

We are forced into this "new life". It doesn't mean we are ready to live it.  After the numbness & shock comes the raw reality.  Our bodies protect us from that in the beginning, but even in time, we still have a sudden intake of breath from the shock.

You are in the very beginnings of the process of learning to walk in these new shoes.  Somedays we can stride forward and maybe even see some hope. Other days, it is a few steps or stumbles backward.

Be patient with you and when you feel the desire to engage, do it slowly and with small steps.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

As Judy said, reality sets in and the second year is worse..