LuAnn, I can remember asking the questions you are asking. I lost four jobs in two years after the boys died. Felt I had to work to keep occupied but couldn't hold onto a job. This effected my self esteem, depression, lonliness, loss, and much more. I worked temp jobs for two years, then landed a job I had for 7 years which I was fired from this year to due to my health problems. It did happen that a job comes and hope the same for you.
I lost my in laws and father right before my two Chads died, then my nephew Cory. For a few years I didn't think of life, only death, I didn't think of or feel my family close, I was grieving my losses and wanted to give up on living, I actually tried a few times to end my life but failed and very grateful I did, the years passed and things changed, I wanted to live, I wanted to be mom and wife again, and I wanted to be around my family. I look at it all now and see it was the way I grieved, I spent every waking hour thinking of Chad and the others and through the grief I learned how to cope, how to have hope and how to love again. So no I don't think the deaths confine you forever. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of the boys, their memories bring me smiles today and sometimes tears, but it doesn't stop me from living today I celebrate their lives and try not to mourn their deaths. I have to or I would stay in that dark pit forever.
I beleive I will be on depression meds forever, I have tried not being on them and it don't work for me, I need that extra lift to live a somewhat normal life. Therapy wasn't my thing, never found a therapist that I felt was helping me, this board helped me the most, being with those that understood and supported me through those rough times. Most of the old Deb is back, I will never be the same as I was prior to these deaths, in some ways I am a better person and in others I have become selfish, my depression comes from hurt, the hurt from losing my son and all others. That hurt remains deep inside, at times it comes to the surface but not too often anymore, I think the meds, this board, family, love and hope gave me the strength I needed to get to where I am today, and my boys, their love, memories, photos, keeps them close to me.
I felt for many years I slighted my daughters, husband, family and friends, and myself. It wasn't until I went through the stages of grief and yelled at Chad this isn't my fault, I can't fix it, and seen I needed to think life not death. My daughters said many times, mom we are still here, don't forget about us, Chad is not here we are. They understood yet wanted mom back. It happened and I don't feel I slight anyone today, there is room in my heart for all and that piece of my heart that was taken with Chad is connected to him today, that love never changes or dies.
I will never say its easy, but I found out what we feel today isn't forever, things do change. I remember climbing out of that darkness, I felt I was climbing up a mountain and would slide back down and start back up again. Once I started moving out of the darkness I was determined never to go there again. This group helped me climb that mountain. I hope you find the same here also.
I hope you find your answers to your questions, those questions were a part of grieving for me, they left and life changed when my grieving ended, there is no right, no wrong, no time limit to grieving, but I do believe change is possible and some of who we were returns.
Boy I rambled on again, I find I do that when I come here missing my boys and I have been missing my boys tonight, the girls coming home tomorrow for Xmas and I have been spending Chaddar time tonight. thinking of the good ole days and those good memories, and some tears fall, wishing it was different but it won't be, it is what it is and Chaddar time is our time now.
Hope you have a peaceful holiday.
Love Deb
Love Deb