Author Topic: Will This Always Define My Life  (Read 3204 times)

LuAnn

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Will This Always Define My Life
« on: December 21, 2008, 04:39:20 PM »
I haven't been on this board for a long time. For a while it was just too hard to be here but also a comfort  to know that I could come back.

In the past 4 years I have lost a 5 year old grandson, a 32 year old cousin, my oldest son )my grandson's daddy) and my nephew. They all died of separate accidents.

I know that the holidays are horrible and distort all my emotions. Will these deaths always define me? Will I always feel like such a freak because I take a handful of pills in the morning and another handful at night because I am so depressed? Will I always feel like I'm slighting my other children and grandchildxren be cause I seem to concentrate more on the ones that are gone than the ones that are here? Will I ever be able to hold a job again? Will I ever be me again?

Thank you for your support.

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2008, 04:55:07 PM »
((LuAnn)) No, I don't think that you will ever be the "Old You" again. We suffer tragic losses we cannot help but to react to them. For each person how they handle grief is absolutely personal and their own, yet their are so many commanlities in this grief journey. You have lost so many treasured people in your life, it's no wonder that you are depressed. Kicking and screaming I went back to work and the 1st year of it was a fog. I also worked really hard with a lot of soul searching, therapy and meds to be able to get off my meds. For me, I needed to see who Paula was without the meds. I don't know if I will remain off of them forever, but for now, it works. I still remain in therapy. I imagine that you will define your life in the happiest and saddest moments of your life. Losing loved ones is life defining. Since we can't change what happened to them and to us as a result, I feel a need to embrace it, own it and move on from here. It truly is a moment to moment ride in time. Some moments are better than others. See if you an take a chance on moving out of the niche you have carved out for yourself and try to venture a step into employment again and see if helps you. I would rather not be working, finances demand it, and it does get me going when I would rather remain in bed under the covers crying for my loss. Good luck and post again. It's hard work this grief journey of ours.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2008, 04:57:12 PM »
((( LuAnn))))) I wish I knew. You have had so many losses and I think in a way it does define us. We are changed forever.  I don't know what else to say other than we are all in this together whether we want to be or not. I am thankful for others here who care. Love, Brenda

Annie1973

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2008, 11:15:05 PM »
Dear LuAnn,
when my only son died on June 7th of this year, I became a different person, my grandaughter became a different child, you ask will you always be the way the way you are now? No. But you will never be who you were when your son died, when your nephew died, when your cousin died, and when your precious little grandson died.
I know nothing about the handfull of pills you take twice a day, I hope the one who has prescribed them for you is helping you manage the deeply painful areas of your life and not just giving you refills.
When those we love so dearly die, we are forced to re-create ourselves, re-think everything we have known as long as we have been alive. It is a confusing time that we have to re-define every day. There will always be companions here for you to walk beside, for you to vent to, for you to ask the questions only another who has suffered the losses you have suffered. Please just keep coming to tell us what is on your mind. We all learn from one another, we all have the capacity to help one another.
Thank you for your trust, you are not alone, and we all need each other more than any of us will ever know.
Annie (Dans mom)
Much love,
Annie (Dans mom)

Marianne

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2008, 08:26:16 AM »
LuAnn,

I will never forget a statement that Paul Newman made.  He said.  I see my life in two parts.  Before my son died... and after.

I find that is so true.  My life is so different now, without Alek's physical presence.  It's really before and after.

We just have to allow ourselves to live in this part of our lives.  It is not what we planned.  It is not what we wanted.  It just is.

If I have to get up and cry for an hour.  I do it.  If I need help getting to sleep, I take it.  If I need a friend's shoulder to cry on, I call them.  It may sound selfish, but we just have to do what we need to do to get through the worst.  It's okay.  Just remember to take care of yourself.  And sometimes it helps to just love those around you.  There are times when I hold my step daughters just a little longer.  They are okay with it.  They know I am soaking in their love because I need a little extra that day.

You are not alone.  We understand.
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2008, 05:28:15 PM »
luann,
  you've lost so many family members. i don't think you'll ever be who you were before.
or for me i know i'll never be who i was before my niece(candi-23) was killed may13,2005. sometime's i feel like you that my other kids are being cheated because my life is consumed by the loss of CANDI.
keeping you in my prayers.

martha

georgiapeaches

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2008, 07:23:50 PM »
Hi Luann, I am so sorry for all your losses. I know after my husband died everything changed , not only me, my kids our lifestyle, everything. Nothing can stay the same after something so traumatic. But I am so sorry you are going through so much. As far as you taking a handfull of pills, I understnad where your coming from, but therpey would be a better way, the doctors are trying to push pills on my daughter, but I am to scared for her frame of mind. Please take care.

Georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

Debh

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2008, 10:13:06 PM »
LuAnn, I can remember asking the questions you are asking. I lost four jobs in two years after the boys died. Felt I had to work to keep occupied but couldn't hold onto a job. This effected my self esteem, depression, lonliness, loss, and much more. I worked temp jobs for two years, then landed a job I had for 7 years which I was fired from this year to due to my health problems. It did happen that a job comes and hope the same for you.

I lost my in laws and father right before my two Chads died, then my nephew Cory. For a few years I didn't think of life, only death, I didn't think of or feel my family close, I was grieving my losses and wanted to give up on living, I actually tried a few times to end my life but failed and very grateful I did, the years passed and things changed, I wanted to live, I wanted to be mom and wife again, and I wanted to be around my family. I look at it all now and see it was the way I grieved, I spent every waking hour thinking of Chad and the others and through the grief I learned how to cope, how to have hope and how to love again. So no I don't think the deaths confine you forever. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of the boys, their memories bring me smiles today and sometimes tears, but it doesn't stop me from living today I celebrate their lives and try not to mourn their deaths. I have to or I would stay in that dark pit forever.

I beleive I will be on depression meds forever, I have tried not being on them and it don't work for me, I need that extra lift to live a somewhat normal life. Therapy wasn't my thing, never found a therapist that I felt was helping me, this board helped me the most, being with those that understood and supported me through those rough times. Most of the old Deb is back, I will never be the same as I was prior to these deaths, in some ways I am a better person and in others I have become selfish, my depression comes from hurt, the hurt from losing my son and all others. That hurt remains deep inside, at times it comes to the surface but not too often anymore, I think the meds, this board, family, love and hope gave me the strength I needed to get to where I am today, and my boys, their love, memories, photos, keeps them close to me.

I felt for many years I slighted my daughters, husband, family and friends, and myself. It wasn't until I went through the stages of grief and yelled at Chad this isn't my fault, I can't fix it,  and seen I needed to think life not death. My daughters said many times, mom we are still here, don't forget about us, Chad is not here we are. They understood yet wanted mom back. It happened and I don't feel I slight anyone today, there is room in my heart for all and that piece of my heart that was taken with Chad is connected to him today, that love never changes or dies.

I will never say its easy, but I found out what we feel today isn't forever, things do change. I remember climbing out of that darkness, I  felt I was climbing up a mountain and would slide back down and start back up again. Once I started moving out of the darkness I was determined never to go there again. This group helped me climb that mountain. I hope you find the same here also.

I hope you find your answers to your questions, those questions were a part of grieving for me, they left and life changed when my grieving ended, there is no right, no wrong, no time limit to grieving, but I do believe change is possible and some of who we were returns.

Boy I rambled on again, I find I do that when I come here missing my boys and I have been missing my boys tonight, the girls coming home tomorrow for Xmas and I have been spending Chaddar time tonight. thinking of the good ole days and those good memories, and some tears fall, wishing it was different but it won't be, it is what it is and Chaddar time is our time now.

Hope you have a peaceful holiday.
Love Deb
Love Deb

LuAnn

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Re: Will This Always Define My Life
« Reply #8 on: December 25, 2008, 10:15:56 PM »
Thank you, everyonefor helping me.